just done

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cybalt91, Mar 5, 2015.

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  1. cybalt91

    cybalt91 Member

    i don't even know why I'm posting this. I've never posted in any kind of forum, let alone one like this. But I guess I thought it might help? I'm just so tired of fighting a losing battle. I've wanted to die for as long as I can remember. Seriously, I remember wanting to die in the first grade! At that age I didn't even understand what death or life was, but I felt like something was wrong, like I shouldn't be here or anywhere. I'm almost 24 now and this has been a constant. Not a day goes by that I don't think about suicide. Sure some days are better than others, but only in that I feel lost and want to die. Most days I think about it constantly, even plan out different ways to do it. My worst day was in 2012 when I was living with my parents. I planned days in advance, knowing exactly when my mom would be at work, dad volunteering at my brother and sister's school, and them at school, skipped my classes and sat in my bathroom for an hour <mod edit - methods>. But I couldn't do it. Which only fueled my depression. "Weak enough to even get that far, yet too weak to <mod edit - methods>". And it feels like I have no support system. The people who I'm supposed to trust implicitly, don't understand what I feel, and don't listen to me when I try to explain. I don't have a reason to feel this way. I don't have some major traumatic event that occurred to cause this. I've just always felt like I don't belong, or deserve to live. Anyway, a lot of stress has come into my life recently, starting with not being able to find a job in or near where we were living, just no jobs to be had. We moved 3 states away to move in with her dad who helped us get back on our feet, got good jobs and our own apartment. But then we both got sick and were let go. And tonight, I got into a fight with my wife over something stupid. This happens a lot. Not the fighting, but my temper. I get upset or angry at the slightest provocation. Even just spilling a drink or something small like that sets me off. But I've made a ton of progress in the past couple years, due mainly to meeting the love of my life. She has helped me so much and she knows everything about me. But even she doesn't really understand. But tonight we started arguing and I ended up going for a walk to cool off, when I came back I laid down for a nap to help my headache and try to calm down. She woke me up and had me sit down and told me that she can't keep doing this. No matter what I feel or how much I've changed or how hard I'm trying, I still tend to slip up. But she has given me a week to try to get it under control, and get a new job or I have to leave. Move back to NC. She even said that for this next week, to act like we're not even married. She feels that all "our" problems have to do with our age, that we weren't "ready" for marriage. So, she went to stay the night with her dad and when she comes back, for the next week, we are to alternate sleeping on the couch. The one person I'm supposed to be able to tell anything, anything I'm going through or feeling, won't listen to me. And she claims she knows that I've made progress. But even though she knows everything about me and how I feel, even my "almost-suicide-attempt", she didn't really know how I was before we met, she didn't experience how I was, acted. So now, I'm losing the love of my life, all the good things that came from all the hard work from the past couple years and I'm feeling like I'm close to attempting again. I feel like I'm losing everything, have no control, have no strength to carry on. I'm just so tired.
     
  2. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    I'm getting the feeling that you think the only people who have gone through traumatic events have real depression and deserve help, while everyone who falls out of that category is just being an over-ly dramatic pussy who deserves no help. Because that totally isn't true. Depression is just as real to everyone with a brain, even if their general life was better than other people's. If you're reaching out for help and no one seems to care, it's not because you don't deserve help, it's because the people around you are either dicks who don't want to help you, or they're avoiding you because they don't know how to help you. I'd say the person who cares about you the most is your wife. She's the one telling you to go get help and deal with your problems because she cares about you enough to let you know that she can't help you. She isn't trying to push you into suicide, she's letting you know that the way you're acting is affecting her, and that you need to address what you're going through seriously. Obviously she's emotionally attached to you, otherwise she'd just be calling it quits. She doesn't want you to not get better. So stick around a while. We're all here, and I'm sure one of us can give you some good advice. Mine would be to do some more research on depression and the affects it has on the brain, it'll probably help you understand why you feel the way you do. You may even find some quick tips on making yourself feel better in the short-term, such as coffee, or the sun. I recommend both.
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You say you feel like you have no control but it sounds like you have it all in your hands. What if you alternate sleeping on couch for a week? or a month? Is that a huge price to pay for the opportunity to show her you can in fact continue to change ? Why not do it her way but with a good attitude and open mind and excited for the opportunity to learn how to make the relationship work for her as well as it works for you? That would be a good step towards showing that age and maturity is not actually an issue as she claims- by being willing to work on the solution as opposed to fixating on the problems. If she is the love of your life and this is important to you then learning to make it work is a good thing not a bad thing.
     
  4. cybalt91

    cybalt91 Member

    I get what you guys are saying. It might be unbelievable, but I understand that you don't need some traumatic event to feel this way. I've been studying psychology and depression since high school, even went to college with the intent of getting a bachelors in psychology. But I feel like a huge hypocrite, because I understand and accept it for others, but not me. I've been told by counselors, friends, my wife, that a lot of my problem stems from my father, who was/is an intolerable asshole, pardon my language, telling me I'll never be good enough, that I'm a coward for even thinking about suicide, and that I should have done it, but I'm too much of a weakling to do it. Again, weird thing is, I get that. I've even given advice to people suffering from their own depression. But I can't take my own advice. It doesn't help that I have half of the important people in my life telling me I'm stupid, weak, not good enough, and the other half praising my intelligence and stuff. If I'm so damn smart, why can't I figure this out, take my own advice, stop making the same mistakes over and over again?

    As far as the whole wife situation, all of those problems stem from my self-esteem issues. Again, I've been beaten down my entire life. It's the only thing I know. Now I've got someone who tells me she loves me, that I'm perfect in my own way, that I am good enough, and it's hard for me to believe it. Having someone who accepts me for me, I didn't know that could happen. Especially when this happens. Again, I understand that she is trying to help me. But at the same time, I feel alone again. I want to keep on fighting, but I also want to give up. I want to live, if not so much for myself, then at least for her, but I also feel like I'm holding her back from being truly happy in life, that if I was gone, yeah she would grieve, but she would move on, and be better for it.
     
  5. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    Y'know, I never thought about it before, but I'm a huge hypocrite too. Although the advice I give doesn't really apply to me. But I think you should stick around for a while on the forum. We're not doctors or anything, we're just people. Even if it seems we're both going down the same road, we can still hang out here for a while. There's a lot of people here with different opinions, so who knows. I think you should at least take some time be open to the possibility of someone changing your mind or saying something to make you think in a way you've never realized before. Even if it doesn't happen, consider spending some time.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 5, 2015
  6. cybalt91

    cybalt91 Member

    Well, here's an update. I've been kicked out. I'm in the process of packing up and being convinced to not leave til the morning. I'm not sure I can make it through the night or through the 350 mile drive.
     
  7. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    Well that bites, I'm sorry. Want some music for your drive?
     
  8. cybalt91

    cybalt91 Member

    Okay new update. She begged me to stay and get help. She agreed that she needed help too, and if we're serious we can work this out. I just hope I can be strong enough to get that help, ya know?
     
  9. Tjh

    Tjh Active Member

    Hang in there cybalt91, I'm also 24 yrs old and suffer from severe depression and low self esteem too. I hope things get better for you soon. :)
     
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