Just began last semester of college, about to screw it all up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alonealways, Jan 23, 2008.

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  1. alonealways

    alonealways New Member

    Hello, I don't know why I'm posting this, I feel stupid but I feel so alone...I'm 24 and in my last semester of college (taken me a long time to get this far), have been severely depressed since around 14. I've been on antidepressants since I was 18 and recently changed from Lexapro to Wellbutrin. Since then I've been plagued with suicidal thoughts that I can't shake. I had an important internship interview at a biotech company a couple weeks ago but my anxiety and negative feelings were so bad I drove to the interview location, got out of my car, then walked back in and drove home. I couldn't take humiliating myself.

    I missed my first day of courses last Tuesday, I managed to go to my 1 class today..it was extremely difficult walking around campus feeling so jittery, depressed, ugly, just disgusting. I don't know how I am going to survive this semester, and if I do I don't know what I'm going to do after I graduate..I still feel like a child stuck in childhood traumas, I never grew up into an adult, still just a scared child..I feel terrible that my parents are still supporting me..I'm just beyond pathetic.

    I have NOBODY in my life except my parents and I don't even talk to them often, and I feel alienated from them for many years even thought I know they love me. Any friends I make I lose quickly because once I start feeling close to someone I cut off all contact because feeling vulnerable makes me feel sick. My apartment is like a dungeon, I loathe it but I can't get myself to leave. I've been a recluse so long I don't even know how to interact with people in a normal way. I zone out and just look at the internet or tv all day to avoid dealing with reality. Most people my age are going into careers, starting families, seeing the world..I"m locked away hiding.

    I always thought I'd fix myself, I'd find happiness, find someone to love, now I"m realizing it is probably too late to fix myself. I'm always going to be afraid of the world. I feel so low, I've seriously thought of buying a gun..I'm sorry this is so long I feel horrible and so depressed I can't stand it. I feel like I need an intervention and something very drastic to help me but nobody cares enough except my parents and they don't understand mental illness at all, how it's ruined my life. I just want someone to understand..thanks for reading
     
  2. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I'm afraid I can't really give you any advice right now but I TOTALLY understand you 100% because I am just about in your shoes.

    One thing I've learned from this forum, is that your never alone in your situation, even if in real life, you seem like the only one in the circle of people you know and nobody will understand you. For example me, I am the only depressed, suicidal person in my Indian community, the only goddamn one, so I am outcast, nobody would understand me, etc.

    I am a 20 year old junior right now, have one more year left and am the biggest loser at my university. Everyone else has friends, does activities, like NORMAL people, I have NOTHING and have DONE NOTHING. Just go to class, learn, and thats it. And its just about (if not totally) all my fault. :sad:

    I can't believe I am 20 because I am so behind, underdeveloped, pathetic. I also really only have my parents and little brother. Only my dad knows I think about suicide and nobody else I know would understand, because of my Indian culture. I am immature and babied, my parents always have to watch me like a child, because I am still like one, not developed, held back. And I see all the other normal people, and of course I am frustrated as you are.
    We fucking Indians don't know the meaning of "depressed, suicidal". We have to get straight As, become doctors, engineers, scientists, have a family, etc. I know thats a HUGE generalization, but I bet its true. Nobody in my Indian community is unhappy, sad, thinks about suicide.

    So I'm the total loser outcast compared to all the other Indians my age or near it, my parent's friend's kids are infinently better than me, my parents are so ashamed of me, probably wondering what went wrong, hell, I want to know too.

    Sorry my post is long and off tangent, but I understand what your going through and many others here will too. I'm worse off than you, I've been here on this forum over two with over 2000 posts, but haven't used the site, just post crap, haven't made any friends here, haven't really helped anyone on this forum, done nothing, just like my fucking life.

    I hope you can here, lots of people here understand you, sympathize with you, and are in your situation totally or partially, I know that FOR SURE.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 23, 2008
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Don't be too hard on yourself alonealways. I'm 27 (today is my birthday) and I still live with my loving parents. Don't give up on finding love. It will happen eventually. Also, don't buy a gun. It will only make things worse.

    Rahul, you are right, we Indians have it pretty tough. If you don't become a doctor then you're pretty much a failure in your parents eyes. I wanted to become a doctor but my GPA wasn't high enough for medical school so I became a teacher instead. I think it was for the best anyhow and my parents have finally come to terms with it.
     
  4. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    i understand what youre goign through as well..im 23 almost 24 this april and havent even got my associates. im such a loser. i also have severe deppression and have had it since i was young. no one understands, and my parents just look down on me. ihavent foud love yet either and convinced that i probably wont either. im not attractive , have no good qualities, and am sick. i hate my life. lol i know what youre going throug though, so youre not alone.
     
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