just completely at the end of my rope...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wmz, Apr 5, 2010.

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  1. wmz

    wmz New Member

    where to begin? i am 20 years old,austistic,and have been thinking of killing myself everyday for almost a year. i look strange,have a bit of a stutter,and am very nervous and awkward;
    and so everyone,my whole life,has treated me badly;like i am a complete retard. i am not though. i feel that i am a very
    thoughtful,creative person. i am very interested in music,film,writing,etc and i feel that i have talent in all three areas.
    no one else seems to see this. i have been more or less a complete recluse since right before my 17th birthday,sometimes going
    well over a month without leaving. last fall i decided i would take charge of my life and go to college. i thought that if i could
    meet more creative types,and in general just get some sense of direction and belonging in my life,i would be much happier.
    since starting school,things have gotten drastically worse. everyone at school either talks to me like i'm a complete retard,
    is afraid of and appalled by me or they just laugh at me. my condition causes me to be significantly more sensitive than
    the average person,and so this has all had a very,very bad impact on me. i feel cold inside all the time. i feel completely
    removed and outside of everything. i try to cope with these feelings by telling myself that all artist types all outsiders
    in their time;that people always have and always will harshly judge things they do not immeidately understand,and that
    i should not hate them for it. my reassurance never works. i have become more and more bitter,and feel more and more like
    i am living in a nightmare,like a combination of the movies carrie,taxi driver,and brazil. i try to my best to remain hopeful and to meet people at school and hang out with them on the
    weekends. they all eventually just make fun of me. we'll go to cafe's where their friends work and they'll all laugh at me/
    talk down to me. i fit in nowhere. the more this happens,the more socially removed i get and the more grim my face looks.
    everyone notices the change in me,physically and personality-wise,so even the few friends i had from high school don't want
    to hang out with me. every time i ask them to hang out,they are "busy". my fifteen year old brother now refuses to even come
    to my house on the weekends anymore (his father has primary custody of him)...i'm rambling ha,but basically,i don't see what
    i have to live for. i fear things will never improve and that people will continue to treat like i'm not even a person,
    i will get worse,and then their reactions will get that much worse,and i'll eventually become a complete psychopath;yesterdayw e had ester here at my mother's and i srated in my room the entire time. i feel i can't connect with or relate to anyone anymore. i
    have tried to confide in people,but after i do,they treat me even more like a freak. if it weren't for having music in my life,i would have kileld myself long ago. please help.
  2. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    i can relate to some of what you are feeling. i was quite anti-social for a while in high school. even these days (20+ years later) i still feel like an outcast sometimes.

    it is good that you have a passion for something (film/music) as it gives you an outlet for expression. i'd encourage you to keep pursuing your passion. eventually it will pay off. in the mean time, try to ignore the idiots around you and focus on what you can do to improve your life, for you.

    sorry this is a little rambling and weird, but i've gotta run but did want to at least drop a quick line.

    keep talking. we're listening.
  3. wmz

    wmz New Member

    i try to pay no mind to people,but like it's near impossible. like,i said i'm just completely hypersenitive. if someone insults me,it physically hurts and it sticks with me. and it is EVERYBODY:family,peers at school,everyone at parties,the lady working the gas station..i'll try to hang in the best i can though,even if i dont see much of a point. i get no pleasure whatsoever of anything but getting fucked up and listening to music,and even that loses its magic when you do it all the time. gah.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi sorry you are being made fun of so much People can be very cruel I hope your love for art and movies films can help you get outside your depression.
    You can call your doctor maybe get on some medication for depression Get some therapy to help you deal with the cruelty that you have suffered. I am glad you came here as no one makes fun of you here we all understand and just know we care okay You are not alone now you have the people here to make friends with take care
  5. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    That is a horrible feeling and experience. We live in a society where people are still judgemental. Yes, instead of treating people with autism as people, they treat them as a condition.

    So for clarity and discussion, are you a high functioning person with autism? I know some don't engage socially etc.

    Have you thought about getting involved with one of the autisum coalitions? Awarenss sounds like needs to take place perhaps you can be an embassador for the cause....music is a great way to express that.
  6. wmz

    wmz New Member

    not sure,i haven been very extensively tested. i'd assume that's what i'd fall under though...i mean,i socialize,i just find it really uncomfortable and i respond with a lot of "yeah","oh i see","alright" sort-of automated responses...

    and that's exactly what is,they treat you like you're just a disease. they don't take the time to talk to you or get to know you,they just sit there and smile at you like you're not at all there...thanks for being so understanding!
  7. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    That is the ugly side of humans....we forget to treat people like humans not conditions and such.....mine is quite external so when I go out, I get alot of looks, stares , distances and comments. It's cruel but....

    As hard as it is, it takes speical people to deal with it and uprise in which you have done but it's getting too much.....don't hesitate to tell people upront how you feel.....we need not be agressive or attacking but we can tell people "Hey, i'm just wondering....do you not like me for any reason???" It's amazing how people respond when they least expect it....

    Where I live, there is more senstivity in autism so it really sounds like your area is due for education and awareness. Perhaps you can get involved in leading that movement. Jenny McCarty famous actress whose son was dx with autism, speaks for the cause and such.

    You don't have to be passive you have a right to be direct with people....me, I bark loud! :-D
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2010
  8. wmz

    wmz New Member

    yes and because of how constant the comments and talking-down-to have become,i can now almost only see that ugly side. within the last month and a half,four people have stopped associating with me;all people that i was at one point really close with me. and one of them is my brother. no one even sees me as "zach's a little fucked up but he's a cool guy" anymore,they see me as a shadow,like zach is completely gone. being the way that i am,you already feel a bit detatched and lonely,even if you do have people in your life. and now that they're actually really arent any,i just dont know how to deal with it. i mean,me and my brother used to be really really close. now he will no longer come over,doesnt answer my calls,deleted me on facebook,and when i went over to his house,he wouldnt even come to the door. i really feel like im hell,where i cant connect to anyone,where no one even treats me as a person;even my own family...
  9. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    I don't doubt what's going on and it must feel like a very lonely world....it hurts more when it's poeple that you use to have ties too....we often think they will be there regardless but they sometimes are the first persons to hurt us......I'm truly sorry for this......

    This world truly is big and when it comes to belonging or developing relationships, sometimes we have to step outside our normal parameters and connect with other people. There is still so much prejudice and plain disrespect in this world...too fat....too thin.....mexian....asian...white...black.....then there is poor....the rich....as bad as that sounds, there are divisions or prejudices. But our sense of authority and resonsiblity is to build our own network....no one wil do it for us.

    Not to undermine the pain b/c that is a result of rejection....it hurts...and it may hurt for awhile but you can conquer by builidng your life....
  10. mike308

    mike308 Well-Known Member

    not to be an ass.. but you might try telling them how you feel..
    I loved my brother,, we were very close..when I was UP... he was DOWN.. and visa a visa..
    The idea that "someone knows how you feel" is not true..
    I don't know how you feel "UNTIL YOU TELL ME"
    Don't do harm to yourself.
    My lovey wife.. whom I HAVE PUSHED OFF FOR YEARS.. My FAULT.. Tried to tell me.... " I should have know how she felt""
    How the FUCK am I suppose to know how she feels " We can't read minds".

    We need to "TALK TO Each other" " TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL.."
    If you are rejected after that..well then do what need to do.
    Don't harm yourself
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