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Just Babbling to Myself

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Forgotten_Man, Feb 14, 2012.

  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So am more or less just brain dumping on this page so that I can try and focus on my job. I am always open to opinions.. however, feel free to skip over this.

    Anyway I have reached the point of no return. Not only do I no longer believe that I can be fixed. I am actually going to start taking steps against it. Even if I went to therapy I would just go for my own amusement. I have no interest in being fixed. Not only do I have no interest in being fixed I do not believe I can be fixed. I am a broken baseball bat. Yes we can tape it back together. Yes we can do stuff to hold it together. However no matter how much we do. The bat still will not hit as hard. Nor can we be 100% sure that the bat will hold together. So in the end the bat is retired. Whether that be to a dumpster or into a frame of some kind. That is how I feel about myself. I am just a broken bat who will be thrown out here really soon. So therapy is out of the question. Really I am just hanging on until my cat dies.

    Yes that is a lame excuse, Until My Cat Dies. However, that is how I feel. No one likes old kitties. I doubt my mom or sisters would adopt the kitty. I doubt my former roommate and her former owner would take her back with her thyroid problems. Basically if I died now I would be sentencing her to death. Because she would go to some shelter and then be put to sleep a week later because she is too old. No one wants old kitties so I have to stick around until she goes naturally. Best to make sure her last years are not miserable.

    So many might ask why I want to die. In the end I feel it is because there is no point in anything anymore. I lack the skills to be anything but another cog in the world. I lack the social skills and competitive nature to make it as an inventor, entrepreneur, or celebrity. I am just not a competitive person. That is just who I am. I have no drive to be the best. After all, that means that I have to suffer even more. Because there are plenty more people with greater resources than me. Plenty of other people who are already ahead of me and will easily beat me. I have no drive to push back. When things seem pointless I just quit. Why fight what is going to happen. All it does is make you suffer. Next I do not have the other legacy tool.

    I lack the knowledge, skills, and desire to reproduce. Really that is how a great majority of the human race is remembered. They reproduce, then some where some how someone will remember there right? Well first off I hate kids. No more needs to be said. They are just leeches that attach to your wallet and consume your life. That is why so many people suffer from empty nest syndrome. Because they cease to have an identity of their own. After all, then they would appear to be a bad parent. So why bother with that kind of crap right? Plenty of people claim to still have their own lives. They are just lying to themselves. Sadly it takes their children wanting to on their own and not talking to them to realize it.

    Next I do not have the genes to make a female want to mate with me. Yes I said GENE, I am 100% sure that I could learn everything I could about how to woo women. However, they can just see it in me. Regardless of what I do I will always just be a worthless loser in their eyes. Someone who is good for free drinks, free meals, and maybe as a place holder to escape social stigma. However, nothing more than a joke or tool to them. Not that I view them in a much higher regard.

    I am pretty sure I hate women. Which is annoying considering that there are way more females in my family than males. I honestly can see only one use for women. Feel free to guess at that one thing. One use, and given the social conditioning of the world. That one thing requires more than I am willing to put forth to get. I would rather just not have it than suffer. The more I think about it. I only see anytime spent with a female to get that one thing as a lose. So why even bother with that kind of crap? Please do not tell me not all women are a like. I am sure they are all alike when it comes to me. There is not a female alive who is smart, patient, and manipulative enough to convince me otherwise. Best to not try on the forum friends. Because I will not be swayed on here. I am always willing to go over my rhetoric though. I need practice for when the day comes that I tell my mom and sisters. I am never sure when that day will come though.

    Another thing that my loser gene seems to prevent me from obtaining is a new job. I have gone to several job interviews. I am in a high demand field. Yet I am always rejected after the face to face interview. I go out of my way to do their phone screens. I take the time and give up my vacation time. I do all of that crap. Yet for some reasons I do not get any of these jobs. Even the jobs that require the particular specialty I have. I know that there are very few people on this planet who have that skill. Yet they would rather hire someone with no experience or less experience who would cost more. So that has been depressing me. My current company saw a stupid kid who they could manipulate into a position where he could not leave and they could not give him raises because he is not getting any practical experience.

    I wish I was the female lead in an anime I am watching called Another. Not really because she is a female. More because of the role she has been given in the plot.... Uhh wait... Spoiler alert here guys so.. ummm hmmm I guess I will white out the text... granted... there is no point in reading this paragraph if you cannot see why. Anyway, basically she is kind of the sacrificial lamb for a charm in the town. Basically they treat her as if she does not exist. She is free to come and go as she pleases. No one acknowledges her. Everyone pretends she is not even there. It is kind of funny because the way the first couple of episodes are written it is almost like she is a ghost. I want to be that way. I just want to float around and slowly die. I guess I could be that way if I were to become homeless. That might be a route to go. Forgo all my possessions and just wander around the country on foot. Then again... why be miserable and uncomfortable. Plus I like my possessions... anyway I wish I was her. That would make life much easier. Because then I would not have to deal with the pity of others who have to be forced to get along with me.

    That is one problem I have. I know that no one wants to associate with me. I know that nobody likes dealing with me. I know that they would rather just avoid me. Yet they cannot because that would be unprofessional. So they pretend I am worth something. You know fight that natural instinct they would have let loose on me 20 years ago. Whether it be men or women. I am just a tool for their own use. Men I am used to advance careers or cheapen the cost of rent. Women I am the same or someone who can make them feel better about themselves. After all, if they pity me then they are doing good. So they feel better about themselves. It is just one endless circle of despair.

    Anyway, thanks for reading.. this babbling helped a little plus it killed time so that is always good. Feel free to comment or feel free to not. I am always up for people opinions. I know I have it way better off than most people on this forum. Yet another reason to want to die. Anyway thanks for reading.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad youare lettingyour thoughts babble out on the screen hun Now look at them okay and see how distorted they are hun the depression does that make everthing see so unreachable makes us see we are worth nothing I am glad you have you cat hun animals have a way of healing ones soul some. You need to talk to your doctor about your depression Men tend to not want to reach out for help when they are so low but help is there and NO you are not just a repair bat hun you can be healed and be even stronger then before as you will have better coping skills better insight into yourself and have ways to move forward not backwards h ugs
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @total eclipse: I do not think my views are distorted.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think if you talk to a professional and show them what you have written they could help you see how some of the thoughts are clouded by your depression Of course when we are deep in darkness we cannot see as well we do not think our thoughts are wrong . Talk to someone okay that can take your thoughts and seperate them and go over them with you and in doing so help you start on a clearer path one less dark hugs
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    It is hard to find a good philosopher these days though... Even still... why bother... I mean I will not get fixed regardless.
  6. Lastnight

    Lastnight Active Member

    I don't have any advice to offer, but I read your entire post 3 times. At the very least, I give you my regards in the time you have in this world.
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    O_O Wow three times... I only read it one time...when I was writing it...