Just found this though a google search

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Daria, Sep 19, 2013.

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  1. Daria

    Daria New Member

    I was looking for advice on suicide methods, and wound up on a page that tried to talk me out of it and had a link to this forum. It's not that I want to live, but there are two things that make this very difficult for me. First, I am afraid of pain, and even more afraid of surviving a suicide attempt and waking up in the hospital - unable to finish it, but having to bear the anger and disgust of others for causing problems. Second is that I feel guilty for the pain I'm considering causing my mom. Isn't it terrible, sometimes I look forward to the day I hear that my mother has died, because that's the day I can die too? Horrible - but that's just it, I'm not a good person and I don't want to be me anymore. I thought I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and my boyfriend stayed home from work to go with me. I live in the Netherlands, and my Dutch isn't very good. My doctor's English isn't very good. My boyfriend was so resentful, so angry with me. He just glared and clenched his hands, shaking. Then we found out that I made a mistake, my appointment is for tomorrow. I really don't want to be here when my boyfriend gets home from work today, I can't stand it.

    I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. It's not like I think I deserve sympathy - but right now, I can't interact with anybody else and I'm lonely. Whether I work up the nerve to jump in front of a train today or not, just for one minute I need to not be so alone with it.
     
  2. SilverDoll

    SilverDoll Member

    Hey, I can't say much about how you're feeling. But don't let your boyfriend's anger get to you. It was a mistake and it's nobody's fault that your appointment actually happened to be tomorrow. It happens, and at least this time you'll know to double check in the future. In fact, I don't think your boyfriend should be angry at all. Frustrated? yes. At you? No. It'll blow over and you'll have another day, another different day. Just focus on your appointment and let your boyfriend deal with his own anger issues.
     
  3. Daria

    Daria New Member

    He's not actually mad about that. He was almost relieved by that - see, he's really mad because I am going to the doctor in the first place, and that he has to be involved. He tells me all the time how humiliating it is to have me not behaving the way I should (not keeping the house and yard tip-top etc.,) and then actually going to the doctor and asking for help makes it worse. Dutch people think it's sortof immoral to go to the doctor. And of course, we've already been through it several times, and the doctor tells me to go home and shape up, stop being lazy. For me it's painful, for my boyfriend it's infuriating that I won't do what the doctor says. So while we're in the waiting room, I start getting scared and he starts clenching his jaw.
     
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Daria. I am so sorry you ended up living in the netherlands where they do not understand illness. Illness is NOT a weakness. It is a condition. Those people who judge do not have a clue how much strength it takes to get through a day being ill, or having emotional challenges. When people have an easy time of it they never have to find out what true strength really is. True strength would be not getting angry or frustrated when someone who is having a very hard time makes a mistake. Thats strength. He did not show strength, in my opinion. But you ARE having to tap into your strength just to make it from day to day.

    By the way, I can give you another reason to not attempt to take your life. More often than not, when attempts are made, the person survives. But the body can sustain permanant damage. Often of the liver. Sometimes even worse than that, eg: to the brain. Then the person has a whole other challenge they have to manage in life. In addition to the original challenge.

    How long ago did your family move to the Neterlands? Are you in school there? Please only answer if you feel comfortable doing so. I hope you will make this community your home. Post a lot on here. It is english speaking. And you can say what you want. (Other than the few things in the rules. Eg: no talk about methods). Have you seen the diary section of the forums? So many areas to write in. And you can post as many times a day as you want. I am very glad you are here.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2013
  5. SilverDoll

    SilverDoll Member

    I agree with Flowers. Your boyfriend shouldn't care about what others think. It's about you. Your feelings are important and you need more help than he can give. I know it's harsh, but your boyfriend needs to man-up and be there to support you. Like a real boyfriend.
     
  6. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    One thing I don't understand, is why he got mad because u are going to a doctor. A boyfriend is supposed to support and protect his girlfriend, want his girlfriend to be well, and if she got sick, he will be the first one to freak out and immediately do anything to heal you. I'm a guy and if my girlfriend got sick, I will freak out and I will do everything I can to cure her.

    Giving up on life isn't the answer to this, I think you need to talk to him about this, and if he can't understand, maybe ask him to go counseling. You know, only less than 4% of suicide attemp succeded, most of the time it failed, sometimes it left you with permanent damage in your body, disability and so on. I'm not trying to scare you, but it's the fact. I got it from several sources, I can name it but I'm not home right now. And yes, your mother will be devastated. I attempted it once, and I saw my parents's face. They were scared, terrified to be precise, and devastated. My dad thought he lost me, but somehow I managed to recover, lucky I don't get any permanent damage, or a severe ones. My eyes are not what it used to be, I can't see clearly without glasses, and even with glasses, my eyes got tired really fast, I can't wear it for more than 30 minutes.

    And btw, waiting for someone to pass away because you don't want to make them sad, is not evil at all. It's humane. I had that kind of thoughts too, but after I saw my terrified parent's face, I can't do it again.

    You must not do what I did, or some of us did, not for your sake only, for your family, and if u love your boyfriend, for him.

    Take Care and be well, wish you all the best.
     
  7. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hello.

    and welcome to the forum..

    i hope it helps you
     
  8. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    This is just a random thought and is not meant to be rude or condensending, but if you reason for going on right now is because of your mother... and if when the day comes that she is no longer there you would consider suicide as an option... Consider thinking about the reasons that you stay here now on behalf of your mother. You do this because you respect her, care about her, and don't want to cause her any pain in your loss. After she has one day passed on, however, you still might want to continue that respect and caring in her memory - you know she would not wish you to cause yourself any harm - Those feelings might be valid to continue on in her memory and respect after. She wants you to seek out a happy life and while that may seem difficult to achieve, it can be achieved it just may take a long itme and a lot of effort. Keep fighting on, regardless, and always respect your mother. Keep her memory alive even when she herself is gone one day.
     
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend


    First, I am afraid of pain, and even more afraid of surviving a suicide attempt and waking up in the hospital - unable to finish it, but having to bear the anger and disgust of others for causing problems

    This is about you...not the others.

    Second is that I feel guilty for the pain I'm considering causing my mom

    Once again, this is about you, not your mom.

    Horrible - but that's just it, I'm not a good person and I don't want to be me anymore.

    Not a good person...I find that hard to believe just from what I've read in this post. You're more worried about what others will think or feel above your own feelings. Being you isn't such a bad thing. How you are feeling right now is bad, but you aren't.

    My boyfriend was so resentful, so angry with me. He just glared and clenched his hands, shaking. Then we found out that I made a mistake, my appointment is for tomorrow. I really don't want to be here when my boyfriend gets home from work today, I can't stand it.

    THAT is not your boyfriend. From his actions, in no shape or form does he resemble or represent boyfriend material. It really bothers me when I hear young people describing the horrid actions of either a girl or boy friend. Do you realize that you are enduring emotional/psychological abuse? That's right...ABUSE! He gets literally shaking mad because you mixed up a date. He never has done the exact same thing? Did you react the same way he did to you? No, because you were too afraid...right? Let me think...he might leave you? Hun, let him...you deserve soooo much better. And I say that he plays a role in your suicidal thoughts and feelings.

    I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. It's not like I think I deserve sympathy - but right now, I can't interact with anybody else and I'm lonely. Whether I work up the nerve to jump in front of a train today or not, just for one minute I need to not be so alone with it

    Ah, you may not think you deserve sympathy. But I and I'm sure many others here, believe you do. Everyone is entitled to feeling lost. You are part of those everyones! And that allows you to reach out for some guidance, love and understanding of how YOU feel. Not others, not your mom, not your "boyfriend", just you.

    It takes a lot of hard work, determination and hope, to get back to feeling better about yourself, others in your life and seeing a brighter future. For some it happens and others it doesn't. But you've started taking baby steps towards trying to find a better situation than you are in right now. Let others help you. Members here have maybe been where you are now. Or maybe been there and find themselves doing much better. Either way, everyone here can relate to your feelings and thoughts of suicide. Keep talking...you have a captive audience dear that will help anyway they can.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2013
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