just cant take it anymore- words said too often

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThornThatNeverHeals, Sep 27, 2012.

  1. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    I went to psych today and felt good coming back from apt, only to come home to aggresive and snippy mother. Immediately feeling like shit about myself. now having suicidal thoughts AGAIN, second thoughts about meds im supposed to start on, and basically second thoughts about everything. All i can hear in my head is "your an ugly bitch. You deserve to die. You mother doesnt love you. your father doesnt love you. Just go die" over and over again. The sad part is that it is so frickin true. I hate crying yet i still cry over this, and im sick of it. Im isck of crying. sick of trying. sick of being ugly and unwanted, on the inside and out. Im sick of going on like its going to get better, and sick of finding faith that there is a way my mind will heal. Im sick of living. I just want to die, i dont htink i can do this anymore. i know i say the words way too much, but the sad fact is that its true.... i feel it so often and have long accepted the fact that the words will eventually turn into the action that lets me end all this pain. No, i dont want to die, i love my animals, my horses, my dogs, cats, chickens, lambs.... but i cant bear the pain that follows me everywhere, even with the love my animals give back. it makes me sad to know that i will never be able to give back to them like they have given to me, but i simply cannot keep living through this pain. At times it fogs over and i can pretend everything is all good, but tonight in complete clarity i know that im not going to get better. my mother didnt. my mothers mother didnt. Why would i EVER be expected to be any different? im a lost cause befor ei even start, and i cant take the pain of trying and failing anymore. Im ready to lose all the pain, even if it means losing my life along with it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur mother did not have help or therapy YOU can have the therapy the help to get better You need to get away from all the toxic people in your life and you need to start living life for YOU You have treatment and therapy hun you can heal
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Thorny, first let me state the obvious, I care about you deeply...your mother's perceptions are only the reflections of her pathology and should not be used as any evidence concerning what kind of person you are...your father, from what I can summize is weak and a coward...these are not the people who should determine your well being...when we are able to start to develop a sense of independence from this inadequate parenting, mourn the loss of a supportive family, we are able to move on and begin to develop a self concept we establish for ourselves...having had horrific parents, I know what it is like to become unhinged by constant humiliation...finally, I realized that what they said and did was NOT a reflection of me...they were the 'sick' ones, and I had to create a way to view myself independent of their noise...I hope you begin to find yourself in this way as well
  4. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    oh Thorns ((((((gentle hug)))))))
    I'm not doing so well at the moment so all i have to offer are ((((gentle hugs))))
    My heart goes out to you

    I so very much hope you can hear, and take to heart, what Sadeyes is saying. it is your parents who are ill, they are the sick ones.

    Can you get some support here...maybe on the forum...when you hear those negative things can you come here and let people know so they can help to remind you of what you really deserve which is love and nurturing? Maybe people here can help until you are able to tell yourself those things? i'm sorry if my words are not coming out right, i'm having difficulty myself atm but i really care and my heart really feels for you right now.

    you deserve to be nurtured, loved, cared about, and protected. Your parents cannot provide this, so it's important for you to find a way to provide this for yourself and maybe there is an adult in your life (or one who will come along) a teacher, relative, someone, who might be able to help provide some of this for you, but someone who is safe. Someone you can trust. Some who is appropriate. Someone who understands.

    you can get better though. you really can.

    ((((((gentle hugs))))))))