Damn it this fucking sucks. My throat hurts. It's this fucking stomach acid. This medication is supposed to reduce the acidity by 90% yet I still get reflux. The medication I'm on is 15 mg of Prevacid (lanzoprazole). I tried Nexium (esomeprazole). It worked but the side effects were severe (mentally anyway). There has to be something that works without being such a pain. I have noticed that water is coming up after I drink it. Maybe it's the banana split I had 2 days ago. Fit hit the shan after I had the banana split. No more chocolate! Lol! The doctor said to take OTC antacids like Mylanta or Maalox. I actually like the taste of Maalox. I take it between doses of Prevacid and it doesn't work. Klonopin (clonazepam), which is a benzodiazepine, seems to help with the symptoms of globus hystericus that the reflux causes. I should mention that anxiety also causes the globus hystericus in some people. I have the globus shit when I am not on klonopin. The sensation is the nerves and muscles becoming very tense. I don't take klonopin everyday because of the withdrawal it can cause if you stay on it long enough. It helps with my OCD too. Fuck OCD! It always varies everyday. Sometimes it's through the whole day no matter what. Sometimes I can brush it off yet go through a routine of thoughts before I do something. It's pretty much the reason why I hold up in my room almost all day when I don't have anything important to do. If I leave my room for any reason, I know there is going to be some bout with OCD before I even get from point A to point B and back. It dominates Almost everything. Even this stupid fucking note. I can't write certain things so I have to rephrase them or my mind wont let me continue I hate being alive but I don't want to be killed (obsessive compulsive bullshit in action). I have not done what I want. All this shit is preventing me from doing what I want. All I am capable of is going to school and doctors appointments.I remember I almost dropped out when I was starting school because I was always in an anxious state. I still get that way but I increased my intake of Klonopin to half a pill or a pill every other day which helps. I miss being angry and sad. I hate being anxious and sad, overall fucking miserable. I have not been myself in so long. I miss being alive. It's like I my true self is in a coma and this version of me is just hanging around until they pull the plug. Fake lying bastard. The only emotions I really have are anxiety, anger, and apathy. My body is such a mess of shit. I hate it. I hate that I am so weak and that it is so defective. I'm just so tired of it. I hate myself so much. I am a failed biological mass of shit. I should have been born with a "return to sender sticker" on my back. From a heart murmur to a dislocated hip. Shitty posture and everything. So should have just... I don't know. It's not like I can leave my body whenever I want. That would be amazing. I've been living on chicken, patatos, bread, tuna, and granola bars for the past few months. I just want to be sedated or someshit. I do break and get myself a sub or tacos. Once I had enchiladas. I don't think they have ever tasted so good. Did I mention that I fucking HATE this?! I have a barium swallow test coming up in 2 days. I saw some videos of people drinking barium. I'm not happy with that. It looks fucking gross. Can they get that shit in flavors? Chocolate! Jk. It is supposed to check on a shitload of conditions. I hope that I will write that all this shit that has been going on was just an obstacle that I overcame it even when I thought there was nothing I could do.