So I guess I'll give a little background since this is my first post here. To be honest I really have no idea why I even joined this site, spur of the moment I guess. Maybe some desire to just share my story with people who will 'get it', unlike almost anyone else in my life. So where to start?, I guess I'll start with the fact I can't remember anything from under 10 years old. Well anything other then being raped by the older son of a neighbor for 4 years. That rape, which I kept secret for years from everyone and even once I admitted it. Well I still kept secret just how much it affected it really affected me and continued to affect me. It basically left me. . .hollow, for years, until I started feeling but all I could feel was really really bad shit. Anyway first I turned to self-harm to deal with it and it worked, despite getting out of control. Then I made my first suicide attempt and then a second and a third I didn't tell anyone about or get admitted to hospital for. Then I started smoking pot to deal with things and within 4-5 months of starting I tried hydromorphone for the first time. It was amazing, it took away everything and made everything. . .better. I didn't use it very much just once in awhile for the first 4 months and well let's just say eventually it got out of control. I went to rehab after a year being very very addicted to the point where my life was in danger. The only real reason I quit though was because my girlfriend at the time got pregnant. Of course she disappeared for months after I got out of rehab and put our daughter up for adoption. I managed to stay away from the pain killers for almost two years well living in the city. Then I wound up having to move back to my hometown and back in with my mom. And I started using the hydromorphone again and oxy's, iv'ing the first and snorting the second, for the next three years. And then after half a year of intense insomnia and a blackout during which I practically ripped my arm apart. Anyway while in the hospital I started going to NA meetings and it helped, somewhat. I moved back into the city, started methadone treatment and started seeing a therapist. All went great for the last 8 months, no relapses with the self-harm and I made 'friends' and people started trusting and respecting me, for the first time ever. But about four weeks ago I started falling into my deepest and most different depression, I think ever, it built up slowly though. I realized that the fact is I'm different, just different, even more different then any of the other addicts I'd come to know. About 3 weeks ago I met a young woman and thought 'hey maybe I will get a shot at normality'. But that was just a fantasy which I now know. Also two months ago I moved into a new place with a roommate from the program and all was fine for the first month. But now I can't stand him at all, I don't want to be at home ever and when I am I stay in my room. I spent xmas, alone at home all day, not leaving at all and not talking to anyone. I went home two days before new years and I just couldn't take it anymore and I used and loved it just as much as I always have. I saw my ex(who I've been 'civil with for a few years) and all I wanted to do was hurt her and keep hurting her for what she did to me. I didn't of course but I really really wanted to. When I got home I spent new years alone getting high and self-harming for the first time in months. All the time thinking about how I should just end it all and considering(and learning) methods I've never considered before. I had planned to have a birthday party tomorrow for the first time in years but I cancelled it yesterday. I'm jut gonna spend the day alone, by myself, either at home or just wondering around the city. And now I've also finally decided on what I should do and how I'll do it(which I won't mention here). So I'm gonna wait a little while, get my passport or enhanced ID card(so I can cross the border) and I'm gonna take a trip. I've always wanted to explore New York City, L.A., Seattle, Chicago, or Detroit. Or if I get my passport London, Amsterdam, Helsinki, Budapest, somewhere around there. Anyway like I said I know what I'm going to do and I don't know why I'm writing this. Probably just to connect with people who understand a bit better then the people that are around me now.