Just Checking in

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Luie, Apr 24, 2015.

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  1. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    Hello forum, it's Luie. Thought I'd give some evidence of my existence, since I ninja AFK'd for a month.

    Welp, now for a long summary walltext of what's been going on.
    I didn't properly consider the affects of time, and therefore my method has failed. But I'm not upset about it. Over this past month, I got past a particularly depressive state. But every day, at some point, I asked myself if I want to die, and more often than not, I answer with a yes, no matter how happy I am in the moment. But I also think about what my life is like right now, since I've changed my outlook. I'm not living as if I'll have a lifetime ahead. Up until this year I've gone on with life assuming I'll have a lifetime, and that's seriously hurt me. Now I'm living as if I'm going to die. And that is the only thing that keeps me happy. I don't have to care about anything, or worry, or deal with this hole I seem to be digging myself into. I can treasure the small things, or the things I've never noticed before or appreciated. I can do what I want without having to consider the world around me. I can focus on myself and the small doses of chemicals that keep me above the water.

    So this made me think about the 'in-between' period I'm in right now. This living for myself thing, where I'm selfishly coveting all the things in my life that keep the serotonin where it belongs. This lifestyle is keeping me alive, but it is also hurting other people who care about me. It's not the sort of lifestyle I can survive with in the world unless, by some chance, I get god damn lucky. It's not the sort of lifestyle that can exist in the long-term. I take risks. I don't worry over things. My daily life consists of doing everything I can to keep myself happy and ignoring the things that bring me down, which unfortunately also includes juggling imaginary money. I write, I read, I draw, I walk, I go outside and explore, I hang out with friends, I listen to music, I draw dicks on brick walls, anything I can do to keep my brain occupied to a point where I'm not even aware that time is passing. I have no responsibilities, no expectations, no one to please, and especially no stress. If this is my life, and if I must have one, then this is the way I want to live. This is all I want. But I can't configure that lifestyle into the one I'm expected to have, where I spend years getting a degree to secure a job and spend the rest of my life working and paying loans and bills, all the while having to compromise between the things that make me happy with the things that keep a roof over my head. I simply have no desire to do that anymore.

    So I know the lifestyle I've chosen, while it's the only thing I want to live for, it can't last very long. And I'm okay with that. I am a person who is suicidal. I am doing everything I can to make me not feel that way, no matter the consequences. I am ignoring the world and focusing solely on the things I want to keep living for. Which I realize will eventually be destructive, but I can accept that if it means I can stop feeling like such a shithead for right now. To me, that is the better life, regardless of how long it lasts. Quality over quantity applies to living too. I find that, if you are a person who is suicidal, you are doing everything you can to find worth in life, and more often than not, those are the things that make you smile. Continuing to live means living on those smiles, and testing their worth against the things that make you want to die.

    I've also thought of seeing a therapist. I don't really want help, and I don't expect any help will come of it, but people generally believe that when you are suicidal, the rational thing to do is go seek professional help. While in all my experience wit the dozens of therapists I've seen throughout my life have done more bad than good, for the sake of others who would blame themselves if I were to die, I'm willing to give the professionals one last chance. However, I realize that in doing this, I risk being unwillingly hospitalized. I currently have no insurance. I don't know what the cost will be, if there will be any, and I don't want this personal issue to bleed out into other people's lives. But at the same time, I don't want those people to think I just kept my thoughts to myself for so long that I ended them, and I know a simple note explaining why that's wrong won't erase their feelings. So, I'm a little torn about what to do at this point. Therapy seems like the respectable thing to do, I just don't want it to kick me in the face like it's always done in the past.

    Well, what a rant that was.
    Spring is here, by the way. Time to go outside and get your sunshine vitamins :Y
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Luie thanks for the update It seems you are doing your best that is all one can do. I think that if you could find that right therapist things could change there are some really good therapist out there that could help you not just survive but to live without those thoughts. I don't think you would be hospitalized not just for thoughts as long as you are not in immediate danger of hurting yourself I have often told my therapist of my thoughts and have not been admitted. Keep trying ok and reach out for that professional help ask around find a good therapist ok you deserve that help.
  3. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    Thanks eclipse. Unfortunately, with no insurance (or, as best, Obamacare) I can only pick from a very limited therapist pool. The reason I question confidentiality is because a therapist tried to have me admitted a few years ago when I was far from suicidal thoughts simply because I truthfully answered the question "Have you ever thought about dying" with a "sometimes", because literally everyone who says "never" is lying. I was held captive in a room for five hours and nearly admitted to a hospital for something that was far from what anyone could consider a suicidal thought. The therapists here are a little... erm... unprofessional. But they're my only option, which is why I have to be very careful. I'm sure there's one phenomenal therapist within my reach, I just feel a little uneasy about walking into a handful of clinics and asking them about their confidentiality policies on suicidal thoughts and detailed information on each therapist's approach. Besides, if it doesn't work with a therapist and I want to leave, I'm not sure they're going to leave me alone if I tell them I'm suicidal. :p
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