where to begin? i am 20 years old,austistic,and have been thinking of killing myself everyday for almost a year. i look strange,have a bit of a stutter,and am very nervous and awkward; and so everyone,my whole life,has treated me badly;like i am a complete retard. i am not though. i feel that i am a very thoughtful,creative person. i am very interested in music,film,writing,etc and i feel that i have talent in all three areas. no one else seems to see this. i have been more or less a complete recluse since right before my 17th birthday,sometimes going well over a month without leaving. last fall i decided i would take charge of my life and go to college. i thought that if i could meet more creative types,and in general just get some sense of direction and belonging in my life,i would be much happier. since starting school,things have gotten drastically worse. everyone at school either talks to me like i'm a complete retard, is afraid of and appalled by me or they just laugh at me. my condition causes me to be significantly more sensitive than the average person,and so this has all had a very,very bad impact on me. i feel cold inside all the time. i feel completely removed and outside of everything. i try to cope with these feelings by telling myself that all artist types all outsiders in their time;that people always have and always will harshly judge things they do not immeidately understand,and that i should not hate them for it. my reassurance never works. i have become more and more bitter,and feel more and more like i am living in a nightmare,like a combination of the movies carrie,taxi driver,and brazil. i try to my best to remain hopeful and to meet people at school and hang out with them on the weekends. they all eventually just make fun of me. we'll go to cafe's where their friends work and they'll all laugh at me/ talk down to me. i fit in nowhere. the more this happens,the more socially removed i get and the more grim my face looks. everyone notices the change in me,physically and personality-wise,so even the few friends i had from high school don't want to hang out with me. every time i ask them to hang out,they are "busy". my fifteen year old brother now refuses to even come to my house on the weekends anymore (his father has primary custody of him)...i'm rambling ha,but basically,i don't see what i have to live for. i fear things will never improve and that people will continue to treat like i'm not even a person, i will get worse,and then their reactions will get that much worse,and i'll eventually become a complete psychopath;yesterdayw e had ester here at my mother's and i srated in my room the entire time. i feel i can't connect with or relate to anyone anymore. i have tried to confide in people,but after i do,they treat me even more like a freak. if it weren't for having music in my life,i would have kileld myself long ago. please help.