Just feeling worthless

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by raincloud, Oct 30, 2009.

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  1. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I write a blog about my experiences being poor, which is a large part of my depression. I've been depressed my entire life, but the last several years have been pretty hellish because I lost my support system and my ability to provide for myself.

    So, I write about it. I used to have a blog about it before, but I deleted it when my brother found it. He is one of the main reasons I am poor (long story) and he's an abusive sociopath and he gets great pleasure out of seeing me suffer. Having him find my blog and know how bad I was doing was the worst thing in the world. I didn't have my name on it, but he found it because a friend of mine mentioned me in her blog and I had left a comment somewhere and he was able to tell it was me :oops:

    Anyway, I started another blog and didn't tell any friends, except one trusted friend who understands me. I have linked to it on my profile. Within the past week, I've had two e-mails from strangers offering me money. I can't take anything from anyone, and I realize it's because I don't think I deserve it. If they want to help someone, they should help someone who can be helped. Not me.

    What's funny to me is that there's a lot in my blog that I don't write about. I only casually talk about my health problems, and I don't really talk about my abusive family. It's almost funny to me that people write me and tell me about how "horrifying" my blog stories are, when I don't even talk about the worst stuff. I'm thinking of writing a book. I don't know why I am compelled to write about it, but I am. It's all I can do.

    I have a family friend who has helped me in the past, but I can't go to her because I don't want to take money from anyone. I lived without electricity for a month because I couldn't afford it, and I was too scared to call her. The only reason I have electricity now is because I finished graduate school and she gave me $500 for a graduation present. I had a job at the time, I just didn't make enough money to cover my mountains of bills. I am useless. As hard as I have tried to be a functional, responsible adult, I've failed at every opportunity, and everything I try makes everything worse.

    So now I don't have a job, don't think I'll get one, and I've applied for state welfare. The psychiatrist told me that I'd only get about $325 a month, which is more than I make now. I might not even get it, because it's kind of difficult to convince anyone that I'm too depressed to work when I just finished a master's degree with no support or help from anyone. Something just snapped. I was ready to work and then in a moment I just crumbled under years and years of pressure.

    I want to make money, I just suck at making money. I kind of want to take money from the people who offer it, but I don't know if I could live with myself. I'm not really asking for advice or "permission." I'm not insulted by their offers. There's no amount of money anyone can I can logically expect anyone to give me that will let me keep my home or get the help I need. I am facing homelessness, in fact I don't know why I'm not homeless right now. It's out of my hands. Am I being silly for pushing people away?
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You may want to ask these generous people to make out a money order to the electric company or your landlord. This way you and they know how the money was used and then in the future, when your circumstances change (they will change) you can repay these people by doing this for another person who needs the same kind of help.

    I have been poor all my life too and this is how we do it.

    Apply for all the assistance that you can. Work a part time job when you can.

    Live simply while you heal from all of the pressure and by all means write that book (a little at a time, don't let it become a stress).

  3. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I hadn't thought of money orders. That could work for my phone bill, thank you.

    I'm pretty serious about the book, too. I actually think it could sell.
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