I went to psych today and felt good coming back from apt, only to come home to aggresive and snippy mother. Immediately feeling like shit about myself. now having suicidal thoughts AGAIN, second thoughts about meds im supposed to start on, and basically second thoughts about everything. All i can hear in my head is "your an ugly bitch. You deserve to die. You mother doesnt love you. your father doesnt love you. Just go die" over and over again. The sad part is that it is so frickin true. I hate crying yet i still cry over this, and im sick of it. Im isck of crying. sick of trying. sick of being ugly and unwanted, on the inside and out. Im sick of going on like its going to get better, and sick of finding faith that there is a way my mind will heal. Im sick of living. I just want to die, i dont htink i can do this anymore. i know i say the words way too much, but the sad fact is that its true.... i feel it so often and have long accepted the fact that the words will eventually turn into the action that lets me end all this pain. No, i dont want to die, i love my animals, my horses, my dogs, cats, chickens, lambs.... but i cant bear the pain that follows me everywhere, even with the love my animals give back. it makes me sad to know that i will never be able to give back to them like they have given to me, but i simply cannot keep living through this pain. At times it fogs over and i can pretend everything is all good, but tonight in complete clarity i know that im not going to get better. my mother didnt. my mothers mother didnt. Why would i EVER be expected to be any different? im a lost cause befor ei even start, and i cant take the pain of trying and failing anymore. Im ready to lose all the pain, even if it means losing my life along with it.