Just don't want to live anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sonjapearl, Dec 10, 2012.

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  1. Sonjapearl

    Sonjapearl Member

    I'm thinking about ending my life for the first time in about 6 years. I've been suicidal on and off since I was 16 (I'm 30 now). I spent most of the last five years wanting to fall asleep and never waking up again, which is like a suicide.

    But now I can't take life anymore. I see it as a big joke. Nothing matters and no one matters. Everyone only cares for themselves and they BS you into believing they care. There's so much BS in the world, it makes me sick.

    I really don't see the meaning to life. I have very strong nihilist beliefs and just don't see to point in being alive. Everything is a joke. Everything you say and do is gone the next minute.

    I believe people refuse to admit that life has no meaning because of their egos. They don't want to admit that precious them has no real purpose and nothing really matters. This, or we're so conditioned to believe life is worth it when it truth it isn't.

    I'm having difficulty with my professional life. I can't get the job that I really want and no one wants to help me. People BS you, saying they will help and then they discard you the next minute. I feel so degraded with the job I have now because it is far beneath my skills and it makes me unhappy. I have very little chance of getting the career I want. It makes me feel so angry and I'm convinced that I'm a failure.

    I self-published a novel that no one likes. A few gave it good reviews, but there are some who despise it. I guess because I didn't write a stupid romance novel with a superhuman female character, which is overwhelming the market now.

    I have no reason to live because I've failed at life. My job doesn't pay enough and I'm struggling financially. I've been fighting with my parents for months now (they're my landlords) over my professional life and they just don't realize how hard it is to get a job in this world, nor do they understand that I can't do many of the jobs they suggest I do. They are destroying my morale, and always have. When I was depressed as a teenager, they called me a psycho right to my face.

    If I die, I could care less what becomes of my parents or my sisters. No one gives a damn about each other in this family. I'm convinced the whole idea of family is a joke and it really is a bunch of people who are simply related. Nothing else.

    I'm seeing a therapist and I've been hinting that I feel like my life is over. Part of me is afraid to tell her I want to die because she'll only send me to my psychiatrist who is an idiot. I'm also scared that I'll be placed in a mental hospital and therefore lose my job and be further abused by my family.

    I have no friends and I honestly don't care because no one gives a crap about each other. Its all about them and people are so judgmental. If they notice you're feeling down, they show that they "care" by convincing you that you need them, and then they twist and bully you into being reliant on them. You become a trophy for their ego.

    I just want a quick way out. I'm tired of life and all its BS.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are seeing life through such discolored glasses hun hugs
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way...I think it is a good idea to express this with your therapist...when I feel awful, I know everything is all black or white...I completely lose the grays, the mid-ground...for me, it is too much to deal with to distinguish...please continue to post as I am sure there are many ppl here who can relate
     
  4. Sonjapearl

    Sonjapearl Member

    Maybe I am misreading what you wrote, but I feel it is very judgmental.
     
  5. lordsalisbury

    lordsalisbury Well-Known Member

    I actually agree with this, we're biologically programmed to want to survive, but we don't spend enough time asking why. There's a Jean-Paul Sarte quote (ooooo 'ark at me!) that goes something like "we are all born for no reason, prolong ourselves out of weakness, and die by accident." I guess you have to give life your own meaning.

    And I hear what you're saying about the book world - I'll sometimes read a novel, and I'll think to myself, who ever thought that it was a good idea to publish this rubbish? There must be a 100 unpublished or self-published novels out there that are better.
     
  6. Sonjapearl

    Sonjapearl Member

    Maybe you don't realize but this doesn't make me feel any better.
     
  7. Sonjapearl

    Sonjapearl Member

    I've decided it is time for me to go. Not only is this world a horrible place, life has no meaning and I have nothing to look forward to, I am also totally and hopelessly stupid.

    I am weak beyond belief. I am disgustingly immature for my age. I have no backbone and I have no thick skin. I also completely lack common sense, which puts me in the borderline retarded category. When you are stupid, you have no reason to be alive and no one wants you around. So it is best to go.

    I'd like to go now, but I'm afraid that if I fail I'll be berated for ruining Christmas by my emotionally abusive family. So I'll wait until New Year's. Till then, I'll research carefully how to end my life without screwing up because then I'll be left with my parents as my guardians - which is a fate worse than death.
     
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