Just getting it out there.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Avarice, Mar 10, 2010.

  1. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Hmm, so I've been thinking about making a thread here for a while now. I've never really said much about my past and frankly, no ones ever asked. I wouldn't say it's a terribly bad past, it's probably a lot lighter than the majority of what people here have gone through, but I will say it's had an effect on me and I just want to tell it, even if no one even bothers reading all of this.

    Well, where to begin? From knowledge, I have never been sexually or physically abused, at least with not any certainty. There are grey spots in my mind where I think "Was that wrong...?" but I don't really fancy talking about those, so I won't. When I was younger, I never spoke to anyone outside of my family. People thought I was just awfully shy, but in actual fact it was something called selective mutism. At school, I never answered to the register, or talked to people or ever asked for help. Whatever little I ever did say, was often met with such a suprised and shocked reaction from the other person, followed by constant attention from other people, that I hardly ever bothered at all. I've always hated having all the attention on me and from what I remember, I've always had anxiety problems. From as little as three years old, I was embarassed of my body. My sister used to buy me dresses and mini shirts and make up, but I hated it all because I didn't think I was pretty enough for it. I've always had some fear of wearing my hair up and I've always avoided any forms of social interaction from this age. When I was in nursery, I made friends with a girl who couldn't speak much english, and refused to speak to anyone else. Obviously, me being in quite a similar situation with the non-speaking part, we took a shine to eachother and somehow, eventually went on to become friends. Sadly, a few months later she was taken out of my class and moved up a year, into my brothers class. That was my first ever friend who was taken away. I'd always been a good reader, I'd started reading when my brother who was in the year above brought home his school books, so whenever I moved up the years, I often already knew the content we were to learn already. By the time I was in year 2 (around aged 6-7) I was feeling more confident and spoke whenever neccesary and to my one friend in the class, Katie. Katie was a nice, blonde haired little girl who I got on really well with. Unfortunately, she was also friends with a ginger haired girl called Chloe, who seemed to have some deep disliking towards me. Chloe and Katie often fought and ended up not as friends, which I'll admit, made me happy - Chloe was a very anti-social, bossy type, she had this permanent glare and came across as very manipulative - however whenever I went off to some recorder practice or to do some errand, I'd come back and they'd be friends again. This went on for the majority of my time in year 2, until one day we had a class outing to Central London. On our outing, we were allowed to buy some McDonald's and we all got happy meals which were these Lady and the Tramp toys. I was quite a fan of Lady and the Tramp so I was pretty chuffed with my toy. Anyway, as we neared the school on the way back, Katie accused me of having stolen her Lady and the Tramp toy; it turned out Chloe had gotten it into Katie's head that I'd stolen hers so I could have two, while in actual fact, I hadn't. This caused Katie to quit talking to me entirely, and I haven't spoken to her since. That was my second friend, gone, all because some silly little girl decided to be devious and turn her against me.

    Then I entered primary school. On my first day, I made friends with a chubby brown haired girl called Jodie. Jodie seemed nice enough at the time, but showed her true colours pretty soon after. She would tell other kids what I said about them, such as this one time there were these two friends, one really tall and thin and one really short and chubby. I said I preferred the short chubby one because as I'm rather short, I disliked the fact that the other was so tall and towered over me. So she told them that. There were other occasions, of course, times when she'd set me and someone else up against eachother, or she'd steal my toys (I used to take a stuffed toy into school every day to keep me company) and throw it around to other people above me, and because I was so short, I wouldn't be able to reach up to grab it back. She often used to pull my hair, or hit me, or make fun of me. She'd tell me how ugly I was, force me to do things, treat me like a slave, wake me up in the night when we had sleepovers just for fun, she'd force me to touch myself in strange places even though I didn't want to, and for some reason, I just accepted it because she was my one and only friend. It's my own fault for being so stubbornly loyal, I tend to feel really grateful to anyone who even wishes to talk to me, let alone be my friend. Well, time went on, and we reached year 6 (around aged 10-11). This kid joined our class called Ashley, and everyone in our year group fancied him. He was very handsome, tanned, athletic; heck even I fancied the pants off of him. I didn't reckon I ever had a chance though, but I later found out that he did like me too. He used to pick my pencil case up for me when it fell off my desk because some idiot brushed passed, little things like that that I never really looked into too much at the time. Well that was also the year that that same ginger haired girl Chloe joined our class. I remembered her, and she remembered me. During that year, she managed to take Jodie away from me as well; she'd force Jodie to stop talking to me, ignore me, etc., but Jodie used to be my friend in secret, keeping it from Chloe that we still talked. She even broke her leg once, as we were walking home from school, but I wasn't allowed to stick around and see if she was okay because Chloe's sister was there. When Chloe got bored of this, she told Jodie to pretend to be my friend, so then all three of us used to hang out and Jodie would set us up against eachother and make us compete for her friendship. By this time though, I'd made another friend...

    My mum had gotten herself a boyfriend who lived nearby, but not nearby enough that you could walk the distance. I didn't realise at the time, but she spent more time with him than she did us. She used to leave to go to his in the morning and come back in time to cook us dinner and get us to bed. Wednesday nights she'd stay there the night and leave me and my two brothers on our own, though my oldest brother often wasn't home til 2/3AM (he was 19/20 at the time) and she'd spend every weekend there while me and my brother went to our Dad's. One weekend she decided not to come home for 2 weeks, and this was before we knew the boyfriend existed, so my Dad had to take 2 weeks off work to look after us. When she finally came back, she told us she had been visiting our Grandfather, even though I saw her get out of Barbara's car before she knocked on the door (Barbara was dating my mum's boyfriends son, and was a horrible mean woman who hated kids and often used to say mean things to me and my brother whenever she got the chance). Her constant absence away from home caused a lot of problems between my brother and I, as often during the day on school holidays my brother would want to go out with his friends, but I wouldn't allow him to because it would mean I would be alone. See, as a child, I never went anywhere alone. I didn't even start going to the toilet on my own until I was nearly in high school (around aged 10-11). I feared being in a room on my own and would follow the last person out the room if they were ever to leave it - even in daylight. To begin with, I used to hang out with my brother and his friends, but they soon got sick of me tagging along, and I'd be left alone at home. Back to the point though, when we finally met my mothers boyfriend, we'd sometimes stay there with them at night, as he owned a big three bedroom house. To begin with, he was a fairly nice man, he had one son who was a druggie, but he was old enough to not be living at home anymore. As time went on though, he developed a brain tumour and with that, his whole personality changed. He began becoming very strict, and often whipped me and my brother when we were too noisy or wouldn't stop play fighting or pestering our mum. My mum didn't seem to care all that much about what he did, or the fact he had no right. He wasn't even my step Dad, he had no right.

    As time went by though (I met this guy when I was in year 5 - so aged around 9) I made friends with the girl who lived across the road from him. Her name was Hayley, and although her mum was slightly crazy and lied about practically everything, she seemed okay. Oh how wrong I was. When I began high school, we were in the same class. We'd known eachother for 2 years and never fought once, mostly because we only ever saw eachother once or twice a week. Now we had to spend every school day together, and we often went out together on the weekends, and this was when I saw the real side to her. She was Jodie mrk. 2. She'd stick chewing gum in my hair, make me carry around her P.E bag everywhere so she didn't have to, make me walk her to class even if it meant me being late, she'd force me to hold her hand around school, I had to allow her to give me piggy backs in school or else she wouldn't let me eat any lunch, she'd call me various insults, sing the "U.G.L.Y" song at me which was her way of saying I was ugly, every other friend I made besides her she'd poison against me and then steal them so she'd have a ton of friends and I'd have just her. She'd make me choose between her and my childhood friends, my siblings, my family. I've always had huge trust issues, but for some reason I felt I could trust her, and told her that I liked this boy.. then two days later she decided to tell him. She'd trick me into lying to a friend of mine and telling them that I was at home on my conputer when actually I was in the computer room with Hayley at school, then she'd tell them I just lied and make them hate me. She once gave out my home phone number to a stranger at a bus stop, just to piss me off, telling the man that I wanted to date him. This one time, she turned up at my house having slashed her wrists with some scissors and ran out of her house, even though she knew I hated the sight of blood. We went to Camden (a place in London once) with some people that a childhood friend of mine had introduced me too, and from there we went to this strange place I'd never been before. They were all drinking and smoking and I wanted to go home, but I didn't know where I was, and she promised me she'd ring her Grandad to pick us up and take us home, but then she changed her mind and I was stuck there til 1AM when the police picked us up because my mum thought I'd been kidnapped. She wasn't a very nice person, to say the least. It got to year 10 (aged around 15-16) and she dropped out of school completely. She was hardly in anyway, but this time she had an excuse - her boyfriend had only dated her as a dare, and she was upset about it, so she told the counsellors that he was suicidal and that she was worried about him, when this didn't work, she told everyone that her grandfather constantly sexually abused her. This went all the way to the social services, but once it got official she backed out and told them she didn't want to take the allegation any further, or so I heard from her. Personally, no one that she ever told believed this, as she was always telling lies (she said she had a boyfriend who died in the 9/11 bombing, which turned out to be untrue) and anyone who knew her grandfather knew he was the kindest guy you'd ever meet. We'd get bullied and insulted by basically everyone. She used to handcuff herself to me, kiss my cheek, hold my hand, etc., so that everyone thought we were lesbians. She was into satanist stuff; spells, pantagrams, black candles, etc., so everyone thought we were both satanists.. because of these things we'd often get stuff thrown at us, laughed at, pushed around. She didn't seem to care and rose about it all, but it all effected me badly, so that I never used to go out of the house unless I had too. To begin with, people at school used to tell me to get away from her, to ditch her and stand up for myself. But I knew that if I did that, who would I have then? They sure as hell wouldn't volunteer to hang out with me, so I'd be all alone. What was the point in that?

    She got into the wrong crowd then. She found this guy online who lived in America who turned her into his sex slave, and he used to make her go on webcam and do revolting things like masturbate with a toothbrush or a carrot, and other such related things. In real life she got with those same people who I introduced her through my childhood friend, and she got into drink and drugs and from then on we didn't talk much anymore. Because of this I was forced to make friends with other people at school. Cue Mark, Omar, Wil and Ricky. They were friends of Hayley's from school that I'd always been too shy to talk too, but we began hanging out a lot. They all had a 'thing' for me somewhere down the line during my time at high school, which made it somewhat difficult to be friends with them. I considered Mark my best friend, but he mostly ignored me and preferred to call his ex-girlfriend his best friend. She was a small girl who mostly ignored him, blocked him on MSN, toyed about with his feelings. He'd invite her to do something for his birthday but she'd always stall and stall until it was too late and she couldn't go, but he'd never once ask me or any of our other friends. Then I met Jenni.

    I met her when I entered sixth form. To begin with, she seemed fun. She was a chinese girl, a little chubby, but then all of my previous female best friends had been. We went out to a party in Hyde Park with two of her friends, and she got extremely drunk. At first I thought it was funny; she was running around crazily, we all had to run after her, make sure she was okay, etc., but then she started saying things like, how she had been pregnant and had to have an abortion and she hadn't been to school in 3 weeks because of it. I knew she hadn't been into sixth form for the past 3 weeks, so this worried me, but her friends all said she was just being silly and didn't mean it. I ignored it and time went by and we became closer and closer. Then I began drinking. Not a lot, just socially, and occasionally I'd get drunk, but it was never out of hand. When she was drunk she'd say really scary things. She told me that the night we went to that first party, her friends left her outside on her own and she got taken back to this flat by a man with a dog and she was raped. She told me she drew all her friends, decapitated, even "Roxy" (she'd talk to me about myself like I was someone else). She'd sit there and slit her wrists right in front of me in her bedroom. For me, it was all a bit too much. When she got drunk, you knew you were in for a ride. Once, she got drunk with me and Wil. Me and Wil weren't drunk, in fact Wil puked up all the stuff he drank before going back to her house with me. She told me she wanted to kill him, because he was so sleazy. We were in her room, laying on the floor looking at the ceiling when she told me to go leave the room. I didn't know what she meant, but I went to the bathroom and waited. I realised that maybe she was serious and was planning to kill him right then (stupid I know, but given the things she'd said to me before.. I believed her) so I called and called her, but neither answered back. Then her dad came home and she had to rush downstairs... with different trousers on. That was when I realised they'd just had sex. He had a girlfriend at the time, but he didn't seem to care, pretended he didn't know what had happened because he had been too drunk (even though he'd sicked up all that he'd drank). Anyway, about a year later, me and Jenni go to an arcade for the day. They had an arcade, a bowling alley and crucially, a bar.. Jenni decided she wanted to drink while we bowled. BIG mistake. A few glasses of wine and a ton of gin & tonics later and she was bladdered. So much so that she smashed the wine glass against the table and proceeded to slit her wrists with the shards, right in front of the couple in the lane next to us and everyone else. I tried to get her outside so we could go home as the manager said we had to leave, but she refused to go home. She said she'd stay there all night. I didn't want to leave her there to get hurt or raped like her last bunch of friends did (as well as the fact that I didn't know how to get home, again!) so I told her no, I'd wait. She promised me she'd go home after a cigarette, so I allowed her to have one, but then she said no. I threatened to call her mum and she begged me not too, saying she told her mum she was staying out at a friends that night. I had no idea why sober Jenni would promise that, because sober Jenni was nice.. but she did. In the end, after a few hours, I was getting worried because it was getting late and I needed to go home too. I rang a cab to take us home, but she got angry and refused to get in. In the end I had to call her mum, and when she arrived Jenni had gone missing. We found her in the toilets with her wrists slashed again, and she was calling herself a different name - Jessica. Her mum was really strict and rough with her, and Jenni kept looking at me with a glare and saying, "You betrayed me" in this really eerily creepy voice. On the way home in her mums car I ended up crying because I felt like I'd done something wrong and lost my friend for good. I haven't seen her since that night.

    Since then, the only people I've been close to have been Mike and Gerard. I've known Mike for four or five years, but in all that time, we've hardly ever had a serious conversation. We have a very casual, relaxed friendship where we talk about music, games, etc., but never anything serious. We don't introduce eachother to our other halfs, we've never met in real life, we've never traded birthday cards or presents, it's very very laid back. I can't really talk to him about my problems because when I do I often feel like I'm just bothering him, and he only ever replies with a few short sentences, no matter how many paragraphs I write. Then there is Gerard. He's the first person I've ever felt 100% comfortable with both online and in real life. I felt I could tell him my true feelings, be honest with him about everything, but then he betrayed my trust and made me realise, I don't really have anyone. Over the two years we've known eachother, I've sometimes sent him long detailed emails about the way I feel, good and bad, how things are for me, etc., but I just got told that I should keep my emails shorter, and that I have to wait a little while for a reply. I figured, a few days, since one of the emails took me 3 hours to write (30 minute to read, and I'm a fast reader) but I ended up waiting 2 weeks for something that was not even 1/4 of the length. My feelings and thoughts, never felt like they mattered to him, or anyone else. My family mostly care only about themselves and money. I'm not allowed to see my neice who lives in Taiwan, until I have a job, but getting a job is a stressful thing for me, given my anxiety and APD. I avoid social situations at all costs, I've grown up being told I'm ugly and not worth a damn, and the only person I've cared about or felt right with, threw it all back in my face.

    I'll stop here, or else this will get too long. I don't expect replies, or even sympathy. It just helps to finally get everything down and out there now, even though that isn't even all of it. This has been long enough already. Thanks to anyone who actually bothers to read it all.
  2. wasoncewas

    wasoncewas Active Member

    Well I read it and glad you got it out :) it's hard but why are you alone? You can offten tell more about a person through textile interpretations of one's mind and -lm oddly drawn to know way more about you.. You can keep talking if you want to. I'd love to read more :)
  3. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Hmm.. I'm alone because I'm really bad at making friends, and those friends I do make, well.. you can see for yourself what they've all been like. My family mostly ever care about material things, I've tried talking to my mum about getting help for my problems but she doesn't believe me; she thinks I'm just overthinking things. It's very difficult for me to feel comfortable around people enough to tell them my true thoughts and feelings, and I've only ever found one person I could be myself around. When I'm comfortable enough around a person, I tend to speak my mind and let them know my own thoughts, challenge what they say, which obviously can lead to quite a few complications in the friendship/relationship.

    I may write more later on, some of the other stuff is a little too embarassing for me to write out right now, but thank you for reading and showing an interest. I really appreciate it. :smile:
  4. wasoncewas

    wasoncewas Active Member

  5. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    My name? I'm not sure if that's what you mean, but if so, it's Roxanne.
  6. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    hey roxanne i read your thread here. i'm sorry friends have been so difficult. i just hope you know not everyone is like that, but we tend to be drawn to particular types of people. i would like to encourage you to try to rethink about the types of people you are drawn to. i know i've had to do that recently.

    when i was in school i didn't have too many friends if any i guess you could say. i went to private schools and given all my trauma i never felt like i could relate to anyone. this is a very lonely place to be.

    i'm much older now. long since out of school. over the last number of years especially since i moved to where i am now i tended to be drawn towards people that would really take advantage of my kindness. this was so much the case i ended up in a lot of trouble with the law just trying to help someone. they abused my kindness.

    anyways, i have just begun to make some new friends that are nothing like the ones i had. i've let all the hazardous ones go. i admit i don't really feel like i can relate much to these new people, but to be honest that's ok cause they genuinely care about me and my well being. as well as i care about theirs.

    i would just encourage you to keep reaching out there. there are people who do care and won't abuse you. keep talking. keep sharing. i think you will find it helps too. take care