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just dont know....

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#1
I am really at a crossroads right now. I have been diagnosed with PTSD for a gangrape on me and I am really finding it all difficult. Today I went for a sexual health screening (first of anything like it since I was raped) and it took me an hour of sitting in the car crying before I could drive home and since getting here I just think there is no point - I want everything to end now. I don't have a plan as I've tried to put suicidal thoughts to back of my mind but I hurt my hand last week The only thing stopping me is if it doesn't work I don't want to go to hospital so need t make sure of it :(
 
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Sadeyes

Staff Alumni
#2
What a horrible experience. Of course this examination brought up all of those feelings. I hope you do not blame yourself, and find a way to treat yourself well...also, I hope they are providing you with counseling...that was clearly a trauma..is there a department of victims' services that you can contact for care?
 
#3
thanks for the reply sadeyes - yes I am currently under the community mental health team and on waiting list for therapy but I just don't want it anymore, I dont want to be alive - I can never forget what happened to me and i dont want to be alive with those memories. I hope the medication I have will do the job!!
 

Sadeyes

Staff Alumni
#4
I was raped by my father from the age 3 to 15, and yes, I can never forget what happened, and yes, it affected my life to a degree that cannot be calculated, but I was able to live without it being the meaning of my existence...I hope you find a way to let some goodness in...you deserve it and you should know that you were the victim...I hope you live in a way that affirms that you did nothing to deserve that horrific treatment
 

peacelovingguy

Well-Known Member
#5
Whilst abuse cannot be forgotten - it can be healed by love.

The main thing to take to heart is that abusers twist what should be an act of love into one that is wicked and evil.

But they never took that love which you would give willingly. That cannot be forced or coerced. You are no less a woman because of this experience - though I understand that so soon after the event your self confidence will be at a low ebb. Just don't let these animals EVER make you think that you are worthless and that your life is not precious.

It takes time to ever see a man as someone you'd trust again - but whenever I hear of horrible crimes of sexual abuse and domestic abuse - I got to say there are MANY men who are appalled by the behaviour of other men and who despise rapists and bullies.

I hope you got someone in your life who is understanding.

I'm sorry that you had to experience this horrific thing and sympathise with anyone who has been through any similar experience.

I trust you will find plenty of support here - and many women have been through various hells only to emerge one day scarred perhaps but living a life and able to love again.

Regards

Bet wishes and prayers also.
 
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