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just couldn't do it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mrty, Jul 25, 2014.

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  1. mrty

    mrty Member

    So I found myself writing my suicide letter three nights ago, it was very odd. Never in a million years did I think that would be me, until 4 months ago I never dreamed I would ever want to take my own life, not even for a second. So I spent a lot of time researching methods I'm sure I'm not the only one. I decided on <Mod Edit-Method>. I thought about things for a while and decided that I don't want people to know it is suicide another reason for <Mod Edit-Methods>. I got rid of the letter and off I went. <Mod Edit, WildCherry> it was a beautiful day sun shining very warm, only a handful of tourists. I walked to the furthest most remote area trying to hide my tears from passerby's along the way. When I reached the end I stood about two foot from the end just close enough so I could see the waves crashing beneath me. It was terrifying, I stood there for a while trying not to think of my family and how they'll miss me. I wept really hard and loud at this point I didn't give a damn who heard me although no one did its a very remote spot. It kills me I can't appreciate places anymore. Anyway Im sure I want to go I know I want to go but when I was standing there I froze I just couldn't do it, I'm so angry with myself I feel like even more of a failure, it could have been over I could have had peace. Why didn't I do it why am I unable to muster up the courage to even do that. The most important thing I'll ever do and I blew it. Has anyone else ever lost the nerve at the last moment. I do intend on going back and I will as many times as it takes but I will leave this earth. Just give me the strength. Sorry for the length, this has all just been a bit over whelming.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 25, 2014
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome, I have edited your post as it contained suicide methods. Suicide forum is a pro life site. Please read the sites guidelines before posting again.
    I am sorry you are feeling this low. I actually know the place you mentioned in your post, Donegal's beaches, are beautiful. I would definitely say Donegal has the nicest scenery in Ireland. I am Irish. I hope we can provide you with the help and support you need to get through this difficult time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 25, 2014
  3. islandification

    islandification Well-Known Member

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry> I see what you mean about losing your nerve (been there) but chances are you will be glad of that someday soon.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 25, 2014
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi mrty, Welcome to the forum. I am sorry that your are suffering so badly. It's ok to cry as that will ease the pain and anguish your currently suffering. You should not over-think as that will not help you. You need to speak someone about your anguish and not suffer alone. Remember you are not alone in suffering, as there are many others who also suffer. Take care and keep posting for support.
  5. Sad&Bipolar

    Sad&Bipolar Active Member

    Hello Mrty. I have experienced similar feelings of feeling like a failure in the same way. You definitely did not fail. You chose to live. There's a big difference. It is a good thing that you were able to cry. Being on medications, I often experience dry mouth. That drying effect also makes it impossible for me to cry actual tears. Crying is such a great way to release built up emotions.

    Do you have a therapist? If not, this is a good time to find one. Some of your suffering can be relieved by therapy. I have been in therapy for a long time, and my own pain goes up and down. Talking with my therapist is what keeps me going.

    I hope you will continue to post here. This is a great forum for those of us going through rough times.
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