Just don't care

[Undone]

I'm not suicidal at the moment, I was seriously contemplating it a few weeks ago, but I think my antidepressants have knocked back the feelings a bit.... just like they have with all feelings. I feel nothing most of the time, I'm sad, but that's it, nothing more, nothing less. I would almost go back to being depressed & suicidal again if it meant I could at least have a range of human emotions.

Although I'm not suicidal right now, I'm not exactly "pro-my-life". I've been drinking, alot... I can feel more when I drink.. I laugh, I cry, and it rids me of anxiety. Haven't turned to drugs yet, there's a person in my life that I'm staying away from them for.

But I'm doing, or not doing other things. Sometimes I drive without a seat belt, something I never did in the past. I know driving w/o a seat belt isn't the most self destructive thing I can do, but it's not the action, it's the thought behind the action, the lack of concern for my life that's the problem.

Suicidal or not, I still don't want to be in this world. I just don't have the balls or the right feelings to take myself out of it. I have the urge to put myself into situations that may do the deed for me. Of all the feelings I don't feel, fear is one of them, so I have no problem walking in a bad neighborhood alone at night.

Can anyone make sense of this? Talk sense into me?

 

[Kieran]

do them antidepressants work then? im ment to be on them but cant see the point.

i know what you mean about drinking though... sorts my head out good and proper, but like you i stay away from drugs. i've sometimes rode my motorcycle in the past with the intention of crashing (i din't but the intention was there).

it takes more balls to stay in this shithole of a world (trust me :wink. nobody feels fear when wound up enough, trust me im from burnley (very dangerous place).

 

[Emptysoul]

Ive been given anti-depressants in the past and cant take them anymore as the just make me want to throw up and genrally make me feel worse.
Drinking helps me too unless im feeling bad then i normally do somethng stupid lol

I think we all go through phases, from feeling prity much normal to feeling down and depressed and suicidle and back round again. But however suicidle you/ I might feel you/I dont go through with it cause theres something holding us back from taking that action. I recon whatever holds us back has to be something good and to hold on to because it keeps us from going through with it (well thats my opinion anyway).

 

[gentlelady]

I am glad the meds may be kicking in for you. Give them more time to be effective. They are not the cure all but they can help get you to the place where things seem more manageable. Make sure you communicate with your doctor on how the meds make you feel. they may need to make adjustments or try something different. I know what it is like to realize you are taking risks you wouldn't have before. It is kind of like making it okay. I don't really have any answers for you. Know that there are people that want to see you remain safe. :hug:

 

[Xian]

it sounds like you want to *feel* again so you do reckless things in the hope that you'll get some sort of passion out of them. this is the subconscious logic behind most alcoholics and heavy drinkers. i've tried to stay away from recklessness because i realized long ago the importance of believing that there is real feeling out there whether you have it or not; people love and feel loved and experience incredible passion. i'm not just throwing these words out there...

 

[MaNg0s]

Meds dont work. I have been taking medication for 4 years and they have done nothing but made me feel suicidal.

 

[gentlelady]

Meds may not work for you, but they might for someone else., so their effect cannot be discounted. Each individual is different and their reactions to things are unique. Options to suicide should be explored before being discounted.

 

[middleofnowhere]

Meds can be tricky things. My doctor has been tweeking with mine for two years now. Some have worked, some haven't. Some have worked for a while and had to be changed or have dosages adjusted. Antidepressants shouldn't leave you emotionless. Sounds as though something is wrong and needs to be corrected. I hope you can hang in there to get things worked out.

 

[dazzle11215]

i'm also on anti depressants. at first i felt worse, more suicidal. but they fiddled with the dosage and now they seem to have kicked in. i look at them as just one tool in the toolbox i am using to stay alive. i don't know if it was the meds that helped lift the depression, or counselling, or daylight and exercise, but i am happy to keep taking them until i am completely stabilised.

 

[jane doe]

undone, may be you are feeling emptyness, as you used to before feeling suicidal, or at least that`s what i think. if you feel less suicidal then you are better, havent you tought may be the one thing that filled your life was (may be) the feeling of being suicidal? and now its gone u need to make room for another kindof feelings you`re not used to feel?
Stay away of everything that can harm you untill you understand exacly how you feel=) spceially if you have someone there to live for!
take care of yourself and try to tell your doctor about how you feel, he will probably give you a reason of how do youfeel that and why you need to feel danger to actually "feel"something...

 

[Undone]

Hi everyone,

Thanks, I didn't expect to get so many replies. I guess you could say the meds are working, but I'm not sure how much they're actually helping. All the thoughts and feelings are still there, just somewhat suppressed, slightly easier to handle. But I still hate myself, think I'm ugly and worthless, and like I said, don't want to be here. So am I really any better?

Xian, I had previously considered what you had said, & that could be part of it. Before the meds I did experience passion, not just depressed, suicidal passion, but the passion of love for the person I'm with. Now I can't even feel that, I can't feel love... it's horrible.

I decided to take an antidepressant holiday this weekend, I know, not smart, but I just wanted to feel something else, that passion! Well, I did. I ended up drinking a bottle of wine to relieve the anxiety; & i experienced things again... great laughter (for a short time), passionate love...........................

passionate depression, passionate thoughts of suicide...
I ended up with a knife pressed to my wrist at 3 am. I wouldn't do it, I can't go out that way... but there was something there... a longing, a wanting to.
I feel like I'm going down a road I'm not going to come back from... & again

I don't care.

 

[dazzle11215]

like i said, i don't think a/d on their own fix anything, it's more like they keep you afloat so you have some energy to do all the other, hard, stuff in order to get out from depression.

since you are just entering the "on-ramp" to that scary road, let me ask you if you really want to go down there again. the desire to experience that edge is maybe a warning sign that your brain or your heart is sending out... if you were to sit quietly, and ask yourself what your heart is saying it might help. no acting on your feelings, just sort of a scan of your feelings, physically.

 

[fromthatshow]

I would almost go back to being depressed & suicidal again if it meant I could at least have a range of human emotions.

I've been lower than suicidal. There is such a point I think.