i don't even know why I'm posting this. I've never posted in any kind of forum, let alone one like this. But I guess I thought it might help? I'm just so tired of fighting a losing battle. I've wanted to die for as long as I can remember. Seriously, I remember wanting to die in the first grade! At that age I didn't even understand what death or life was, but I felt like something was wrong, like I shouldn't be here or anywhere. I'm almost 24 now and this has been a constant. Not a day goes by that I don't think about suicide. Sure some days are better than others, but only in that I feel lost and want to die. Most days I think about it constantly, even plan out different ways to do it. My worst day was in 2012 when I was living with my parents. I planned days in advance, knowing exactly when my mom would be at work, dad volunteering at my brother and sister's school, and them at school, skipped my classes and sat in my bathroom for an hour <mod edit - methods>. But I couldn't do it. Which only fueled my depression. "Weak enough to even get that far, yet too weak to <mod edit - methods>". And it feels like I have no support system. The people who I'm supposed to trust implicitly, don't understand what I feel, and don't listen to me when I try to explain. I don't have a reason to feel this way. I don't have some major traumatic event that occurred to cause this. I've just always felt like I don't belong, or deserve to live. Anyway, a lot of stress has come into my life recently, starting with not being able to find a job in or near where we were living, just no jobs to be had. We moved 3 states away to move in with her dad who helped us get back on our feet, got good jobs and our own apartment. But then we both got sick and were let go. And tonight, I got into a fight with my wife over something stupid. This happens a lot. Not the fighting, but my temper. I get upset or angry at the slightest provocation. Even just spilling a drink or something small like that sets me off. But I've made a ton of progress in the past couple years, due mainly to meeting the love of my life. She has helped me so much and she knows everything about me. But even she doesn't really understand. But tonight we started arguing and I ended up going for a walk to cool off, when I came back I laid down for a nap to help my headache and try to calm down. She woke me up and had me sit down and told me that she can't keep doing this. No matter what I feel or how much I've changed or how hard I'm trying, I still tend to slip up. But she has given me a week to try to get it under control, and get a new job or I have to leave. Move back to NC. She even said that for this next week, to act like we're not even married. She feels that all "our" problems have to do with our age, that we weren't "ready" for marriage. So, she went to stay the night with her dad and when she comes back, for the next week, we are to alternate sleeping on the couch. The one person I'm supposed to be able to tell anything, anything I'm going through or feeling, won't listen to me. And she claims she knows that I've made progress. But even though she knows everything about me and how I feel, even my "almost-suicide-attempt", she didn't really know how I was before we met, she didn't experience how I was, acted. So now, I'm losing the love of my life, all the good things that came from all the hard work from the past couple years and I'm feeling like I'm close to attempting again. I feel like I'm losing everything, have no control, have no strength to carry on. I'm just so tired.