Just can't seem to pull myself together this time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hereigoagain, Apr 14, 2016.

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  1. hereigoagain

    hereigoagain Member

    I have always suffered with depression. Since I was a very young child I never felt part of any gang, even my family. It was and has always been me, myself and I.

    I have learned to live with this, survive. I have found solace in my depression, knowing and understanding what is happening and how the day is going to go. During the 'happier' times I never feel at peace and there is always my depression shadow lurking over my shoulder just waiting for a trigger. And this trigger could be absolutely anything.

    But over the past 2 years however, I can't shift it. Nothing is bringing me out of this deep dark well in which I now lurk.

    While I know many people, I don't have friends because I don't allow anyone to know the real me. They get the authorised version, the acceptable one. This past week has been the worst of my life. I spend all day in my bedroom thinking about how if I didn't have my children I wouldn't have to be here anymore. I just don't know what to do this time.. I can't breathe and emotionally I need to lay down for the last time.
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hello Herigoagain, I'm glad you found our site and welcome. I can relate to your feelings with depression, I too have suffered with it most of my life and it does make it difficult to function. It sounds that yours has become worse over the past 2 years, have you ever seen a doctor about some medication or therapy, it did help me during several difficult times.
    It also tends to make us isolate and wear the "I'm okay" mask, but that gets very tiring.
    You'll find a lot of good and caring people on this site who are dealing with a similar problem and they will support you as best they can. Even the fact that you know you're no longer alone can make life a little easier.
    hereigoagain likes this.
  3. BetrayedSoul

    BetrayedSoul Member

    I know very well how you feel about not having true friends. It is absolutely the same for me. I thought I had someone very special for me. A special person, someone who would make me feel special and to whom I could give all my love and my time in order to make that person happy. But I was betrayed. The person did not feel the same apparantely. However, there is a bright side of your story. You have children. Make them be something special for you. They care for you just like you do for them. You are their special someone and their lives would be very difficult without you. Seek strength by loving them.
    hereigoagain and bobbob like this.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hi, and welcome to the forum!

    I am sorry to hear how you're feeling and how you have been struggling.
    One thing is knowing what is going on and understanding your depression and triggers... another is to know how to get better. Isolating yourself seems like such a logic solution but it is the very opposite. It will only make you feel worse.

    Can I ask you if you have ever had any therapy or counseling to help you with these things? I think it would be a good idea to get yourself into therapy. Maybe look into DBT? That works with how you handle the triggers in a healthy way.

    Please be kind to yourself, you do deserve that!
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forum. Do you think making friends with the ''real'' you on display might help you feel more like you are allowed to show the true you? Are you seeing a doctor or a therapist for your issues? It would be a great source of support and you can be honest with the doctors, they are trained to help you and won't judge you in the slightest, you need to bite the bullet (pun not intended) and speak up, let your voice be heard. Best of luck to you and again, welcome :)
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