Just don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alaric, Feb 9, 2012.

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  1. Alaric

    Alaric Member

    Hello,

    I’m suicidal, I have an active plan and the means to carry it out. I really am just tired of life. I’m married and am concerned about the impact my suicide will have on my wife. I am all she has. Her family has basically disowned her because they don’t like me. I guess if I’m out of the picture, she could go back to them. I have paranoid schizopherina and major depression. I’m medicated, but its like the medication isn’t working. I try talking to my wife about my suicidal thoughts, but then she starts talking about putting me in a hospital. I’ve attempted suicide 12 times in my life, been hospitalized 9 times for it. So the hospital doesn’t really scare me. Part of me thinks I belong in a hospital at least for a little while. But then my wife says to me, “you don’t want to go in the hospital”. I am so confused. What I really want is to die, but I’m worried about those I would leave behind. Worried what it would do to my wife if I committed suicide. I’m 47 years old. My wife is 28, she has a full life ahead of her yet. I’m tired. Really tired of living. Not getting ahead in life, barely keeping my head above water. I just want to die. I’ve told my therapist about my intentions and he even agrees that going in the hospital wouldn’t be a bad thing for me at this point, but I resisted him. Telling him, “I’m not going to kill myself today”. But I want to. I really want to. I only wish my wife would understand how much pain I’m in right now. Realize what I’m going through. Realize that everything is not about her, and not try to rationalize things in how it affects her. I just want to die, and don’t want to think about it any more. I just want her to understand that I’m in emotional pain right now. I just want to die and not leave any lose ends. Does any of this make sense to anyone? Does anyone understand what I’m going through right now?
     
  2. BigTomTooToo

    BigTomTooToo Well-Known Member

    I do except I don't have any advice for you. The hospital will help it's just up to you when want to go. You know what they have to offer you it's just how you deal with your situation. I don't mean to state the obvious but there's only so much help we can get, I have depression, I just have to deal with what I'm givin. I've gotten a lot of advice but it's all the same it seems. It's just your mindset.
     
  3. Clare7dd

    Clare7dd New Member

    I understand when you say you are tired. People think suicidality is some huge crisis, but for me the attempts come when I don't have the strength not to try and die anymore
     
  4. dakotavike

    dakotavike Member

    I've been where you have been and I have seen first hand the effects of suicide on those left behind. I have to fight off my deamons everyday. I am currently not on medication but do go to counseling. But, take a moment and listen to what you are saying. You are worried about what effect this will have on the ones left behind. You do care, it might be hard to see right now, but your concern shows me that there is hope. Go get help. Seek out a friend, or your minister. But, you can make it through, I did, and so can you. You are not alone in your fight. I try to help in the name of Kevin, so that his loss may help others likw you. Hang on man, there is light at the end of the tunnel
     
  5. Alaric

    Alaric Member

    I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can't. I just want to die and have it all be over.
     
  6. Alaric

    Alaric Member

    I am also a cutter. Yeah, a 47 year old guy who cuts himself. I was cutting myself earlier, and put the blade to my neck, I wanted to do it so bad. I don't know why I cut, I guess its a distraction of physical pain from the emotional pain. I'm such a fuckup. I wish I had never been born, never brought into this miserable existence. My plan for the end does not involve cutting myself, its something else. I won't go into details as its against the rules of this site, just say that its supposed to be the most pain free way to go. You just go to sleep and not wake up. God, I how I would love to just go to sleep and never wake up. No more problems of life. No more hassels. No more living a meaningless existence. God, How I wish I was just dead already.
     
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Alaric. I'm sad that you're having a really tough time.

    I know what it means to struggle just to get by and to feel that things are mounting up and not getting better. When we are depressed, those things can feel overwhelming. If we get ourselves stabilized, the struggles become much more manageable. I read through your thread and I wonder if going into hospital would be so bad? They'd probably adjust your meds so that you would be stable when you are discharged. And I'd think it's much better to go into the hospital for help, and not for an attempt.

    Keep sharing with us. I hope you feel better soon.
     
  8. Alaric

    Alaric Member

    Only thing about going into the hospital is I don't know how long I'd be in there, and I have a job. I'm not sure if my employer would hold my job open for very long. When I was hospitalized in the past, I was usually out in like a week, but that was in another state. I'm not sure if the state where I live would be the same or not. Not to mention its a fair distance from where I live, about 100 miles. Getting home might be difficult, I don't know. I don't drive and neither does my wife. We don't even own a car. I'm not sure if she could get anyone to come and get me. All these things go through my mind when I think about going into the hospital. I am obsessed with the details. All these things, plus the voices telling me just to kill myself and get it over with, its very hard to get through the day. I can't concentrate at work, its affecting my work a little. Not that I have a high pressure or hard job. I work at a subway sub shop, but it does take some speed. Its hard to concentrate and I can't go as fast as I used to be able to. Its all these little things that keep me from going into the hospital, all the details. I just can't take it anymore.
     
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Alaric, I can see why you're worrying. However, there are usually ways to resolve these kinds of things. Have you talked to your therapist about all these issues? Perhaps he/she can help you find out approximately how long the hospital stay would be and help you arrange for transportation. Your therapist might also be able to help you in what to say to your employer. Perhaps you could even leave a message for your therapist about these things so he/she can start looking into options for you right away. Keep us posted and stay safe in the meantime.
     
  10. Alaric

    Alaric Member

    I see my therapist again next week, I'll discuss it with him. I found the chat function on here and have found it to be very beneficial, not that its a replacement for serious help, but it is helping.
     
  11. Alaric

    Alaric Member

    I'm not in a good place tonight. I really feel like cutting. I've been hanging out in chat trying to be supportive of the problems others are having. But I just can't do it anymore. I want to cut, I NEED to cut. I'm so depressed, don't want to go to bed, knowing tomorrow is just another day I have to go through. Maybe I'll get the courage to cut my throat, I don't know. I just need a distraction from the depression. I'm sorry if this post triggers some people, again, I just don't know what to do. I'm always in this state it seems.
     
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