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Just feeling like a failure in life, need hope

#1
Hi. I’m so embarrassed by my problems. For so long I tried to prove everyone wrong about me being destined for failure. Then, I got sick, depression got me, couldn’t handle marriage or people. Now I’m so afraid to talk to anyone. Even Therapists judge you and what can they even do to fix someone. I cannot be helped or fixed. I’m suicidal now more than ever because the things I was promised woukd change have not. Someone went back on a huge thing and now I am stuck. Trying to be a decent person has no reward. People don’t like you if you struggle too, they want nearly perfect people. I have been so sensitive to rejection, but getting to where I don’t care. I haven’t taken my life because then I’d just hurt people more than my stupid life already has. I didn’t ask for this, but I’m blamed for it and have to fix it.....I got pretty far, only to fail....no energy to start over. I’m not old enough to die soon or young enough to start over. Just waiting for it to be over....This is killing me....
 

Bergerac

Lost are only those who abandon themselves
#2
It's funny, because you suggest you're worried how society will view you and will be judgemental, but surely it's that society that has failed you, so far, too. Shouldn't they accept some responsibility and be accountable?
It's the very people, in therapists, who should have studied to take an in-depth understanding and desire to help. Nothing else.
Reads very much like those people early in your life set up a self-fulfilling prophecy, it's unnerved you, and made you more prone to 'tripping up' which I can relate to and am deeply sorry about.
I hope you can somehow strip yourself of their influence and look at yourself in a different light - start acting from a position of belief and not trying to out-perform their view of you, which puts unnecessary pressure on you and leads to difficulty.
A good therapist (if you keep looking, may well be able to undo some of this, what can be, temporary damage) and reconstruct your thought process and life.
It's not too late at all.
 
#3
It's funny, because you suggest you're worried how society will view you and will be judgemental, but surely it's that society that has failed you, so far, too. Shouldn't they accept some responsibility and be accountable?
It's the very people, in therapists, who should have studied to take an in-depth understanding and desire to help. Nothing else.
Reads very much like those people early in your life set up a self-fulfilling prophecy, it's unnerved you, and made you more prone to 'tripping up' which I can relate to and am deeply sorry about.
I hope you can somehow strip yourself of their influence and look at yourself in a different light - start acting from a position of belief and not trying to out-perform their view of you, which puts unnecessary pressure on you and leads to difficulty.
A good therapist (if you keep looking, may well be able to undo some of this, what can be, temporary damage) and reconstruct your thought process and life.
It's not too late at all.
Thank you. You are right that I was set up. I made mistake of thinking I wasn’t worthy and being with someone for over 20 years that....well, I used to feel I could start over. I’ve lost everything to this.....except my physical life. My mind got messed up by it, but I am digging out without support.
 

Bergerac

Lost are only those who abandon themselves
#4
Thank you. You are right that I was set up. I made mistake of thinking I wasn’t worthy and being with someone for over 20 years that....well, I used to feel I could start over. I’ve lost everything to this.....except my physical life. My mind got messed up by it, but I am digging out without support.
My Mum was the same, and the, I suppose 'brainwashing' is now inbuilt and she still rarely understands when the people who started it manipulate her still. She's grown in the sense that those in the wider circles she can be objective with and defend herself again, but that's come with age and being with me, I have made her look at things from a different angle.
I wish the sense of community remained, as an extension of the family, when it isn't effective and functional. Or, isn't there anymore.
Therapists bridge a gap that there shouldn't be and finding a 'good fit' is very hard indeed. They just seldom care enough and don't put themselves out to truly understand and suggest good solutions.
But, in the absence of anyone else, I would try with as many different ones as you can and also build any available base in the community you can. Even online groups or volunteering the community. Give yourself a sense of pride and value and gain appreciation of others. Everything helps. I volunteer with 'listening' to people online and when I help them, it helps me.
Maybe at the end of that, you can find the confidence to get someone who will support you on a deeper level, as a partner and navigate life with you, show you the truth about yourself and provide that genuine stability and love.

I get that it really does, sadly, often take the connection, presence and love of another person, in whatever relationship to you, to truly connect you with yourself, the world and something higher.
 
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#5
Thanks! I feel better after being honest with someone about what is going on with me. I am the type of person who really cares about my relationships and it’s important to not devalue that in myself. I’m just feeling bad right now so everything feels awful. Certain things remind me of my childhood so I can’t expect everyone to understand. It’s pretty personal. Getting a sense of personal efficacy again will help. With the lockdown, all of this was derailed. Being on hold like this makes Mental health and ptsd and anxiety that much worse. My volunteer job has been put on hold. Hoping it’s not the new normal they talk about. I’m having trucker with how it’s all changing and that is a huge problem that society should address....for so many people being made redundant. Non essential has harrowing connotations, imo....
 
#6
My Mum was the same, and the, I suppose 'brainwashing' is now inbuilt and she still rarely understands when the people who started it manipulate her still. She's grown in the sense that those in the wider circles she can be objective with and defend herself again, but that's come with age and being with me, I have made her look at things from a different angle.
I wish the sense of community remained, as an extension of the family, when it isn't effective and functional. Or, isn't there anymore.
Therapists bridge a gap that there shouldn't be and finding a 'good fit' is very hard indeed. They just seldom care enough and don't put themselves out to truly understand and suggest good solutions.
But, in the absence of anyone else, I would try with as many different ones as you can and also build any available base in the community you can. Even online groups or volunteering the community. Give yourself a sense of pride and value and gain appreciation of others. Everything helps. I volunteer with 'listening' to people online and when I help them, it helps me.
Maybe at the end of that, you can find the confidence to get someone who will support you on a deeper level, as a partner and navigate life with you, show you the truth about yourself and provide that genuine stability and love.

I get that it really does, sadly, often take the connection, presence and love of another person, in whatever relationship to you, to truly connect you with yourself, the world and something higher.
Thank you💕
 

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