I have always suffered with depression. Since I was a very young child I never felt part of any gang, even my family. It was and has always been me, myself and I. I have learned to live with this, survive. I have found solace in my depression, knowing and understanding what is happening and how the day is going to go. During the 'happier' times I never feel at peace and there is always my depression shadow lurking over my shoulder just waiting for a trigger. And this trigger could be absolutely anything. But over the past 2 years however, I can't shift it. Nothing is bringing me out of this deep dark well in which I now lurk. While I know many people, I don't have friends because I don't allow anyone to know the real me. They get the authorised version, the acceptable one. This past week has been the worst of my life. I spend all day in my bedroom thinking about how if I didn't have my children I wouldn't have to be here anymore. I just don't know what to do this time.. I can't breathe and emotionally I need to lay down for the last time.