Just can't take it anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by susannah, Jun 23, 2015.

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  1. susannah

    susannah Member

    Another day of my mother shouting abuse at me non-stop. Non-stop. Screaming right at my face, that I'm ''worthless'' and ''a loser'' along with her usual swearing and names. I'm 35. She has done this all my life. She sabotaged every attempt I made to escape her toxic presence. There's absolutely no-one to ask for help. No one cares.

    And I'm done. Just can't do it anymore. She has actually told me I should kill myself and even though it's playing right into her hands - I just can't take the pain anymore. Or the loneliness. Every day is just soul-crushing despair. Enduring not living.

    I never had a chance.

    But at least it will be over.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi susanna,

    That sure sounds like a toxic relationship, do ye live together? At age 35, she should respect your feelings and know the boundaries.
    I really am sorry that you are hurting so much, you need to take a break from her, she's treating you awfully.
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Can you share the reason why you seem to be living at homr with her?

    Do you have employment?
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering as the relationship with your mum is not nice. You need to remain calm which I know is not easy. The pain you endure from such harsh words is not nice. I implore on you not to act on your feelings. Life is important and that includes you. Like you I struggle and breakdown everyday but I get up and determined to get through the day. I am so sorry if it he last sentence sounds harsh but in no way it's not. I trying to show that there is always a positive outlook on life. We are here for YOU. The only ones who understand are the ones who suffer everyday and know what you are going through.

    You need to seek therapy and medication in order to cope with the daily struggle. It will help you tremendously. So please do not think you are alone. Please take the virtual hand I offer in order to help you get through life. PM me anytime if you wish to talk in private.
  5. susannah

    susannah Member

    Thanks so much for your replies, Petal, DrownedFishOnFire and Unknown_111. It means a lot that people bother to reply to me, especially on a forum like this where everyone is struggling with their own battles.

    I'm doing a bit better today, though still not great - mostly because I managed to avoid her all day. Yes, unfortunately I do still live with her. I'm not in paid employment. I always struggled to hold down a job, because my anxiety and depression just took over. I discovered that I actually suffer from ocd - which explains a lot - but of course .... years and years have gone past. I did manage to get a volunteer job at a charity shop which was a big deal for me and have managed to keep it, even though my ocd has been very bad at times. The whole idea was to then try and find paid employment, but it hasn't really worked. I've too big a gap in my employment history and I don't even get replies to applications.

    And during it all .... having to cope with family members that TRULY don't care about me and who treat as if I'm just ''lazy'' or don't deserve to have normal things like a job and a place of my own - has been really hard. I've also got extended family members who literally only speak to me when they want things, who don't even try to disguise how uninterested they are in me or my life, but then act as if I owe it to them to continually be there for them, helping them out.
    I'm always having it thrown in my face how much they all care for each other and how content they are in their own lives.

    I just struggle to see how anything is EVER going to improve.

    But thank you again for your replies.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again Susannah,

    I can sort of relate, I am 26 and live at home, due to medical issues I am very weak all the time and my mom calls me lazy but most of the time she is supportive which is great.
    It is great that you are volunteering? What kind of volunteering are you doing?
    I volunteered last year for 8 months and I really enjoyed it and it made me feel good about myself. At least you have that outlet when things get too stressed.
    Best of luck to you :hugs:
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Is there a desire to live away from the family? I am sorry you are feeling this way. There are ways to gain some independence with assistance depending on where you live.
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