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just feel like screaming.

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i am sorry but why is the world the way it is. lucky for me i do have a small group of friends but the frustration they are causing me is pushing me back towards breaking point. i know i have no reason to complain cos i know they care about me which is good cos i need people to care. sorry i doubt if this is going to make any sense but right now i have one mate which are saying i love you and i miss hanging out but right now i can not deal with all your stuff, ur putting to much stress on me and hes always fighting with his partner. but like hey he and his partner have this open relationship were its ok for them to kiss other people. like that is still cheating. his partner is the person my ex went up and kissed while still with me but he was on drugs so i was expected to say no prob, i did but only cos that same night the chick said to me she wanted a kiss and i was like ok thinking a kiss on the cheek but no it was a proper kiss but not that long so i could not really get up my ex.

then theres my ex who wants nothing to do with me but if i try to od or i go out and get drunk he is more then willing to go and tell my mates, its like i ask him not to but he does it anyway. i keep getting told he still cares but if that was so then why not come and talk to me. when he turns to one of my mates then she and i end up in a fight. and her, dont get me started, it like i keep putting her through all this crap but yet if i dont tell her whats going on im the worse person in the world, when i tell her then im being self centered. im am expected to be there dealing with all her stuff when i can bearly deal with my stuff.

my ex wants me in a psyche ward but the perfessionals are like i dont need to be there. iv managed to take a step forward, iv come to realise that dieing is not the way out and cutting is the last thing, i have not cut since wednesday but now i think why bother trying to sort my life out, i can never do any thing right according to people who apparently cares and its like im not allowed to move on from my mistakes. so what if i did not tell half my mates i was in hospital again, its my problems and dont need them yelling at me for doing it. like i never said anything cos i knew the stress i put them through a week before hand and could not bring myself to do it again but of course my ex was there to open his big mouth.

its like part of me feels that he is doing this to see me break again so that the docs will put me in a psyche ward so that he can then finally feel like he does not have to deal with me and can say how his ex was out in a psyche ward. dont get me wrong i have no probs going in one, i even asked for his help to get into one last week cos i felt like dieing again but did he help no, he choose to ignore my plea for help.

im sorry for blabbing on but if i hear one more person say my ex still cares i think i will scream so loud it breaks windows. sorry for letting this all out.
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