I'm a 41 year old male who just can't seem to relate to people other than very superficially or have any kind of sustained relationship. I'm depressed and anxious, have panic attacks and just generally can't seem to function socially like a normal person at all. Starting when I was 4 or 5, I was sexually abused by my father and older brother, who was also abused by my dad. My dad was also severely abusive to my mom, was an alcoholic, and beat my brother and I severely. He would also do other things to torment us, like killing our pets (One time he took a whole litter of kittens, put them in a sack and threw it in the river that ran behind our house. He did this because me and my brother were making too much noise while he was sleeping during the middle of the day. Another time he came home drunk and kicked and stomped another cat to death for no reason.) My mom left him when I was around 11, but the sexual abuse by my brother continued, and I know he did this to other people also. I started drinking when I was 14 and doing other drugs not long after that. I was never really able to realte to people, and it just got worse and worse as I got older. I was mostly a loner and got bullied constantly in elementary and middle school. I also developed a form of Tourette's syndrome, not the swearing, etc. but a lot of facial tics and twitches that made school hard and socializing impossible a lot of times. I had a few friends in High School, but that didn't last. Once into college I just drifted away from people and abused substances more and more. I even cut off all connections to family members except for my mother, who I see about once a month. It just got worse as I got older, more isolation and addiction...alcohol, pain killers, food, pornography. I became severely depressed and suicidal and tried to go to a therapist, who pretty much had me locked up in mental ward right away. It was a horrible place, with staff members who were hostile and threatening, and other patients that were as dangerous to me as I was to myself. I vowed to make sure that if I got out of there to never go for help to a therapist again. Problem is, I still have all the problems. I can hold things together well enough to stay employed, but who knows how long that will last. I barely sleep, and I think of suicide very often. I'm still addicted and binge drink to the point of having blackouts sometimes. I've got chronic pain in my neck and back from injuries. I just can't seem to get over things that have happened and I doubt that will ever change, but I refuse to go back for any kind of "professional" help. All they'll do is put me in the hospital and that's no help. Not religious so no help there either. I joined this site a few days ago but haven't posted anything...I don't think there's any help for me any more, but I just feel so desperate. Thanks for reading this.