Just being honest

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by mcuser, Aug 26, 2012.

  1. mcuser

    mcuser New Member

    I stuttered till around the end of elementary school, yet me getting bullied never left. I always was bullied, I was either short, fat or downright stupid. I love sports, especially football(the American Football), but I was never very good, I know this because I never was a starter in Flag Football. I love playing Baseball and Basketball but I am so terrible at them, it's downright awful to watch. Video games are cool, but I would never classify myself as a gamer, I mostly played sport games, again I love sports until I began to loose interest in most things. Moral of this story is: I have not been, "that" kid at anything so far in my life.

    I had to been around 4th grade when I began to watch Pornography, I didn't really know what was going on, but I was excited by it. I guess my years of being the social outlaw I got to be the one to enjoy stuff finally. Gradually it became an addiction, I struggle with it every once and a while, but I guess I passed my addiction phase. I guess this is how I became addicted to computers, its the only place where I was not bullied. When I was in 8th grade I was on this fantasy wrestling website (writing) and I thought I could become a tech wizard and I became a social d'bag, I was trolling people. I see I finally got the revenge I always wanted, I did other shitty things and I eventually grew up and became friends with them. Moral of the story is: I became bully at that which I was friends with, I grew up but this guilt multiplied

    I never did cigarettes or alcohol, simply because I find them useless and a waste of time. I spent my time on the computer, I eventually got my own computer and it became my friend. I can never move on from my guilt, I made up with everyone and still, I get made fun of for the things I have no controlled over, but I still feel like I can never be successful.Moral of the story is: I am enslaved by my past

    In school last year, I am currently a sophomore, we had to read the Hunger Games. Being a lazy person I was last year, I did most if not all of my work, but when we had to read our assigned books, I never read them. If I knew what this book was actually about I would. For those who don't know what the Hunger Games is, it's set in the future in a Totalitarianism Future Post-War America, where the Capital which is now in the Rocky Mountains controls 12, formerly 13, districts(small states) and every year they draw 2 kids names out of a bowl, ages 12-18, male and a female, and they do this for all the districts making 24 tributes, and then these kids are put in an arena to fight to the death. I never considered myself a truly violent person, I still don't think I am, I was so intrigued by the Hunger Games though when the movie came out. I pictured myself in this world, I never could be violent game player, I would be psychological player. Point being that I was so addicted in this idea I eventually wrote a 30 page short story based on this notion. *Yes I do realize this Hunger Games thing is sort of a rip off of Battle Royal*. I even on page 6 on the new series. I guess I became addicted because I wish I could live in a world where there was no computers, or none for the general public, there was hardly any television. I don't like the violent aspect, but I envision myself as a tribute, because I been in a "Hunger Games" with my guilt and past for the latter part of 2 years.Moral of the story is: I am in a fight with my past and guilt

    I just want to tell you about why I consider myself depressed
  2. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    one thing i have learned, the long and hard way is that feeling guilty, angry, or self hatred over your past is one of the hardest things to get over. Its worse if you feel that yourself is worthless, or that you hate yoruself because of what has happened. Its something that takes a long time and alot of work to get over. I and not even close to getting past these feelings myself. I hope that you can see this, and can begin to walk the long hard road that it will take to get past them. I cant tell you if it is worth it, but i have to hope that it is, for that is all i can hold onto at this moment, and so far, when i have the happy days, i think it is worth it. I hope you can keep trying!