just don't know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Mar 24, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I don't know how to be me.

    Who am I anyhow, who is "me"?

    Is it the person I show to others or the person I think I am?

    What difference does it make? Probably none.

    And anyhow - whats the point - who cares? Seriously?

    I want to scream and scream and scream, I have been internally but as always my external is so well composed those screams can only be heard by me.

    Perhaps at some point someone will hear them.

    I need out. :sad:
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    The most important person cares .... you. Or you woouldnt be bothered by this or questioning yourself.

    I think we all have to be many people to be who we are. The person that puts on the smile and I'm ok face to make it easier for those around us. The person that falls apart when we find ourself alone and not needing to pretend anymore. The person that hurts more than it seems anyone else can understand or does. The person that doesnt know who they are anymore.

    But you are a person that is cared about when you are here hun. Here dont have to be anyone you dont want to be. You can be the person that you dont let others in RL see. And people here understand you and your pain. So keep posting hun. Let us help you figure out who you really are :arms:
     
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    thank you itmahanh so much for responding. i feel so alone right now.

    am in tears, but have to keep hiding them.

    i dont think anyone would want to see "me". Yes, I care, you are right - but I'm tired of caring, of thinking, of wondering, of trying to figure out, of keeping everyone else happy.
     
  4. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Discovering who you are and who you want to be takes effort. What type of person do you want to be. I know most people want to be decent with morals and goals. I personally want to be everything that I am capable of being and it takes a lot of honesty and self- discovering in that to be able to figure it out. I do know I did not like who I once was. I used to be mean, angry and hateful to everyone and even to myself. I was confused, hurt, and tired of not knowing anything. But that changed when I chose to do something about it, and I sought answers and I found them. It is important who you are and who you are going to be. Your existance is going to make an impact in someone's life and you get to choose how. It begins with admiting that no matter what we do not have full control over every aspect of this life. But we can control some things and those things should be what people do focus on. You can control whether you can forgive, love, teach, learn, and trust. You can control changing who you are to who you want to be and you can control your efforts to finding out who that is. Things we cannot control we might as well let them go, and make efforts to learn how to control what we can. Blessings..
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I think I've seen a little bit of the real you in your posts. And I'm not afraid of that person. I want to help you anyway I can. Why do you need to hide the tears hun? Maybe letting someone else see them will get you some RL support. But for now, you're not alone. Keep posting hun.
     
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Daphna

    I'm really trying.. doing all the right things.. honest, I'm trying.

    We do have control of us, but not control of things that happen to us and those around us which impact our lives.

    itmahanh

    thank you for not being afraid, but if I were to post "me" you're feelings may change, be altered.

    I cannot let the tears be seen as I have to be strong for this person.. There is no one else I trust in RL with sharing whats going on with me, even this person doesn't really know. I cannot burden them.

    and I try to be strong, and I have been, but for right now I surrender - I can't be any longer.
     
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    surrending is okay hun. as long as you dont completely give in or up. sometimes we need to let our guard down so that we can get the help that we are so desperatley needing and hoping for. our depression is a very strong demon. it needs you weak and alone to keep growing. i know you have tried so hard for so long. but you need to keep holding on hun. and i think that if you told this person about how you are feeling, you'd find out you arent being a burden at all.

    hun you could never scare me off. promise. i've lived too many years for anything to shock me. and I dont make friends with people to desert them when they are down and need someone there. i'm listening if you want to talk :arms:
     
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    itmahanh

    thank you for listening..

    I need the company yet want to be alone too, conflicting thoughts always seem to abound.

    I am sorry but I cannot tell this person. I tried a while ago, but they have their own burdens currently and it is not fair of me to add to that.

    I need a bottle of alcohol, I want and desire to be numb, to forget all. I'm trying to resist right now, I know it won't be good to start that.
     
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    well i'm here for a while yet. so keep talking with me. i'm more than willing to be a distraction for now if it helps. keep those fingers busy on the keyboard so it helps to keep yur mind away from where it wants to go.
     
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Please use your time more wisely, but thank you.
     
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I went to take my meds, realized I have a full prescription of one of them.

    I'm scared at the thoughts that I'm having.
     
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I am, I'm trying to help someone that needs to see that they are worth more than they see right now. that's you. you arent being a burden. and i offered hun. i wouldnt of if i didnt mean it. and you letting me help you, helps me in a way too.
     
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    itmahanh

    i am sorry, thank you.
     
  14. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    YOU ARE a worthwhile human being, sweetie. You ARE worth being cared for, and right now you need some gentle and real care. Itmahanh truly does care and she is here to listen and be there for you.

    If your are looking at a full bottle of meds, can you take only your prescribed dose, and for tonight put them somewhere far out of your reach? Far from the pc, far from whatever room you are going to be in. Somewhere inconvenient.

    You seem to be feeling so sad. Let folks here care for you for a while...you deserve gentle, compassionate care. Honestly. Let's keep you safe tonight, okay?

    **gentle hug**
     
  15. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    you have nothing to be sorry for. hun you're down and out right now. i know that. i just wish you could see how much worth you do have. i dont want you to feel alone with the thoughts in your head. they are just that thoughts. but i know how it feels to be too tired and sad to try and fight them. like i said you need a break. a chance to rest and get you back. the you that deserve support and care when you need it. :arms:
     
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I don't know what to say, I'm scared.

    I don't know what to do anymore.
     
  17. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I understand not knowing what to say or what to do. I understand fear.

    You can say whatever comes to mind...whatever it is that is there needing to be expressed. Talk about the things distressing you. If you need light convo for a while, that is okay too. Maybe talk about the feelings? It's your thread...anything you say is okay. **gentle hug**

    Can you tell us why, in what way you are scared? Where the fear is coming from? Perhaps someone here can help, or maybe it will help to be able to express this fear in words, to people who truly care and potentially may even understand and relate?

    It's okay to talk to us. Sf is a good kind-hearted family of folks here. You no longer have to be alone with anything burdening you. We share shoulders here.

    Perhaps, the thing to "do", is share your feelings, thoughts, things in your life that are causing distress. You won't have to be alone. You won't be alone with these things anymore, you have caring family here, who will listen and hold your hand.

    It may be easier to rest, once you get some of this out. You sound tired, maybe getting on the drained side?

    Are you getting enough vitamins? C and B's. Juice?
     
  18. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you for just being there

    I need some air, am having difficulties breathing due to other thread and those thoughts

    I apologize. I cannot share right now.

    I need to go. Thank you again.
     
  19. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    It's okay. Only share what you are comfortable sharing. If you want to p.m. it's okay. I just don't want to see you alone with all this. You don't have to be alone, hun. It's counterproductive and things build up.

    Slow, calm, deep, relaxing breaths. Perhaps some fresh air. Sips of water, a bit of juice or tea.

    No need ever, to apologize.

    Honest, you don't have to be alone. It's not a good thing. People need each other and you seem to be so alone with what you are going through. I just don't want you to feel alone.

    If images/memories are distressing you, trust me, doing those alone is not the safe approach. I wish you had a way to express what is going on inside of you. If it would help you feel safer, knowing someone else has been through something similar, i can briefly share. It took many years to get through my own personal experience, but i did. Suffering alone is not necessary.

    If you do decide to share with someone, whether on the board or via pm, you don't have to speak in a way that makes sense. Most of us will understand. Sometimes just a word or two, a phrase, listing feelings, etc can be helpful.

    Gentle compassionate kindness extended to you.

    **gentle hug** if you would like it.

    You are not alone.

    If at some point, you are not feeling safe, please speak up. Please let someone know, okay?
     
  20. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    This is what I mean -

    LIFE - I want OUT

    I quit

    I can't do it

    Speaking up to who? One person and thats not fair on them.

    i'll be quiet, I am so, so sorry gb. xx
     
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