just don't know what to do anymore...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by xan, Nov 5, 2006.

  1. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    I still love her so much and now she tells me that she is going out with someone else, i want to fucking yell at her, wish him numerous illnesses hope that he is a bastard to her, hurts her, like i never would have in a million years, i would have died for her... in 10 days it would have been 2 years now i miss her so much and would give anything to see her again but at the same time dread the idea. i hope it does not last too long, if i have to meet him when i go home... well i'm not sure what i might do. she was the only person i've ever cared about really and now i'll never be able to be with her again, hold her again, it kills me inside to think of it. I just don't know what to do, how can i stop feeling for her, how can se be so FUCKING COLD to get over me so quickly why can't i just yell this at her, make her realise how much she fucking hurting me, i've not cut myself in so long but the sight of the blade is becoming so welcoming, it would be so easy and it would make me feel so much better... please i just don't know what to do right now. why is killing him and then myself seeming like such a good idea... i hope he dies before i meet him, if not literally then maybe that he fucks up the relationship entirely... so many bad feelings from the past are bubbling back to the surface and all i see around me is happiness that i will never feel, potential that i will throw away....what should i do?
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Awww hun I so know how u feel. feel like I spend every night running scenarios thru my head. They say time heals the pain, well I'll wait and see but right now I am so with you.

    What to do, well I get drunk and try to sleep as much as possible.
    Also try to do things u like, I sometimes think walking my dogs has saved my life.

    In the meantime here for you whenever u need to let it all out. :hug: :hug: :hug:

    Meanwhile we could always :jason: his arse!!!!
  3. emo-Baum

    emo-Baum Member

    I know how you feel, too...
    I thought about maybe 100 ways to hurt him, his new girlfriend... well, everyone who had something to do with this. (Oh, and because of this I think that drinking isn't a good way to do something to feel better... I always get aggressive when I drink, and ending up in jail because I killed someone (or something like that...) wouldn't make anything better at all..)

    Maybe beating something up can help... I destroyed some things like glasses and stuff, and... it kind of helped me.
    and, like devastated said, doing things you like can't be wrong in a situation like this...
  4. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    Dont be mad at the guy shes dating he could be similar to you. Girlfriends come and go, just like friends and it hurts alot, and theirs nothing we can do about it.
  5. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    But I just want to hurt him so much right now... if i feel this way at christmas when we all go home and i meet him.. i don't know.. it's a long time and if i havn't cooled off by then... i just don't know what i might do, i'd like to cause him such immense pain for daring to lay his hands on her.. it's probably not him i'm angry at, i'm angry that i knew she was going to do this, it's what her sister did to all her boyfriends, she just moves on and gets another one, like buying a new car... but it makes me wonder if she ever really cared about me...
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Can u avoid going home this Christmas?

    Obviously you are still raw where this girl is concerned. I know everytime I have to see my husband it's like someone ripped off the scab that was forming and all the pain starts again. Yesterday I saw his car and that was enough to start me off again..hence the drunk as a skunk last night.

    Of course u want to kill the guy, he's with the person u want to be with..if I saw my husband with someone I think it would kill me, even thinking about it makes my guts fall out.

    Keep posting, keep letting it out at us. I know it helps when I rage against what has happened, and remember you're not alone in this feeling..there's quite a few of us with broken hearts.
  7. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    I have to go home this christmas, i moved to uni this october and have only seen my family once, that'll be the next time i see them. I could not meet up with people, but that'll probably make things worse, she'll get angry at me and i really want to see my friends again. I just so hope it falls apart i do... but i know i shouldn't wish him harm.. although i have been wishing many nasty diseases upon him, what i really want is for him to be wonderful... perfect in every way, for everyone to tell her that, handsome funny, charismatic, caring, but i want her to feel empty for him and realise that she did love me more than she could again and realise how much i would have done for her... but i doubt that will happen... so for now i guess i'll just wish he gets hit by a truck or something... or maybe he cheats on her tomorrow.... i wonder if i could hire a stripper and a private detective...
  8. Is she your first love?
  9. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    She's the only person I've ever really loved, I guess i should just get over it... it just seems impossible...
  10. First loves are the most emotional experience of your life. It's a catalogue of first emotions and because of that it seems so much worse when it ends. But the majority of people never stay with their first loves because it's essentially a learning experience. What you need to do is take everything you've learned from this and hold onto it as the special thing from that relationship. You won't ever get the same feeling of love as from your first but you can get a different one. When did your relationship end?
  11. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    It ended about a month ago now... i wish i could just get over it though, it doesn't seem that easy... i wish she hadn't gone and found someone else, i'm tempted to do the same, i just don't think i'll be able to find anyone, and if i do they won't be anything like her...
  12. A month ago is still pretty fresh. It will take longer than that to get past but you will and you'll look back and cherish what you've learned. You're right. It's not easy. Nothing that means anything is easy. It's also likely that the person she has found now is just a replacement for what she misses from you. The safety and security of having someone. It probably won't last. It's like a rebound thing. I don't advise trying to find anyone else, not at this early stage. You need to focus on yourself. There's also no point in thinking of what if's because that will just cause you more pain. You just need to throw yourself into YOUR life. Do everything you enjoy and like and then do it all again. Surround yourself with friends and family that care. Think about what you've gained and how you've progressed as a person from this relationship. Look at the positives and try not to dwell on the negatives. You won't ever find anyone like your first love again so there's no point in trying. A first love has a special quality that can't be recaptured.
  13. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    Thank you, i guess i should just find things to do and probably get into uni work a bit more... might help in the long run.
  14. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Throw yourself into that uni work Xan.

    Anything that diverts your mind from the pain is a good thing.

    I agree with Beauty here, it is way to early to be thinking of getting involved with anyone. My hubby has been gone for about 5-6 weeks now and there is no way I can even contemplate getting involved with anyone. For one thing it wouldn't be fair on them cos I'm grieving for him.

    Grief needs to be worked thru and then when you're ready u can move on.
    Expect a bundle of angry feelings..part of the grieving process is anger. Apparently once the anger kicks in you're on the road to recovery..can't wait to get really pissed at him.

    Meanwhile when ever you need to vent just pm me. I understand so much what you're going thru and we can vent together.
  15. StPatty

    StPatty Member

    Funny that I read this. I met my first love two years ago. We never went out, just spent a lot of time together for 5 months or so. Reason being even though she knew how much I liked her she wasn't attracted to me, just liked me a lot as a friend, as someone who had so much in common with her. Since it was killing me too much not being with her as much as I wanted to, in the end we ended up just seeing each other in passing.

    It's been almost a year since she finally thought she could answer the question "will she ever feel that way toward me" with a definite no. She thought hard about it I could tell and it took her forever to let me off the hook. I spent the summer overseass without electricity, after three months without the internet I found out she had a boyfriend that was a lot like me (I'd already known him a bit), who I immediately realized was probably different from me in the right ways for her. I hadn't seen her at all since May until today, had only heard from her once. I guess I'm lucky the girl I love is trustworthy enough to always treat me as well as possible. But that also made her really slow to get over. Like I said it's been a year. I saw her today and managed to look happy (I think). For me I was never mad at the guy she's going out with. But inside I became someone who really hurt for a long time, which has kinda metaphorically "scabbed up"-- I feel like a very unemotional person recently. I make sure it's not worth people's while to give me crap, and I lead a simple life so nothing goes emotionally wrong for awhile. It took a long time to get to this point, and I don't know how long it will take to completely heal.

    You'll get past this. Don't hurt that guy, he's probably just like you. You can feel sorry for him if you want, for being her new car.