• Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin

Just Friends?!?!


Active Member
I met this guy about two months ago, around the time I started cutting. He went through a lot with me, such as my best friend freaking out and me cutting. He had been through a lot and we just got really close really fast. I know he has feelings for me, and he knows I care very deeply about him. And yes, it would be a long distance relationship. But he's got me stuck in the "friends for now, see what happens later" situation. He has no clue that if he DOESN'T ask me to wait for him, he'll lose me forever because he hasn't told me not to.

Every cell in my body wants to just copy and paste this in an email or something so he'll know. Oh well... at least someone knows now. Maybe they won't make the same mistake he did.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
i think talking to him openly on how you feel about him is the best way to get things out in open so you both know where thngs stand
You should actually communicate with him.How can he ask you to do something that is only an issue in your head?
Either you wait for someone or you don't,regardless of whether a request for you to do so has been put in.
If you don't feel you should wait then that's kinda your answer right there.


Active Member
I talk with him every single not. He knows it's an issue in my head. He doesn't get the "you either wait or you don't " thing. I'm trying to just be happy with him being a friend and him being in my life and trying to have some patience because he IS a guy and I know they don't always get shit the first, second, third, and fourth times you say it.

But here's the kicker. He knows there's a #2 guy who I will go to if and when he keeps telling me not to wait.

IDK, in my experience if a guy says "just friends for now" it usually just means he's not interested and doesn't want to hurt feelings.

Guess you probably know him better than I do, though, heh.


Active Member
Oh, I know what you mean. I've used that expression a lot myself to try and keep people happy. But since I know I have a problem putting other people first (it's what drives me to cut) I've tried to kinda change that. But then shit like this happens and I don't know what to do anymore!!!!!



Well-Known Member
What is stopping you from following him? I personally believe that any long distance relationship where there are no plans on either party's side to end close the distance are lies. If you feel strongly enough for him, change your life for him. If it does not work out at least you tried?

Maybe he has feelings for you, but is unsure they are authentic. Maybe he does not want to hurt you by moving away and then finding someone else. Maybe he believes that you only see him as a friend.

Why are you waiting for him to ask you? Why not tell him yourself? In the end if you do not take the chance to do so, you only have yourself to blame. Better to have someone break your heart, then to break it yourself.


Active Member
He will be in the Army in a little over a year. I will be in grad school in two years. He has no say in what happens to him, and I'm going to whatever school wants to pay me the most.

As soon as I saw the above post, we had it out. I was talking to him when I got the email about it and we got it all out. This is the first time he's been "chased" before, and it's my first time doing the chasing. Everything is new and since I'm the head over heels one in the relationship, everything I say sounds stupid and like every stupid romantic movie I've ever seen. I hate this feeling. I hate this role reversal. It's got me going crazy....


Well-Known Member
It's perfectly acceptable for a women to be the 'chaser' - you actually choose regardless - and no man can alter a womans mind. After all men can be shy - so if you spot some diamond in the dung heap of the local sleaze-club, sometimes a women might have to make a move.

In your case - your fear is whether your love is reciprocated. In many ways he sounds a decent guy, honourable in that he could have easily have said 'sure I love you' and used you. He has not, which makes me less wary.

My nieces will be dating soon - I'm kind of keenly watching any suitors. It's all too easy to fall in love with a jerk.

As for being just good friends, I'd be against it myself. From my point of view, this works when you are young. When at school, college and uni and so on, you will have friends who are of the opposite sex. But in your late 20s upwards, that gets limited. Your friends have families and so on and I guess most men would frown at a wife who had a male best friend.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned though. Maybe its just jealousy also. I mean to say, would you want your other half popping out for a 'lads' night out with a women? Or the other way around?

Anyhow, your young so that matters little now. What does matter is whether this man feels for you.

My advice would be to take a nice long shower, grab your fav dress - make him see you as a women. Have a couple of drinks or something - not too much, glass of wine or two perhaps and a nice meal.

Most men would be pretty defenceless at that point. I mean, he might be feeling awkward if your the first women who has made a move. I guess the moment before the first kiss is terrifying sometimes. Will she, won't she, worry and strife!

Just go for it.

Bear in mind love is a gamble always. It would be better to lose someone now than hold it all in and torture yourself over it.

Good luck!


Well-Known Member
Sorry hun, but you have a choice to make. What is more important, grad school or love? The same applies to him, is the army more important or love? If you both decide love is secondary. Then it was not meant to be. Because you two are not sharing your lives. You are living your own lives and telling each other about your lives. If your goals are more important than being with him then he will always be secondary, same with him. It is that simple, especially when trust rears its ugly head. You will be at a university. Where you will have plenty of eligible men trying to bed you. He will be a man in uniform. He will have is choice of females chasing him. Think of it this way, if you steal something and no one notices did you really steal?

I am glad to hear you finally took some responsibility for these feelings. Too often do females cling to being the chased. If a man has never been chased how is he supposed to know?


Active Member
Thanks to all...

We had a very long discussion about it. Both of us know that for the next 6-8 years, we can't have a very serious relationship with anyone. I'm hoping to just keep him in my life so that we we ARE ready, maybe we can be together more than just being committed. In the mean time, I will be friends with other guys and if I feel like there is a greater hope elsewhere or with someone whose live matches up more with mine, then yes, I will tell him and we will work on it from there.

My problems, which is the same reason I cut, are that I want to see everyone else happy and safe first before myself. This is so different for me because it's something I want and he's not sure what he wants.

I guess I'll just wait and see what life throws at us.


Well-Known Member
I am glad to hear you are stepping back. You have to have your life in order before you can really share it with another.

Who knows maybe in a couple years you will realize that it was just a crush.

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount