Just Explaining To Myself

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Linny, Jan 7, 2015.

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  1. Linny

    Linny Active Member

    Nobody really understands what happened to me when I tell them "I can't smoke cigarettes anymore". Only my co worker and that's because he's the one that had to come stop me and help me clean up. I guess people forget about it and push it out of their minds whenever it hurts them to remember. I jokingly blame my Nerds (or Bilbo, whichever one, same person) -code names for the win of course!- but it really is his fault. I had a break down and....blew up because of it.

    He got upset with me and I had to leave and he looked at me and said "I can feel a break down coming on and this time it's going to be the worst one yet." I understand he was hurt about a bunch of things but I felt like he was blaming me. That I had pulled the last straw. I won't get into that right now because that's not the story.

    I went home and I couldn't sleep and the next day I was fully reeling from it. I was so pissed and confused I pulled out every lethal pill we had in the house and laid them out. When I freak out, I count things. I haven't done that in years. But I counted out all of the pills and then found all of my sharp things like knives and scissors and lighters and counted and then went out and chain smoked. For a person who only smokes socially, six cigarettes in a row, quite quickly, isn't a good idea. At all. And I called everyone I could think of just to try to get someone to my rescue, to come slap me from it. That was the day I started talking to my Ex again, just because I needed someone who understood the images flashing in front of my eyes.I just kept smoking, kept dragging, kept filling my lungs until I was sick. I went into the bathroom, filled the tub with steaming hot water so I could clear my head and finally got my co worker who's a friend to come over. He was freaked out when he found me, he thought I was passed out. It made it worse when he had to help me clean up the pills. I told him I hadn't taken any. He was angry at first, thinking I'd done it because someone had hurt me. But it was because I hurt the one person i hate hurting but will forever hurt just because I can't let him leave.

    So now I'm into Black and Milds and I only take out the cigarettes when I'm mad at myself or something and want to be sick because I've got a headache. I know that's not logical but...I don't know. I just had to put the story down so at least I could explain why I say "It's Nerds fault I can't smoke cigarettes anymore." Only my co worker and Marey know why and Marey looks like he'll cry every time I say it because he was the one who stayed on the phone with me but didn't have a vehicle to come see me. He would've walked to my house if I hadn't told him I'd stop the chain smoking (a lie). I'm just....I don't even really know :yawn:
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Just want to let you know I have read and giving you a :hug: I'm a smoker too, I find it relaxes me but I'd never encourage anyone to do the same, way too many complications with smoking.

    Writing out your thoughts helps a lot, I hope it has helped you here Linny :)
     
  3. Linny

    Linny Active Member

    Oh I certainly wouldn't encourage anyone to do it. My boyfriend knows I do but I don't let him ahve any if I smoke around him and I don't generally smoke around him as a rule unless I'm sharing with someone who already started one.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Oh, I apologize if you picked me up wrong, I wasn't implying you would encourage it, I know you would not :) :hug:

    Smoking is one hell of a habit to quit, I manged to quick for 3 weeks back in 2008, that was the best I could do lol I'd love to quit, I have tried everything. Oh well, I can't win them all!!

    Best of luck to you :)
     
  5. Linny

    Linny Active Member

    I"m weird. I don't have a need for the nicotine so it's not exactly a force habit for me like biting nails. I just like to do it.
     
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