Just exhausted and need to vent

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Exhausted, Oct 14, 2011.

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  1. Exhausted

    Exhausted New Member

    Just exhausted and need to vent. Been depressed my whole life, since I can remember anyway. Been suicidal at times; having almost daily fantasies for the past two years. But I "tried" a couple of times and realize I don't have it in me. Don't want to hurt my family and too scared of death.
    Everything's a wreck and won't seem to let up. It's almost exciting to wake up and see what will go wrong today. My mother is sick and dying of cancer, and it appears it won't be long; almost everyone I know despises me, and I most won't talk to me; estranged from my Dad, just happened a couple of weeks ago; broke and drowining in debt; keep screwing up at work; multiple health problems I can't afford to even find out what's going on; relationship of 13 years just about to end - the other night she broke one of my ribs and dislocated my jaw; I'm just generally fucking everything up.
    Finally, I'm faced with a choice of whether to continue in my career or go be with my mom as she dies. Would be a no-brainer if I didn't have my kid to support, but I'm terrified to move her with no job with the market the way it is.
    Anyway, I know many of ya'll have it worse. Just no one to talk to and I needed to throw it out there and get it off my chest. Been doing some cutting, which helps, but it leaves scars now as I've gotten older, so I have to be judicious in using it. Alcohol and smoking used to help, but it doesn't really faze it anymore. The depression is so heavy and crushing I can't think clearly - just a physically numb/buzzing feeling. the suicidal fantasies also used to help, but I think they led to my "attempts" so its scary to me that they are so persistent today.
    Just wish it would all stop...I'm so very very tired.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    sorry to hear that all of this is going on. yeah, it's alot to deal with, too much

    there may be some answers out there for you though. some of the problems might be fixed or managed

    if people hate you or abuse you, I don't think it's necessarily your fault. In my opinion, people are hated and abused not primarily because they have done something wrong, but rather because they are vulnerable and make easy targets. it could also be that people don't hate you as much as you think

    I'm sorry that your mom has cancer. It sounds like you've got your hands full just taking care of yourself and your daughter though. hopefully there is a way to show her that you care without taking on more that you can handle. calling, writing, visiting may be enough. it doesn't sound like you could necessarily handle the burden of caring for her full time. there would be no point to pushing yourself till you break.

    maybe this sounds blunt, but if your mom is dying, your caring for her isn't going to keep her from dying. your responsibility is primarily to the living, yourself and your daughter.

    I don't know what country you are in, but you may be eligible for government sponsored health care (medicaid in the us) and for other programs, especially if you are caring for a child. you may be eligible to get assistance with food and housing.

    you may be able to declare bankruptcy and get free debt counciling

    what happened with your dad? hopefully you can patch things up

    the relationship ending might be a good thing, especially if you are getting abused

    here is a link to a domestic violence agency

    please keep talking to us. hopefully we can help you get through this

  3. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    I see why you're exhausted.

    With people hating/abusing you--when it's been happening so long, it's like you get used to it. Maybe even come to expect it. Or even think you deserve it. And when you reach that, toxic people who are abusers or manipulative or just bad seem able to sort of see it, see that they can hurt you and abuse you and you won't do anything. That's not really anything on your part that's bad, that's them acting like abusive douches.

    I'm glad your relationship is ending if she did that to you. There is no excuse for that sort of behavior. That's domestic abuse.

    I'm sorry your mom has cancer.

    It sucks when everything just piles up and continues to pile up and you just become sort of...inured to it all. But you aren't the only one, either. :3
  4. BigBInAustin

    BigBInAustin New Member

    Wow 'Exhausted',
    That's really hard. I am so sorry to hear about that. If only I knew what to tell you. But I would like to hear more about how you managed to cope with this. If you think it will help you more, Feel free to email me at rakibhassan1980@gmail.com
  5. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member


    I'm sorry life is so overwhelming now, and the the people who should be gathering nearest are now pushing away. I wish I had a solution, showing up here is a start.
    I wish you peace.
  6. twistedwhispers

    twistedwhispers Member & Antiquities Friend

    I am so sorry for all you are going through.

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