just checking to see if anyone knows what im supposed to do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by WhiteMoon, Jul 28, 2014.

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  1. WhiteMoon

    WhiteMoon New Member


    I don't know where to start. I believe that if I'm going to do this I have to try everything to make sure that I am making the right decision.

    Uhmmmm. I guess the biggest problem is loneliness. Like, I am a social, loving person in my nature. I like being connected to others and helping people and sharing life with people. I really, really do. I can't express how much this means to me. It's honestly the only thing that matters. When I have had close relationships with people it's really been the only thing that mattered to me.

    For years I believed that my deep desire to have relationships with other people was a sign of weakness. That I needed to "work through my issues" so I wouldn't need to be depended on other people. But maybe it's just who I am and what I need out of life? I mean, social interaction is a basic human need right?

    I'm really isolated. If I'm not at work, I'm at home, alone in the apartment. I struggle to talk to my family. My BF broke up with me, but we still live together as friends. But he's never around. I needed him so much to help me get used to going out. To do stuff with me when I was scared to do it alone. To help me make friends of my own. But he has other priorities, which is fine, but I guess it leaves me back in a shitty situation. I have one friend. One. Who lives across the country.

    I have a really fucking hard time with this. In highschool I had friends because I went to school with people. But they never wanted to be there outside of school, or if they did, they scattered when I went through a hard time after school.

    IDK why but like, I can't do what normal people do. Like how they bond to eachother. IDK what I'm not doing that everyone else is. I can't seem to make people want to be friends with me or see that i want to be friends with them.

    I have PTSD (edit to add: I was diagnosed with PTSD, but I strongly suspect that I actually have C-PTSD (complex ptsd)) from sexual assaults in my teens. I was bullied in school. Especially junior high. I don't realize it until a few years ago because I guess I just thought a deserved it. I also think I was sexually assaulted when I was a kid coz I have vague memories and i used to play I was being r***ed when I was six.

    I can't fucking talk to people like a normal person. I can't relate to people. I honestly hate myself so fucking much. Why can't I just be normal???

    I don't really have interests, and those things that I am interested in I'm kinda shy about. I always try to hide pieces of myself to keep them safe. I was really comfortable with my ex and now he's gone and I'm alone. I'm not suicidal because he left me. I was before he was in my life, and when I was with him I wasn't because he was there, but now he's gone and I can't deal with life without him. I sound desperate but I don't care.

    Oh yea, and I've tried the whole therapy thing. Lots. Uhmmmm so basically I go into their room, talk nervously for 45 minutes straight and they don't really say something and just assume I feel better now that I've talked about everything. The forget MAJOR things about me/my past. I leave an emotional wreck that can't function and haven't offered any good advice or done anything to help other than sit there and listen. I also really didn't feel like 45 minutes was long enough for me to actually work on anything and certainly not make progress and then work on feeling well enough to make it to the next session. Maybe there's a competent therapist out there who actually knows how to help me, but the search has taken too much of a toll on me. And I don't have the social support I know I need (don't care anymore if Im being needy) to deal with everything therapy brings up. Plus it's expensive. Like really, really expensive and I know I would many, many sessions. I tried free/cheap services but you get what you pay for and I didn't feel like the people I was seeing knew how to help me... like they seemed baffled by my problems and I would get a max of 6 sessions with them anyways and I know I need more than four and a half hours. But even if I could get a good therapist idk if i could bond with them and really open up and if I could handle dealing with my "issues" alone.

    I really do feel like Im going crazy I've spent so many hours alone that sometimes I feel like I'm in a nightmare, and everyone I know is just a fleeting figment that I can't seem to hold onto
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2014
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I have an idea -though I doubt it will be very helpful to you - but you sound very normal to me. I honestly think most of your problem stems from the idea you have of what normal is and what normal relationships are. You seem to be putting other people and the relationships other people have on a pedestal because you do not have a close bond relationship now but assuming that everybody else is closely bonded to many people and deeply involved in relationships is probably a little optimistic or fantasy like for you. It is not easy for most people to make friends and and moist friendships are more fair weather friends than deep bonds and as soon as the other person no longer has something to offer they want they go on their way.
    Based on your description of therapy I would guess you have been to "talk therapists" which I personally do not have a great deal of confidence in because I do not really buy into the idea if I talk about my problems for 45 minutes I will magically feel better- if you do get the opportunity to go to real therapy that stresses coping mechanisms and strategies to reach goals than it may prove far more helpful than pouring your soul out for 45 minutes every two weeks with no feedback except "and how did that make you feel?"

    You are alone a lot - that means you will be lonely until you get yourself out and find a way to be around people. If you can find an activity that will get you around people and accept what the normal people have to offer (casual chat and a drink or even out when in a good mood) as friendship then you will meet more people and over time a very small percentage of these people may develop into the type of friends and relationships you imagine for yourself or think that others have but that is the only way to get those type of friendships - by starting off with small interactions and not pushing too hard for more because more is actually pretty rare.
  3. MinnesotaMan

    MinnesotaMan New Member


    This is my first post on this forum. I just finished reading your post and I'm immediately convinced that coming here was the right thing to do. I truly appreciate your ability to be so candid about your struggles and hope that I can soon do the same. I too have been so lonely that it brought me to the edges of sanity. For me, it was quite helpful knowing that even one person was hearing my words and considering my thoughts. So, for what it's worth -- it's been about 20 minutes and I'm still thinking about your post. Thank you for sharing.
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