Just Done!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostsoul1985, May 24, 2015.

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  1. lostsoul1985

    lostsoul1985 New Member

    I've posted here before, but I walked away hoping things would get better. They have not.

    My father died unexpectedly and my mother has gone back to the woman I used to hate. She is terminal with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. She makes my life a living hell.

    I was a caregiver for my father and her, now just her. I don't want to care for her anymore, as awful as that sounds. She dislikes the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with. He said something she dislikes and she's been raving for days. I made him a plate of leftovers today so they do not get thrown out (it's a waste of money) and she threw a burrito I bought her this morning AT me. She cursed me, and I'm shattered.

    I am looking at the pills my dad left behind. Eight different blood pressure pills, Xanax, I have my own pills, and Tramadol. I have deeply considered taking them tonight and just ending all the pain. She won't have to deal with me or my youngest son anymore (who she obviously resents because he belongs to my other half) and maybe people will be happier.

    My youngest shows no sign of caring my dad is gone, so he is young enough that I could leave and it would not impact him. My oldest is 10, but he doesn't like me anyways. He blames me for not having his absentee parent in his life, because I chose to keep him away from that abuse. He yells at me, ignores me, treats me like garbage, too. So what's the point of living? What purpose do I serve?

    I'm getting a Masters in Psychology. Good luck! Suicidal and getting a Psychology degree? Pretty pathetic and sad. I'm overweight, broken to pieces, ugly, stupid, and just a worthless piece of garbage. I'm so sick of living. I'm so sick of waking up every morning and facing myself. I just want to walk away from life, erase myself from existence.

    Nobody would miss me. Nobody would care. Nobody even bothers with me. I haven't had a "friend" hang out with me in 3 years. It's been longer than that since anybody called or texted me, unless you count friends that are nowhere near my location. So really, who would care? Not a soul. I could fall so deep in this ocean of death that I would just be but one fish with many. The thought of peace this would bring me makes it so hard not to do this. I know I shouldn't, but there's nothing stopping me, either.
  2. damselfly

    damselfly Member

    Interesting. If I had the privilege of getting a master's in anything at all, I'd make sure to stick with it to postdoc and make a hell out of my research. Won't it be possible to research on your condition for your thesis? I mean, see if you can find a solution to your circumstance, or probably help others with similar depression? I majored in psychology for a year but quit cause I couldn't handle all the field researches. My professor once said anyone studying psychology is either problematic or knows someone who is. I guess she has a point.

    I'm obese, jobless, never had any relationship, won't dream about getting a master's (four scholarships rejected), my friends all ignore me cause they think I'm too depressing, my brother physically abused me for years, parents never care. At least you have education and most importantly, a man you love and loves you back.
  3. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    Your mother is a terrible woman, and you shouldn't grant her the privilege of ruining your life. At the very least, she's terminal, so you won't have to put up with her much longer, hopefully. Honestly, I think you should just ignore her almost completely, only seeing her when she absolutely requires it, so you aren't held accountable by law for neglecting her (I'm not too sure about the laws though).

    To tell yourself that your death will bring others happiness, there is no greater lie you can tell to yourself. Even people who you think hate you will feel pain. Your youngest son, he'll grow up without a mother, which he does not deserve, and could cause him immense pain later in his life. Your oldest son is only ten! he's still developing, and there is still a lot of room for improvement. I was a terrible kid when I was ten, my morals were screwed up and I threw temper tantrums all day and I was violent. If you leave this world now, then you're pretty much dooming him to grow up in a bad way. I believe that when someone is going to have children, they should be obligated to raise and nurture them to adulthood. Do not leave them unfairly. Your ex husband? I'm not too sure what he is to you, but he'll definitely hurt too. Your oldest son might also blame himself in the future for driving you to suicide.

    I'm sorry if what I just said was upsetting, but I really don't want your children to have to go through that. Don't blame yourself for considering suicide, it is very easy to turn to those thoughts when the going gets rough- and it's hard to consider the consequences properly when you're in that mindset.

    There's really nothing weird, let alone pathetic, about being in psychology but still being suicidal. Just because you know a lot about how the mind works, doesn't mean that you can control your own mind with ease. Emotions aren't something you can simply grab by the reigns and steer around. I've been suicidal many a time, yet I've also been told I have a rather good grasp on psychology. My friends tend to look to me for psychiatric advice too.

    Your weight can be reduced, your emotional state can be healed, ugliness doesn't matter much as long as you present yourself well, you're certainly not stupid as you almost have a masters of all things, and you're not worthless- nobody is worthless; I bet you are overlooking everything you've done that you are proud of, and all of your good points.

    Have you been contacting these people you used to be friends with? often times, in a friendship, if only one person is doing the messaging, they'll feel like you're losing interest in them and just leave you alone. With friends, distance doesn't mean everything- All my best friends are people that I only know online, mostly everyone I've made "friends" with in real life tend to leave me. News of your death could impact your distant friends more than you'd think.

    Live for your children, and live for yourself too. Live for everyone that would be hurt if you died. You may be a bit on the older side, but you can still find a hobby or something else that can give you joy in life, just keep looking. The future could potentially have a lot of joy in store for you, but if you died now, then you might never get to experience it. What if, say, there are two alternate timelines of this universe; One where you commit suicide, and one where you don't. In the timeline where you don't commit suicide, if you did end up finding more happiness in your life, you would probably think to yourself; "I can't believe that I almost killed myself back then. I never would've been able to experience this..". It is truly terrifying, to experience something happy and think about all the consequences of if you had gone through with suicide.

    Anyways, I'm sorry that you're going through something like this, and I hope you can find your joy one day. May fortune be on your side.
  4. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    After reading your post I was determined to reply, but after going through GreySilence's post above, there's nothing left to say. So you should read it again. And don't lose hope!
  5. lostsoul1985

    lostsoul1985 New Member

    "I'm obese, jobless, never had any relationship, won't dream about getting a master's (four scholarships rejected), my friends all ignore me cause they think I'm too depressing, my brother physically abused me for years, parents never care. At least you have education and most importantly, a man you love and loves you back."

    This doesn't help at all... Lives of others should not be compared. My degrees have me $130,000 in debt because I have no scholarships, my friends ignore me by choice, not because I do not try to contact them, I was also physically abused as a child as well as in my adulthood, I have another half, but who says he loves me back? Who says he isn't abusive himself? I can love people, but that doesn't mean they love me back. As for parents not caring, if mine had really cared my dad wouldn't have died from an alcohol-induced heart attack and my mother wouldn't have done what she did in the first place... I'm sorry for what you went through, but the comparison to show, "My life is worse so be grateful" doesn't work in any situation....
  6. ImmortalArmyOfOne

    ImmortalArmyOfOne New Member

    So, your problem clearly is a complex one but just to start, the next morning when you wake up (or whenever you please) and look at yourself in the mirror take 5 minutes and just stare at yourself. The only thing I want you to do differently is to do nothing. If your brain starts saying things like "I'm so ugly" or "I should just end my life." That's fine. But you must understand that there is a crucial difference between thinking the thoughts yourself and your "brain" thinking them. let the thoughts come, but do not think ANY on your own, for just like 5 minutes.

    Let me know how it goes I'm willing to work with you.
  7. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    You're right, such comparisons are never helpful.

    It's awful that you've gone through that and are still suffering. I know it's not the same as a real world relationship, but maybe you can find someone here who will love you back.
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