just cant win

I have been depressed for a long time. attemted suicide at 15 then again at 44 last dec. almost made it, two surgerys and 4 months of rehab and back to square one. Only person that knows it was a suicide was my wife. when i left to do it she just said good by. Not much else she could but i would have hoped she would have said dont do it. she would do anything to help me i just wont let her. I am the one depressed but she has to go through it too.I have understood my depressiong for about 6 years and have tried a few thing to fix it but it was untill after my survied attemp did i really try. Most therpists wont talk to me because i tried suicde. I read books on cognitive therapy and it is like they are written about me. I found a cognitive doc 1,5 hours away and went to her for a while. she is very good. If i could afford it i know she could help me. when i was seeing her i was suicidle everyday she insited on meds and two sessions a week,$300. i was not on meds long enough and the cost was killing me. she suggested for me to go to a hospital or she would not treat me anymore. since then i had my reg doc help me with meds and we found one that works. on it 4 months and alcohol free. It smoothed things out and the daily suicide thoughts have gone away. I am still depressed. I have isolated myself from my family have lived in the garage for two years now. I know that it can be fixed but i can not do it myself. I hurt my wife everyday wether i talk to her or not.. I have always been known as a hard worker but i wont lift a finger to fix this depression. My depression wont let me. I dont have it bad but i just can not let myself help myself. I told my wife i am going to end in monday. she says we can borrow money for the theripist but told her no made her cry. we havent talked in two days. I believe she will be relieved when i am gone. I know it is wrong but i can not motivate myself to helpmyself. I have worked 20 hour shifts on crab boats in alaska. started my own busness and worked it for 15 years but i will not give myself a break. My mind is numb what can i do to save myself from myself

 

hi, and welcome. i think you need to go into the hospital. they can make some adjustments to your meds and keep you safe until you start to feel better again. are you still taking the meds that you referred to (the ones that worked for about 4 months?). maybe they can add something to those to ease you through this patch.

i'm sorry things are so difficult with your wife. i doubt she'd be relieved that you are gone. i'm certain she'd be devastated. it's the depression that is making you think otherwise. it is lying to you, and the main thing you can do is not believe the lies.

i'm your age and have fought suicidal feelings since i was 12 (i'm 45 now). i've learned to have the feelings and yet not act on them. now when i am close i go see my psychiatrist and check myself into the hospital.

another thing, are you sure that depression is the correct diagnosis? could you be bipolar? if so anti depressants are the wrong meds for you.

please hang on until you get this figured out. it is possible to feel better again. i've been there and emerged the other side.

 

Hi and welcome...maybe you should let someone help you...first by sharing with others and then by going back into treatment to see how you can make your life better...with all your hard work, you deserve some of the benefits to go to you...welcome again and thanks for sharing...J

 

If you cannot motivate yourself for you then do it for you wife okay Look at her suffering and heal it by going in and getting help for yourself. ONce in hospital they can adjust meds accordingly They can give you that fighter back
inside you If not for you then for your wife do not destroy her by doing what you say you will do She will NOT get over it she will NOT move on she will be destroyed.