just can't be bothered now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tiredfighter, Dec 20, 2010.

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  1. tiredfighter

    tiredfighter Well-Known Member

    so today I've had a cloud hanging over me, I'm tired of everything and everyone and to quite frank I've reached a point where I don't give a flying one about what anyone thinks or says about me, I have people to talk to and it kinda helps but I still come away with a feeling of complete worthlessness and it tears me up, I sat at my secret place all day today and just stared at the snow covered countryside and all I could think was "what's the fuckin point in caring if the people that are supposed to care about you don't give a toss?" I detest the fact that I'm the black sheep of my family and always have been but I refuse to change who I am, maybe I should, but I can't, not to fit in with a bunch of lying hypocrites who only care about what i can do for them, I don't want to die tbh cos i feel that that would be giving them what they want but on the other hand I feel like as long as I'm here I'm just gonna be ostracised and hated which makes me want to end it all, I don't know what the hell to do, think or feel, my head is a complete mess, nothing makes sense or has a point in my life, I simply can't be bothered with it anymore.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sounds like you need to get away from the toxic environment you are living in.
    Time to make a path of your own it will happen and then you will only have to answer to one person yourself. Hang on okay it will get better
     
  3. tiredfighter

    tiredfighter Well-Known Member

    I am moving out, soon, but it doesn't change the fact that every day I feel the same ( not necessarily to such a large degree) but I always wake up and feel that there is absolutely no point, I would love to take 48 cans of spray paint down to my secret place, paint my mind onto the Walls then swallow a bottle of pills and sit and wait to fade to black, I think about it constantly and it's a comfort to me, I just CAN'T see the point to anything anymore
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Of course you can see your depression is clouding everything. I wish you could get some much needed help for that I bet you paint beautifully i wish i could see some of your work being released from that mind of yours. I bet you could give alot to this world through your art. I hope you can take course and apply your talent that way. first you need to heal you okay a bit get that depression under control so you can see more clearly
     
  5. tiredfighter

    tiredfighter Well-Known Member

    I've seen a counsellour and it doesn't help, she just sat there and looked at me like I was talking gibberish so I stopped talking and just sat there and stared at her for 2hours, I've applied my skills to tattooing from the age of 18 and I stopped because there was no point to it, it made things worse for me in as many ways as it made things better, all I do now is graffiti, since I was 12 that's been my main passion, because it's a totally personal thing, it doesn't matter if others like it cos it's not for them, but I've even reached a point where I can paint for hours, go through unbelievable amounts of paint and still feel empty, there's nothing that I can do to get a release anymore and that hurts me more than anything else.
     
  6. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Can you channel that creativity into a more accessible medium? You're clearly artistic and I bet you're really good at it too because your passion shines through. There's a lot of research available on the connection of creativity to depression. Just look at Van Gogh.
    Whist you're in this stage, can you turn your creativity in another direction? Perhaps look into the history of graffiti and how it's now an accepted art form? Look at line drawing and scale your art work down. Many artists learn their trade by dipping into other creative mediums. Photography could be an option.
    What ever else you do, look for an outlet for that creativity, you need to get it all out of you. Whilst you're working on that, look into the connection between artists and depression, you'll learn a lot about both art and depression.
    Try to stay strong, you'll get through this
    xxxx
     
  7. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed

    Hey TiredFighter,

    Sorry to hear your having a rough night, sending you lodes of *hugs*
    It looks like all your problems have just exploded in to one circle you are unable to control, I'm glad you have a passion for graffiti, I've always enjoed looking at graffiti art :)

    You have all of us hear to help you, do you know what triggered your feelings is there a main ball to it that may have caused this, it's seems like your going through a awful lot and we are always hear for you through the good times and ther bad *sending you lodes of hugs* hope you feel better soon, you can send me a PM any time *hugs* always hear for u x
     
  8. tiredfighter

    tiredfighter Well-Known Member

    "it is only too true that alot of artists are mentally ill, it's a life which, to put it mildly, makes one an outsider, I'm alright when I completely immerse myself in work, but I'll always remain half crazy" Van Gogh

    only thing is, I've reached a point where I'm not alright no matter what I do now, all I want to do is paint and be left alone but people have refused to let me do that for so long that now all the joy I used to get from it has been sapped, and now I'm empty, ive never asked my family and friends for anything but acceptance but ive never received it and I never will, that's the biggest problem, I don't do anyone any harm by painting a wall or a train, but to them I'm scum and I'm constantly lectured and hounded to stop, I can't take anymore, I really dont want to be here, I really just want to fade away, at least I know I leave a legacy of my work on buildings and peoples skin so people will know I was here.
     
  9. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed

    If you did go how do you think people around you wouldd feel how would I feel I would hate for anything bad to happen to you, you were one of my first friends that I made on this website, which I really liked, I would be in tears in anything happened things do get better slowly by time a new day starts tommorow you start fresh, promise me you wont harm yourself please?
     
  10. tiredfighter

    tiredfighter Well-Known Member

    I'm just so tired now, I feel like I've done what I was supposed to, and now it's my turn to rest, like I said I don't want to go but it's a comforting feeling to know that I could just drift off in a room covered from wall to wall in my own ideas and thoughts, it makes me smile, it's how I dream of going
     
  11. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed

    Promise you'll be safe tonight?
    Promise you wont hurt your self?

    :*(
     
  12. tiredfighter

    tiredfighter Well-Known Member

    I can't make a promise I may not keep, I'm sorry
     
  13. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed

    No please don't hurt yourself, please re consider please don't
     
  14. tiredfighter

    tiredfighter Well-Known Member

    I'm not gonna post anymore, you guys have been as helpful as you can be, thanks, I'm on my own from here on though.
     
  15. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    That will be a fantastic way to go when you're in your 90's, die in your sleep from natural causes and have produced a lifetime of incredible artwork for the generations that follow to enjoy.
    I understand that you're tired. You're worn out both physically and emotionally and right now you need to just recharge your batteries and get your head back in the right space.
    You also need to face some facts. There's a good chance that your family will never accept you. (Unless you become rich and famous of course). That's not the end of the world. Lots of families are dysfuntional. Mine certainly is and I don't talk to half of them.
    Much as you love them (and you clearly do) you're going to have to put yourself first. Stop looking for acceptance from them. Its not going to happen. You have to accept that and move on. It's very sad but its the way it is.
    Concentrate on the art, find a more accessible medium, learn everything you can about the subject.
    Recognise that you're in the 'dark phase' but you can move into the 'light phase' and the creativity will flow again. Look forward to that and stop concentrating on your family.
     
  16. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Billy. Try painting a picture of how you feel onto a piece of paper. You might even surprise yourself and paint a masterpiece? Don't give up man. :hug:
     
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