Just exhausted and need to vent. Been depressed my whole life, since I can remember anyway. Been suicidal at times; having almost daily fantasies for the past two years. But I "tried" a couple of times and realize I don't have it in me. Don't want to hurt my family and too scared of death. Everything's a wreck and won't seem to let up. It's almost exciting to wake up and see what will go wrong today. My mother is sick and dying of cancer, and it appears it won't be long; almost everyone I know despises me, and I most won't talk to me; estranged from my Dad, just happened a couple of weeks ago; broke and drowining in debt; keep screwing up at work; multiple health problems I can't afford to even find out what's going on; relationship of 13 years just about to end - the other night she broke one of my ribs and dislocated my jaw; I'm just generally fucking everything up. Finally, I'm faced with a choice of whether to continue in my career or go be with my mom as she dies. Would be a no-brainer if I didn't have my kid to support, but I'm terrified to move her with no job with the market the way it is. Anyway, I know many of ya'll have it worse. Just no one to talk to and I needed to throw it out there and get it off my chest. Been doing some cutting, which helps, but it leaves scars now as I've gotten older, so I have to be judicious in using it. Alcohol and smoking used to help, but it doesn't really faze it anymore. The depression is so heavy and crushing I can't think clearly - just a physically numb/buzzing feeling. the suicidal fantasies also used to help, but I think they led to my "attempts" so its scary to me that they are so persistent today. Just wish it would all stop...I'm so very very tired.