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Just can't seem to catch a break......

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Isabellabandaide79, Sep 27, 2016.

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  1. Isabellabandaide79

    Isabellabandaide79 New Member

    I don't even really know how to start my life has pretty much always been a challange at best. I am so tired of fighting so close to just giving up and saying fuck it all. My father died when I was one. Leaving me with a useless mother who let men and women abuse me for her own personal gain. She remarried a monster who you never knew what kind of mood he would be in and often beat us for just looking at him the wrong way. They "sold" my body to their friends for money, drugs, and alcohol. By the time I was 10 it was an almost daily occurence. I tried to kill myself for the first time that same year. By the time I was 12 I was pregnant by the abuse. I had a baby girl when I was 13 and they took her from me. I ran away to my grandmother's house and she let me stay. In some ways I was safe there in other ways not so much. My mother moved in about six months after I did when her marriage ended. My grandma loved me. I know this but she did not understand me. I was withdrawn, scared of my own shadow, and moody. Plus I was overweight which her and my mother could not accept. It was constant hounding about what I ate, how much I ate, and when I ate. I seriously could not even eat an apple without someone asking "do you really need that?" Because of this I started hiding food in my bedroom and would often binge eat my feelings and frustrations. I gained about 80lbs and was now extremely overweight. I never heard the end of the weight comments. Nothing I did was ever good enough. My achievements always overshadowed by my weight. Then when I was 21 I got into my first serious relationship. I jumped at the chance to get away from my family. He was physically and verbally abusive to but it mildly, but it still beat going back to my family and sadly it seemed normal to me. We married and on top of the constant abuse he continually cheated on me. Then when I was 25 I was diagnosed with cancer. Went 3 rounds of radiation and beat it. 27 had a son. The very first time he showed anger towards our son I took the baby and left, never looked back. Been raising him myself ever since. When my son was 6 his father suddenly decided he needed to be a part of his son's life. We went to court and even with not helping out in any way, history of abuse, drug problems, and gang connections he was granted visitation. I was also served with a court order not to leave the city I live in because he was afraid I would take my son and flee. All over a vacation I had planned for my son and I to Vancouver. Next my grandma gets diagnosed with Alzheimer's. While I am fighting to get her into a good facility and to stop her children from cleaning her out financially, they take everything they can get except her investments because those are locked in. They take over $100,000. I finally get her in a home and the lack of care causes her a deep tissue infection in her throat and swelling that makes it difficult for her to breathe. It also makes her look like a bullfrog. Six different antibiotics are tried none fully work. I literally have to fight just to get her pain management under control and one day even come to find her naked strapped to a chair and covered in feces. Finally get the hospital in chech by basically living there with her. Then I have to make the decision to stop treatment and focus on making her comfortable until she passes or to make her keep fighting. I chose the make her comfortable choice and she died 4 days later. We had hard times but she was the only person I know who truly loved me. I feel so alone now. And so much guilt for putting her in the wrong nursing home. My family is now just my son and I and that is it. On top of that my mother lives in the condo owned by my grandma and I am executor of the will so I have to deal with her in order to proceed. Then my son is diagnosed with dyslexia and Asbergers. I was homeschooling him and he was thriving but because the agency I was using shut down and refuses to shre records he cannot be registered anywhere else but the lical public school we were already having problems with. The othercschools wont come right out and say it but they won't accept him because of his disabilities. He is not disabled enough to qualify for help with the program that could actually help him, but apparently too disabled for the other schools to accept him. I dont get it. Plusvthe school I was trying to get him into to continue his homeschooling sicked social services on me because of his impending enrollment there he is still not technically registered anywhere so thst is apparently child neglect. The worker told me I had until the end of the week to have him registered in the awful public school or hecwould be taken into custody and put into foster care and pissibly placed with his drug addict, abusive, alcoholic father. Who saw him for about six months before getting bored with the whole situation and disappearing again. I am literally at my wits end. Everything I try to do or touch turns to shit. I am guilty too because I cannot afford the private school my son needs. I feel like if I weren't around life wouldn't be such a challenge for him like the friend I left him to in my will would do so much better for him. I am so lost and tired of fighting, but I do it for my son.......I am just not sure how much more fight I have left in me.........
  2. When you feel like you're at the end of your fight, that's when you fight even harder. I cannot express enough how sorry I am your life has been so hard. I can tell you for a FACT, you're not alone. I also come from abuse, several suicide attempts and TONS of other horrible hardships. I am 40 years old now with a 6 year old daughter and my life turned out to be great!! I tried to end my life on New Years Eve in 2006 for the last time. When I didn't succeed, AGAIN, I decided that I couldn't live like this anymore. Like you, I was so so tired of living and completely FED UP with living a miserable life. So, (I don't know how) I enrolled in college and got approved for a grant to attend. I got the courage to leave my 15 year abusive relationship and move to Texas (where my parents are). I decided to start my life over and leave everything negative behind me. I know that's not an option for you but you can reach out to positive people like in a church.
    I want to encourage you that it's NOT over. You have a purpose in life! And number 1 is that your son needs your strength. One day, you will be able to reach and save another person's life based on your experiences. There's a reason for everything sweety! Don't give up. You are a survivor. And there is a solution to EVERYTHING. Start with the most urgent problem first. Also keep records, notes, documents of everything. They may come in handy when you need it most. And.... Keep looking for positive people, positive programs because I know for a fact they are out there. Keep going! You will find your way soon enough and you will be so Thankful you didn't give up!! Clean up anything and everything that's negative around you and your son. Turn everything around into positive. I will pray for you and your son. I will pray you find the strength and resources you need to get back on track. God bless you and know that you are loved!
    Tear likes this.
  3. Tear

    Tear Well-Known Member

    This is such an inspirational and powerful message....i also needed to read this to get a bit encouraged. Life can be so miserable sometimes, but we must keep the hope within us. I am so stuck at the moment and have problems to deal with, so reading your message was nice.

    Best wishes for you and Isabellabandaide79.
    livebrilliantly likes this.
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