I was looking for advice on suicide methods, and wound up on a page that tried to talk me out of it and had a link to this forum. It's not that I want to live, but there are two things that make this very difficult for me. First, I am afraid of pain, and even more afraid of surviving a suicide attempt and waking up in the hospital - unable to finish it, but having to bear the anger and disgust of others for causing problems. Second is that I feel guilty for the pain I'm considering causing my mom. Isn't it terrible, sometimes I look forward to the day I hear that my mother has died, because that's the day I can die too? Horrible - but that's just it, I'm not a good person and I don't want to be me anymore. I thought I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and my boyfriend stayed home from work to go with me. I live in the Netherlands, and my Dutch isn't very good. My doctor's English isn't very good. My boyfriend was so resentful, so angry with me. He just glared and clenched his hands, shaking. Then we found out that I made a mistake, my appointment is for tomorrow. I really don't want to be here when my boyfriend gets home from work today, I can't stand it. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. It's not like I think I deserve sympathy - but right now, I can't interact with anybody else and I'm lonely. Whether I work up the nerve to jump in front of a train today or not, just for one minute I need to not be so alone with it.