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Just done with it all. . .

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Morningstar, Jan 2, 2012.

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  1. Morningstar

    Morningstar Well-Known Member

    So I guess I'll give a little background since this is my first post here. To be honest I really have no idea why I even joined this site, spur of the moment I guess. Maybe some desire to just share my story with people who will 'get it', unlike almost anyone else in my life. So where to start?, I guess I'll start with the fact I can't remember anything from under 10 years old. Well anything other then being raped by the older son of a neighbor for 4 years. That rape, which I kept secret for years from everyone and even once I admitted it. Well I still kept secret just how much it affected it really affected me and continued to affect me. It basically left me. . .hollow, for years, until I started feeling but all I could feel was really really bad shit. Anyway first I turned to self-harm to deal with it and it worked, despite getting out of control. Then I made my first suicide attempt and then a second and a third I didn't tell anyone about or get admitted to hospital for. Then I started smoking pot to deal with things and within 4-5 months of starting I tried hydromorphone for the first time. It was amazing, it took away everything and made everything. . .better. I didn't use it very much just once in awhile for the first 4 months and well let's just say eventually it got out of control. I went to rehab after a year being very very addicted to the point where my life was in danger. The only real reason I quit though was because my girlfriend at the time got pregnant. Of course she disappeared for months after I got out of rehab and put our daughter up for adoption. I managed to stay away from the pain killers for almost two years well living in the city. Then I wound up having to move back to my hometown and back in with my mom. And I started using the hydromorphone again and oxy's, iv'ing the first and snorting the second, for the next three years. And then after half a year of intense insomnia and a blackout during which I practically ripped my arm apart. Anyway while in the hospital I started going to NA meetings and it helped, somewhat. I moved back into the city, started methadone treatment and started seeing a therapist. All went great for the last 8 months, no relapses with the self-harm and I made 'friends' and people started trusting and respecting me, for the first time ever. But about four weeks ago I started falling into my deepest and most different depression, I think ever, it built up slowly though. I realized that the fact is I'm different, just different, even more different then any of the other addicts I'd come to know. About 3 weeks ago I met a young woman and thought 'hey maybe I will get a shot at normality'. But that was just a fantasy which I now know. Also two months ago I moved into a new place with a roommate from the program and all was fine for the first month. But now I can't stand him at all, I don't want to be at home ever and when I am I stay in my room. I spent xmas, alone at home all day, not leaving at all and not talking to anyone. I went home two days before new years and I just couldn't take it anymore and I used and loved it just as much as I always have. I saw my ex(who I've been 'civil with for a few years) and all I wanted to do was hurt her and keep hurting her for what she did to me. I didn't of course but I really really wanted to. When I got home I spent new years alone getting high and self-harming for the first time in months. All the time thinking about how I should just end it all and considering(and learning) methods I've never considered before. I had planned to have a birthday party tomorrow for the first time in years but I cancelled it yesterday. I'm jut gonna spend the day alone, by myself, either at home or just wondering around the city. And now I've also finally decided on what I should do and how I'll do it(which I won't mention here). So I'm gonna wait a little while, get my passport or enhanced ID card(so I can cross the border) and I'm gonna take a trip. I've always wanted to explore New York City, L.A., Seattle, Chicago, or Detroit. Or if I get my passport London, Amsterdam, Helsinki, Budapest, somewhere around there. Anyway like I said I know what I'm going to do and I don't know why I'm writing this. Probably just to connect with people who understand a bit better then the people that are around me now.
  2. Morningstar

    Morningstar Well-Known Member

    I forgot to add at the top a warning about this being triggering and now it won't let me edit it, go figure, sorry. . .I can be such an idiot sometimes
  3. Jam292

    Jam292 Member

    Just wanted to let you know that I heard you.
  4. Morningstar

    Morningstar Well-Known Member

    Thanks, means alot
  5. ceac101202

    ceac101202 Member

    lets see ive been a drunk a food addict and a sex addict. ive been sexually abused by a boyfriend in a state where i knew no one adn was so alone. i suffer from sever chronic depression and half the time am weepy with no good reason my most recent issue is cutting which i finally quit but know i just want to die and cant figure out how to do it and succeed.
  6. Takotsubo

    Takotsubo Well-Known Member

    we know how you feel , you're not alone , hope everything is better for you and i hope who ever this asshole is , will certainly get what's coming to him . hope he goes to jail for some reason and the same thing happens to him .
  7. Sleep

    Sleep Active Member

    It sounds like life's dealt you some really horrible things, morningstar, and I can empathise with you regarding drug addiction and trying to break the habits that can take over one's life, to the point where you just live for that buzz that keeps you going everyday. I found counselling helped me a lot but my key worker didn't want me mixing with other drug addicts as he said I was one of the most vulnerable people he's had to deal with; it took me a long time to work that out and how people perceive me, thinking that I'm a mug that gets taken advantage of.

    I just want to say that you've got emotional help and support on here mate. We know how bad things feel and what it would be like to just go to sleep and not wake up. I haven't got the balls to kill myself but the older I get, the lonelier I feel even if I'm surrounded by friends or family. I hope things get better for you soon.
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