Just been upgraded

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Jun 23, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    well my plans has just been upgraded.

    i called today to see if i could get back to work and guess what. i am now out of a job. i burnt my hand and could not work now i have no job. life sucks and i hate it. so my plans will be carried out next month.
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    What reason did they give you for being fired? They cannot fire you because of a medical leave absence If you are now able to return and have a note from the doctor saying you can, your job should still be available to you.
     
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    their excuss.

    you were replaced.

    in tennessee an employer can terminate your employment without cause at any given time. i knew it would happen. it always happens to me. Every single time something good starts happening something bad comes along and happens.

    i was out of work for 2 years. was laid off with subject to return but the company shut down due to lack of work and went out of business. then i got this new job, worked for 3 days, just 3 dang days then as i was putting up the broiler for cooking the chicken at work it slipped off the hook ( or hookm broke just do not know what happened except after it did that they had some come in and fix it) well i went to the doc with 2 nd degree burns on my right hand and now since it has gotten better ( i used aloe vera on it ) i call and find out i was replaced.

    nothing goes right for me . never has. i am so hurting. so upset. so mad , so angry with life it sucks.
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Did you file for wormans comp? Also check into that law, because I believe the federal medical leave act states they cannot terminate your position because of a medical condition. You are allowed a certain amount of time off without pay before you can be replaced. They may be afraid you could take legal action against them if faulty equipment was the cause of the accidental injury. I know things are tough for you, but don't be afraid to stand up and fight for what's right. You have mentioned being terminally ill. Don't let that stop you from enjoying what time you have left.Live each day as if there were no tomorrow. none of us are gauranteed that tomorrow will come. I am sure that after watching your mom suffer, it brings back memories and you don't want things to be as they were then. Medical advances have been made since the 80's. Surgery is not longer the only option available.
     
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    when it happened i did go to the emergency room and they called my employer which to my understanding said that they would pay for it. So at least they did pay for the hospital treatment, but then i went to work to ask if they had a regular doctor to see and my boss said no that people just care for it themselves. so she has nothing on file or doctor to go see if you get hurt.

    i have not heard from workers comp about anything yet and that happened about 2 weeks ago. i just feel i can not go on. I have basically lost everything that mattered to me. I have no family that cares. no christian family from church that cares. i told them i was going to take my life and they did nothing the last time i attempted it and my guess is they did not believe i would actually do it but i did and i was dumb enough to not even take enough. i thought it would be enough to do me in and with what i had mixed with it but it wasnt and they found me that day cause right after i took them i called someone from church and told her i had taken an overdose and then after i hung up she called the police. they went to my home and i was not there so they called the church and me and my big mouth had sent a letter to the church with where and when i would do it and they told the cops and i was found in time.

    That to me was the biggest mistake of my life. ever since then i have been critcized by the church. the church that i thought i could always turn to. the church i thought would be there to comfort me but they were not and still are not. they branded me as a sinner ever since then and it would be better if i had died that day then to continue on in this. you know i even walked up front because i felt bad that i had attempted my life and instead of them welcoming me back in. the preacher was hateful and said this has got to stop, you need to talk with the men of the congregation, etc. then afterwards not one member gave me a hug or welcomed me back. basically i cried out to the Lord in a time of need and not once was i ever granted a chance.

    it hurts. it still hurts to this day and i hate it. i hate telling them the date and place and i hate it that i survived. i will not survive this time as i will take 5 times the amount i did the last time. no one knows the date nor the time nor the place and they will never know it. it will just happen. i done sent my good-bye by e-mail and i have to make some arrangments for my cat and a few other things.

    and you know what. it was during a gospel meeting and they had a dinner afterwords but you know i could not eat. all i could do was sit in that adutioranm and cry. it broke my heart. i was bleeding inside and i am still bleeding inside and then i go online to a local chat to make a few friends that cared which i thought they cared but got called a whore. that hurt and it cut like a knife and it did it. it pushed all the right buttons. my mind is made up and this time i will not come back either.

    i want them to know the pain they put me through. i want them to know the hell i have been through since they saved me that day. i want them to feel the tears. to know what they did to me. i want them top know that when they see me lying in my casket that they drove me to it. i am not doing it for revenge either cause i want no part of life anymore. i do not want to live in pain of being eat up inside with cancer that can not be cured. with something that has gone way too far.

    sorry if this is a little bit too much a rant but i have hurt enough and it is time for the hurt to stop.
     
  6. Bud Leaf

    Bud Leaf Member

    Id like to tell you a bit of my life White Dove, my mother is 41 years old, the pain she has endured through her whole life, is an unsurmountable amount of pain, that even Atlas himself couldnt hold on his back , i am 19 years old and all through that 19 years my mother suffered from the world so unimaginably, but it was the world that got her, like your situation, God had blessed you both with able bodies but the world faught so hard to keep you out of it. My mother was an orphan, and ran away from there when she was 14 to live the rest of her life, from 14 on it only got worse and has probly cried 100,000 times easy since then, and then, 2 years ago she was in a car accident, i was woken up by my brother who was crying sayin we have to leave now we have to leave, because our mother was on her deathbed, broken neck, and her body just destroyed, her best friend, our dog Bits, was killed on impact, leaving her with the most painfull pat of the accident through the ordeal, she was not meant to survive this accident, and if she did she would be paralyzed for life, as if she needed this after an entire 40 years of a life that had always had the world kick her in the ass, knock her down like her boyfriends, and the worlds foot just wont let her get back up, then she slams into the ditch where the world always had her. I went to the hospital and looked at her eyes, my family was crying but i wasnt, i was smiling at her and held her and, and truley ment what i said when i told her that everthings goin to be fine, i was not worried altho even the doctors were expecting the worst, and my mother believed me, she is alive today with metal all in her body, but she can walk, because the fucken kicked the world right back in the ass with her heart, she is the most powerful human being i have ever met, and when I think of her now i will think of you aswell after reading your story, my mom told me she wanted to end her life about a month ago but that she wouldnt do that to us, but she had the feeling of it of course, after all the shit she has bin through its only human we would think of suicide, but she fights it, as hard as she can, i hope you feel even a smigeun of hope from my mother if you feel like you know now that others around the world were always knocked down from it, their entire life nothing has ever went right for them at all, at every turn, but she keeps fighting for us, and i hope you fight for us too, fighting against the world that pushes so hard can only make you stronger through experience, even if you feel the world has already won, you can still get back up i promise you, i will pray for you tonight, i havnt really prayed in my life at all, but i did pray for my mom once and i feel it was answered, so i hope you feel you gained emperical evidence from my story and know there are others like you who will always fight for life, no matter how hard it fights back.
     
  7. Bud Leaf

    Bud Leaf Member

    I would also like to add that after saying that, i realized. The only way to turly prevent suicidal actions is to be part of your life, i am someone who you have never met, im just a teenager thats lived for thousands of years and have seen it all. I have never hurt you, i hope i can only make you smile, but i will as of now be a person in your life who will continue coming to this forum for you so you know I will be a person also affected by your plan. The only thing i can do to help you not execute your plan, is to be a part of it, making you realize that those people who you want to see tears from, that i am not one of those people you want to see hurt after i dont get any messages back from you after a months time, so I will be here, every day, to let you know im one of those people out there that will help, in anyway i can.
     
  8. Bud Leaf

    Bud Leaf Member

    Also, I have been mentioning a man in most of my posts, his name is Andy Mckee, id like you to goto youtube.com and search Andy Mckee and listen to songs such as Rylynn, Drifting, and think of my words when you hear this music, but this music isnt for the ears, it is for the heart, when you see his face, think of what i am saying right now, and that i told you to smile :biggrin: so now you will have no choice but to smile when you open up your heart to this beatiful serenade.

    -The world could always use a little more green-
    Andrew Green (Bud Leaf)
     
  9. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    wow your mom sure is strong. i on the other hand am not so strong. i used to be. i really used to be strong and if someone would say something i would just let it go in one ear and out the other but i can no longer do that.

    i let my heart to love someone and i got hurt. i have honestly tried to live a happy and carefree life but things always happen and they always put me back down. i can now see that i myself can never feel the true love of anyone. i have a heart that has just gotten so much damage that not one thing can bring it out of the pain.

    please do not get upset with me telling you how i feel cause it is the truth of how i feel. i got a lot of anger toward those that hurt me and i let some of that anger out last night in the let it out forum online here but it helped very little cause the pain is still there.

    i have tried getting drunk ( and i am one that does not drink ) yet i did last weekend to try and numb the pain. it only helped a little but then it all came back. i let myself get hurt by trusting in love for someone and i was dumb to do it.

    i even have been accused of wanting attention when all i wanted or needed was to just be accepted by someone. i mean look at where i am at right now?? on a suicide forum telling my lifes story because i am about to end it all and want people to know the reasons behind it all.

    i do not sleep much at night anyhow and did a search for suicide notes and found this site. Although i can not leave a note i can at least let others know why i did it.

    i feel so alone and hurt. i often just wish that if just one phone call from them would have stopped me and my decision but now it is just gone too far and it is just too late. if they were to call i would just hang up on them. i just hurt and it hurts bad. i never thought i would feel this way ever again after my last attempt but i was wrong. i do.

    i practly screamed ill toward them last night in the thread here on the let it out but they will never see it. If i could i would confront them and ask they why did they hurt me this way?? but i can not do that. just seeing their face i would break down and cry. here i am 35 years old and got nothing. no one to love. no one to hug. no one to cry on. it hurts. it really hurts.
     
  10. Bud Leaf

    Bud Leaf Member

    Well let me tell you something i have never told anyone in my life. I had written a full length suicide note, and stared at it for hours, till my eyes were dry, once you see that suicide note, your life changes, like the hand of god just slapped you back into reality :p writing a suicide note was the shakiest thing i have ever done, and do not plan on ever doing it again, my life was a different story tho, i did not have it hard growing up, and i had a family that loved me, but when i was about 12 years old, i started seeing days, months, years into the future every night when i slept, i thought i had a brain tumor and had several cat scans done, and no tumor was found, for 7 years now every day i sleep i live out days in the future, my name is also written on my right hand spelled out in my veins, Andy, and three birthmarks across my face that are perfectly in line like the 3 pyramids under orions belt, i thought, either i am a supernatural being but that is impossable, or is it. Then recently my mom showed me a baby picture she had hid for a long time, it was me, with the glow of an angel beside me, an unexplainable angel figure beside me, that my mom new had been born with me. A true child of god whos heart has changed many lives for the better, i am trying to spread my gift on this site as much as i can, but right now its you im focused on, so how do you feel now that an angel has love for your life and cares about you, you must not end it, as there are thousands of others just like me, searching for thousands of others, just like you.
     
  11. Bud Leaf

    Bud Leaf Member

    im really sorry white i realize i caught you while you were online but i have to go now, ill be back you can count on that, give me a pm if you want to talk about anything :smile:
     
  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    well from your other thread i got the feeling you hated me???

    why??/ i just do not know why i feel / felt that way.

    but for real. you should just leave me be cause i am not worth it. Like my last minister ( not the one that hurt me so bad but the one whose church i occasionaly visit ) has told me i drive people away and no doubt i will say or do something stupid to drive you away if i have not already done it yet???
     
  13. Bud Leaf

    Bud Leaf Member

    I am sorry i try to speak as gentle as i can but that can only go so far on a keyboard, ofcourse i dont hate you, i swear to god, i swear on my mother, that it is impossable for my heart to even feel that way, im only replying to you because i do care, if i didnt care then i would have no reason on this site, the only reason im here is to try and help with what words i can, God has already helped me in my life where i would no longer require a site like this, but now i will pay back the favor by helping others if i can, who better then yourself white dove could log onto this site, and relate to people, the reason why they are here is to relate, to seek help, i feel that you can help because you have gone through this experience and can relate, instead of the plan you have for that set date, everything that has happened up untill that date, and you are ready to commit suicide, that is where your new life can begin, think about what you are doing, then close your eyes and think of the teenagers that are about to do the same thing as you right now, then jump on this site and begin your new life, helping others going through what you are right now because you have experienced it first hand all up untill now. The satisfaction of saving a life could ultimatley save your own. I would love to see you here untill this site ends one day and you have saved 1000s of lives because of your experience. Fighting to live to save lives is a reason for a life to stay strong, please consider my thoughts, set up a charity in your region for struggling teenagers and adults of that area, i believe you can be a reason for sumone to change their minds and not to commit suicide. there is no good or bad, only thinking makes it so
     
  14. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    you know i did do that at my last attempt.

    i thought about everything and then the hurt came back so fast like a flood to me. all the pain all the tears all the heartache. you said you are here because of me and that you found the sitte last night because of me but i know that God interviens at times and maybe just maybe if he gives me a sign between now and the day then i will stop the act of taking my life. until then and until that day i will be here every night looking for a reason not to do it and when you do not see me know that i left and will meet you on the other side.

    please do not be upset with what i wrote above. you did not do anything wrong. it is me. i often take things and meanings wrong and drive people away. i just know i can never do anything right but this one thing i can do is put an end to it and this pain.

    take care and thanks for the replies. i will re-read them all. will be here until 4 am. always am can not sleep at night.

    white dove
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 24, 2007
  15. Bud Leaf

    Bud Leaf Member

    I am that reason dove, if you truely are here to find a reason why you should not follow through with your plan, you found me, i am a human being that is connected to you through only the heart, not with our eyes of judgement, but we have only been communicating with our heart you see, i know you can feel the hearts of everyone replying on this site, this is no regular www.com, this is the real deal place where the words are ment for self existence, this is such a powerfull place i have stumbled apon, and if you need a reason to change your mind, a sign from god that you must live, I will make myself a reason for you to see, just how worldly this decision is, My heart is entrusted with God, and i know evil when i see it, and suicide is the work of evil, and must not be followed through, as god will provide us with a way out when it is truely time. I cant say it any more times but please be with God, as my existence on this earth i must not let you side with evil, as suicide is a thought conjured by evil, it can be overcome, you are a good person, with a good spirit inside, only wanting the best for everyone, but was only given the worst,

    I really need to go to sleep i havnt slept for a couple days ish but please leave me a message, i will check it first thing when i wake up :)
     
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