Just feel like ranting. *poss. language/trig*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by LoD, May 19, 2008.

  1. LoD

    LoD Well-Known Member

    I'm not even sure what to rant about, could do it about last carnaval, my drunk escapade... Perhaps about my drug-habits which keep getting worse and worse...

    Perhaps about the good things, never ranted about those before... Or all three, while I'm at it.

    These rants will be aimed at me, don't take anything personal, bla di bla.

    Carnaval
    First off, I'd like to apologise again towards all parties involved in this story... I'll probably keep apologising for a while, until I don't feel bad about it anymore... And I still feel just as bad as I did the moment I found out that I did it. Now, to continue my rant.

    Damn... Why? Why? Why the fuck? Took you quite a few years of sexual frustration to be such an asshat, huh? And can you even recall what happened all the other times that you were drunk off your face? No, you can't. You pathetic dipshit.

    You could've done things far worse, how could you have lived with yourself? Even this, something relatively small is wrecking you, it leaves you afraid and shattered.

    Can you even look her in the eyes? You couldn't even before this, how are you ever supposed to now? Your natural aptitude to messing things up is astounding.

    Still each time I think about it, I cringe, I fold in two and feel like I did back then... Feel like crushing my fists on a tree, until the bark is coloured blood-red...

    I'm blocking rays of sun, just before they hit the clouds.


    Drugs
    Well, I'll commend you on fucking up so badly. You've been sitting silently on the sides when they discuss who's the biggest junkie, you know the answer, don't you? They all think it's N., T. or R. ... It's you and you know it. You already realise it's wrong, see all the bad side effects it has on you... You even know how good it feels to be sober for a longer period... Why don't you begin..? WHY THE HELL NOT?! I remember you saying those words, with pride. What is left of that pride?! Nothing! That's what.

    Go ahead, nobody cares anyway, you'll be the only one to feel that pain. Toke it up, enjoy. See how long you can still live with yourself.

    Good things
    Burn all that is good and true. That is all that I have to say about that.

    What have you done to deserve anything good that you've got?

    The good times, you don't even deserve those. It's all your doing, waiting for better things to come. Sure, you go to theraphy now, sure you've been trying to get closer to people...

    But, let's be honest, what have you really done? Well? I'm waiting. Not much, huh? You've just been sailling along as you always do. Simplistic piece of shit. I don't even want to talk to you anymore...

    You can't even actually be there for the people that do need you... Sad...

    LoD.
     
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    LoD :hug:

    You are a wonderful guy and you shouldn't keep apologising for what happened with Carnaval.
    Everyone involved KNOWS you're not like that and they ALL have forgiven you.
    I wish you wouldn't feel this way about it. Please don't feel bad about it anymore. It's in the past. What's happened, happened. No way of turning back time. And like I said, everyone involved KNOWS you're not like that and they all know you feel shit about it. :hug: The only one left to forgive you now, is you. I hope you can, because you are a wonderful person :cheekkiss

    As for the drugs. Well I think it's great that you managed to go for periods without it in the past. Try and lift yourself up by thinking of that. You managed it before. Please try again, I'll be around to help if you want :smile: Just give me a call whenever you feel the urge to light up a J or anything. :hug:

    The good things. Well I'm sure there are good things. What about that time in de Efteling, or all the other things we did together. I'd say those are all good things. And the skating.
    As much as you tell yourself you don't deserve any of those good things.. truth is, you DO deserve it.
    I think you're a wonderful guy and I'm glad to have you in my life.
    I know I'm not always the easiest to be around, but I do care for you deeply. You're one of my best friends, even if we don't see each other too often.

    I love you, Shen. Text me any time.
    :arms:
    And be gentle to yourself. You deserve it. Trust me.