Just Can't Stand It Any Longer

[luciano]

I don't want to live anymore. I havn't got any joy from life for a few years now, and can't go on any longer feeling like this. The only reason I am still alive today is cause of my student loans. I may not care much for my family but I don't wanna leave them with my debt, and every day it starts to mean less to me. I feel so worthless in all areas of my life. I have no future. I only like to listen to music and everything else I used to enjoy leaves me feeling empty.... hollow inside. I feel guilty for feeling like this, cause there are people out there who arn't as lucky as me and I know it, or have a terminal disease and I would like to trade places with them cause I don't deserve this life...

 

[xestrangedx]

Dont you ever say you dont deserve life. You were born for a reason i do belive. You are still here so to me it means you have not yet completed what it is you are suppose to do. Do you know what has made you feel this way? I know its hard to pin point exactly but any rough ideas? By reading this you must care aabout your family even just the slighest. You dont want to leave them with debt - thats good of you. How are you paying it? Are you quite on top of it or falling ebhind in paying it? If so the sooner you talk to a professional like at the bank, the sooner they know and can help you. Dont suffer insilence because you will get yourself into a deeper hole and it will be so much harder to get out off. Music helps you? Me too. Hold on to that. Why not try writing your own? Anyone can write music, it coems from inside of you. You must have a lot of emotion and feeling right now, write it down. Take up an instrument. I took up playing the guityar, it helped me focused and gave me something to aim for like learning a new song from one of my favourite bands. This all seems hard right now but once you start doing one thing, it will become easier in time. I promise really. I have been in similar situations and im still here to tell the tale. Now that is sying something, you CAN and WILL get through this. We all need help sometimes, let us in. I know your trying to. You know you need a little push right now, thanks for writing here instead of just giving up.

Why not try new stuff? Just a sport or hobby. Anything that may have an appeal to you. Like i said at the end of the last paragraph. We all need help sometimes, we are human. Dont feel guilty for feeling like this. Yes there may be people worse off than you - there always is, but you are not them. You lead your own life and we all slip. Its what we do when we are at our lowest that proves to everyone out there how strong we really are. Please dont give up. This is easier said than done, but it can be done. Please if you ever want to talk message me - i have msn and a few other things. Donrt give up just yet. Im here and so are others.

Good luck. :smile:

 

[Ignored]

Well, your family shouldn't be liable for your debt if you were to die, but clearly you do care for them and so perhaps staying alive for them until you can stay alive for yourself might be possible?!

 

[luciano]

There are a couple of reasons why I want to kill myself. One reason is cause of my family life and job related. After I went to school I couldn't get a job in my field cause I don't have any experience. So the only jobs I can get are ones that pay just a bit over min wage, which I can't live on and pay off my student loans at the same time so I had to move back in with my parents. Since moving back in with them I have been crashing on their couch and I have no privacy or no place to go if I just wanna be alone. I get very little sleep at night cause of family members coming in late at night and others that get up early in the morning.

The other reason is cause I am almost 24 and I have never had a girlfriend or been on a date and can't see it ever changing. Girls show no intrest towards me. I have had Social Anxiety (SA) for as far as I can remember and in the past few months have made some progress but my situation with girls remains unchanged. This loneliness is often what fuels most of suicidal thoughts.

I live out in a farming community and am a fair distance from the closest town. So getting involved in sports is difficult to do and my parents are still over protective. I can't go out without them getting ticked off and asking all kinds of questions.

Well, your family shouldn't be liable for your debt if you were to die

I don't know the laws around here about debt and death, especially self inflicted death but for one of my loans I needed a parent's signature who is responsible if I defaulted. Staying alive just long enough until they were payed off was what I orginally intended but I just don't care anymore.