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Just, everything.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Dec 15, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    Right now I'm sitting in the dark, in my bed. After I've finished this thread I'll be cuddling up into my bed and just lying there for a few hours.
    I'm just depressed right now, it's like being in this weird limbo. I can't end my life and I'm struggling to just spend every day living.
    One of the worst things lately is the fact I'm so young. I'm not taken seriously often and those that try to take me seriously don't believe I'm feeling what I'm feeling. On another site I wanted a bit of help with an anxiety issue I have that was making me really sad, and 1 comment kinda ridiculed me a bit, I'm sure if I was an older person that wouldn't have happened.
    But because I'm young, I don't have the responsibilties of an adult I'm looked at at being spoilt, or "When you're older you're in for a shock if you think this is hard" and perhaps they're right, but it doesn't do a blind bit of difference when I feel like this.

    I had a dream last night my father was alive, he wasn't murdered and rotting in the ground like he is now, something weird had happened and he was alive it was just a mistake, he was sitting beside me and I was holding him. I woke up in my bed, in sunlight and on my own. I've had a few dreams like this before, sometimes they buried the wrong person or sometimes he faked his own death.
    That hurts, a lot. He was the only person who treated me well, really liked me, my mother never seemed to like me.

    I am alone, I'm crying a lot, I'm self harming, I'm overdosing just to numb everything around me. It doesn't help I suffer(ed) with agoraphobia, I'm not scared of open spaces but my fear of people is so extreme I rarely go out. If it wasn't for school I'd probably go out a couple times every month. I get along with some children in class, I tell them jokes and it's fine. I guess I'm lucky that I take after my parents and I'm quite charismatic, but that's only when I feel safe, I rarely ever feel safe. I have nobody but my uncle in real life to talk to, and these last couple months it's been getting to the point I just can't talk to him about anything, he used to be this person who I looked up to. He was my saviour in a way, he took me in after my mother threw me out, fed me and looked after me, was there for me, bought me my stuff and gave me advice, talked to me for an hour everyday on the phone for a year. Now, living with him I'm beginning to see stuff I didn't see before. I knew he had depression but I didn't realize how severe, not to mention quite severe health problems. My presence seems to annoy him, he treats me fair but I can tell that he finds my presence difficult, he is a complete loner after all.
    So now I spend most of my time on my own, I think he prefers that to some degree.

    I have to visit some of my relatives tomorrow, my grandparents from my mothers side. They don't know much about me and they don't want to know. They see me as their grandchild and that is all, they don't see the issues I have. It doesn't help that my mother tells them about my behaviour and now they consider me very disrespectful because I vandalized my bedroom at my mothers house. Maybe if they knew how she treated me all those years ago and how she lashed out at me, calling me names and making fun of me for self harming, telling me to self harm on my legs so her friends didn't judged me, perhaps they'd understand why getting all that stuff said to me over made me snap.
    I hate them, I hate them because they don't understand and aren't interested in trying to understand. I hate everyone sometimes.

    I'm actually thinking that I'm going to just stop bothering. I'm going to self harm wherever I want on my body and screw the consquences, I'm going to stop hiding my arms all the time and I'm going to let people see how I really feel, because I'm sick of trying to hide it all in case I offend somebody. I truly am sick of sitting in front of my teacher swallowing pill after pill and her ignoring me or just watching me do it, or looking at my hands all bloody and not saying a damn thing. Perhaps I am seeking attention in some way, sometimes I just think "I don't care anymore"

    I am in pain and I am sick of living in pain every god damn day. I just want everything to end and all I'm getting is ignored and told repeatedly that when I'm an adult I can't behave this way, I can't give in, I can't let it consume me, I have to keep getting up after getting knocked down and trying over and over again. The mantra is in my head and it's not helping me at all, it's makiing me feel worthless and pathetic because I just don't have the energy anymore.
    I've been on this site for over a year now, I've been opening threads for over a year and I've looked at some of my earlier ones, my first thread was in the summer of 2012, I'm still feeling the exact same. No other site shows the amount of threads so it's quite sad reading that a year ago I was still sitting in whatever house I was back then, crying and feeling this way. Just makes me realize that I've been feeling this way since I was 10 years old, it's been 5 years and I'm still like this, that may not seem too long but when you're a teenager it feels like a lot. 5 years of overdosing, cutting, crying and trying to get help off people. I'm looking at my wrist as I type and I can see that my left wrist has been cut over and over so many times, over and over scars it's just a whole pink square that runs half way up my arm with silver lines, like crisscrosses. My shoulder has scars that are over 2 years old and they still look as visible as they did after they healed. It's just a reminder of how many times I felt this low.

    This is a long thread, I don't expect many people to open this and even less to read it to this point. I feel like I need advice but I'm just not sure how to ask for advice, I can't see anyone being able to change the way things are, maybe just writing it down and having someone read it and understand will help a little, I just don't know what to do anymore.
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I'm here and read your post. Just want you to know that there are caring and concerned people here that you will be able to vent and perhaps get some advice on how to cope. I hope you will stop the self harm. It's just a temporary relief of pain but it will always come back and won't resolve the root of your problems. Also, self-medicating numbs you from feeling "good" feelings too. Please don't harm yourself like you are. You don't need to suffer like this. You deserve a good life just like all of us are trying to do, but it will take lots of effort. Find your support here for I think others will soon post to you too. Just letting you know I hear you and wish the best for you. Take care!
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