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just getting some stuff out

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sweep, Jan 6, 2011.

  1. sweep

    sweep Well-Known Member


    how do i explain this? :/ i struggle so much to get out what is running constantly through my mind.

    ive got so many problems, dont no where to start. the last few weeks my depression has been terrible, its so hard to get through the day, everyday its the same. its killing me :/ i really feel like i cant cope feeling like this, not another day :( ive got so many painful thoughts contantly in my head, i cant cope.

    ive got such severe sa/avpd, its very bad :/ it just is crap cos i cant talk to ppl, i cant make friends, so many days ive been feeling suicidal but i cant get help cos im way to scared, its like im totally trapped with my probs, i cant go out into the world and sort help cos my anxiety is horrific, i dont have a single friend for support, i just feel so trapped with my problems :( its so lonely and painfull.

    my sa is so severe the only way i can cope is to stay at home, im desperate to make friends but i cant do it cos i get to anxious and scared they will dislike me. ive tired so hard but all the fears i have come true :(

    i feel like such a terrible person even tho i know im a nice person, but noone understands me, noone has ever wanted to be my friend. the few friends i have ever had in my life has eneded up with them not liking me or me letting them down. even tho i tried so hard :(

    my life is so bad, i dont feel it will ever get better. just feel so sad and lonely.

    i feel so ill with these painfull thoughts, they dont go away :( i dont no what i can do to make them go away.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    well i am glad you are talking here getting some of those thoughts out
    Have you a therapist to help you at all. are you on medication to help slow the thoughts down You can call your GP to get these ordered Keep posting here okay whatever you are feeling even if it is just words post them Hugs it helps
  3. sweep

    sweep Well-Known Member

    thank you for replying :)

    i dont have a therapist at the moment but im sure im on a cbt waiting list, recently i managed to go to the doctors about my problems, it was horrible doing that but i did it :D

    he has given me citalopram to take, i must confess i havnt taken any yet :( i keep putting it off cos it feels scary and risky cos of the possible side effects, i feel totally lost :( i know i need to start taking this medication.
    at the moment everyday is a massive struggle to get through, lots of times i have been desperate to post how i feel on a forum but i havnt been able to do it, i end up holding my head in my hands and think to myself i will do it 2morrow. im glad i have managed to post today for once :) its so bad keeping it bottled up.

    thx again, hugs :)
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Hope you find the strength to continue to post here. I know Ive met so many here that can relate to how Im feeling and that just makes a huge differance in itself.

    Give the meds a try, why not? I know you worry about the side affects, but would it make a differance if you were taking this for a heart, sickness or other than depression. Half the battle is learning to live with depression and the side affects it brings on, which at times can be so overwhelming, but knowing its an illness makes you realize that maybe I do need meds to get me past this point or that therapy may be something I should try and that its okay to need these things, sometimes we all do.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Way to go getting in and getting some help that took courage I can honestly tell you the meds work okay I sat and looked at mine for days before taking them but you know what i have more energy now i have clearer thoughts and i am not as sad. Please try the meds okay they will take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully although you may feel the effects sooner. It won't hurt to try them and you will be grateful you did.
    I am so happy you got the courage to reach out :hugtackles::hugtackles:
  6. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Hey, we're in really similar situations - I have SA/AvPD to the point that I have no real life friends anymore and hardly ever leave the house. I've been put on Citalopram by my doc and on a waiting list fot CBT at the moment too. So I really get how you're feeling right now. One thing I will say is: take the meds. They DO help, even if a little bit. To begin with they'll possibly make you feel a little worse, but after the initial 2 weeks you start to feel a little better and although it doesn't change the things that are wrong with you, it kinda helps prevent you from thinking about it as much.

    I'm really glad you made this thread and spoke out, I know how hard it is to take the step and make a thread like this and the fear of nobody replying to it is just so great. If you ever want to talk, about anything, PM me at any time and I'll try and be something of a friend to you if you need it. Take care and get well soon :hug:
  7. sweep

    sweep Well-Known Member

    thank you so much for your support and also great advice, doityourself, total eclipse and avarice :hug: :) hope your all feeling ok today.

    your right about taking the medication, i need to do be a bit more brave and take them. cant keep putting it off, i always think i will get better without them, like the dep wont last but its always there the next day :/

    im sorry too avarice that you suffer with avpd aswell, sorry u dont have any real friends :( you sound a lot like me with your situation, avpd/sa is such a nasty condition, so is dep :( just its horrible and i hate seeing ppl suffer :(

    thx so much for the responce to my thread :hug:
  8. sweep

    sweep Well-Known Member

    im feeling very very depressed here :( cant keep feeling like this :( not fair :(
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No you can't keep feeling that this that is why you have to try the meds okay it will take awhile for them to work but the meds will Just try okay and keep talking here until they do kick in hugs :hugtackles:
  10. sweep

    sweep Well-Known Member

    thank you total eclipse :)

    the meds have to work :( cos i dont want to keep feeling like this, i feel so unhappy right now and so drained and tired too, im so tired all the time. i dont no what to do to fix things :(

    it feels like everthing is wrong and all i do is the wrong things, and im so stupid i cant even explain what im trying to say :(

    everything i just totally bad.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not stupid you are explaining yourself quite clearly. I hope the medication does kick in soon It took me two trys and the second medication seems to be giving me that strength i need I am not saying the sadness goes totally away but the meds give you the edge you need to fight okay. Each time i had stopped it i got worse I now know i can't stop them yet. Have you started on your medication the first week you may have some side effects but after that when the chemical get level in your brain you will feel so much better. hugs. Talking here does help okay talking allows you to release the sadness the pain Just to be heard you know you are not alone okay Hugs Let us know how you are progressing okay keep communicating here hugs. I know your tired but that too will go away in time Rest whenever you did to rest okay
  12. sweep

    sweep Well-Known Member

    thx, your words are very wise :)

    i feel like such a bad person :( im very very depressed cos of my probs, everything!! plus im totally broken hearted, i had to get this out, i feel like im not suppose to feel this bad cos of a broken heart. i feel like every step i take now is a bad one, its hard to explain. im such a mental mess :( its just my allready bad probs combined, feel like im going bonkers :( dont no what im doing :(
  13. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Sweep, Im so proud of you that your taking this next step in getting yourself better. Yep its going to be hard work and its going to take a little time for you to adjust, be patient with the meds and start looking for the little side affects its helping you with.

    Soon you should start to notice that your not so tired anymore, that those thoughts are coming from the depression, its trying to bring you down. You will also notice yourself smiling and being able to laugh more.

    Keep posting or journaling in the mean time, do it so you can see the thoughts in words, sometimes that helps me realize just how bad of things Im thinking and that the thoughts are really not me at all.

    Try and stay super busy, clean, cook, exercise, do school work or just play games on computer or watch funny movies, read books, anything to take your mind off of things and keep you occupied.

    Hope your feeling better.
  14. sweep

    sweep Well-Known Member

    :) u say such great advice doityourself, thx for being proud of me, im proud of you aswell :) thx for helping me. i hope your feeling ok aswell :)
  15. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Thanks sweep, means alot to me, hope today has been a better day.
  16. sweep

    sweep Well-Known Member

    im really feeling it now :( :sigh:
  17. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im sorry your feeling down sweep, anything I can do to help?
  18. sweep

    sweep Well-Known Member

    thx doityourself :) :hug: hope your ok.

    hope everyone on here is ok, :hug: to anybody feeling down.

    so far today has been ok :) last time when i posted and was feeling so depressed :/ was horrible! it never goes away, not in the evenings anyway :(
    morning times are just about bareable, but i hate the night time :(

    i went to the dentist yesterday, the dentist is so much fun :D. its not one of those things that turns out to be not as bad as u worry, its really is bad. even tho its so scary i can still do the dentsit and be less anxious and scared than talking to someone on the phone, thats a bit messed up :/

    the last few weeks have been really bad, my depression has been bad :( im not very good at explaining it :( i wish i was because being stuck in my head, it makes it even worse :(
  19. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    being stuck in your head lots of us are that way. Have you started on meds yet i promise they do help when you get the right one. I have more energy on my medication and not as fearful. I hope you talk to your doctor okay let us know when you try them and how they are working hugs to you
  20. sweep

    sweep Well-Known Member

    r frustrating :/ i just wrote a long post but logged me out lol.

    ive started my meds total eclipse, its really good that yours do help u, hope mine work good too :) its a bit scary! maybe soon i will start to get side affects, the bad ones :/ but i was thinking to myself, i bet they wont be as bad as when i feel suicidal and stuff.

    cant remember what i wrote before :/

    oh yep, these last few days ive been hiding away, im feeling scared to sign in to forums, im a forum phobe hehe, im not sure tho, i think mixed in is that i feel totally worthless, cos im not normally scared this much. when my dep is bad tho i feel worthless and really tired, im always :sigh: do it 2morrow or cant think what to say. its just bad cos when im struggling in the evenings i need help but just stay in bed crying :(

    i went to my doctors yesterday and in the waiting room it was awefull, i was with my mum, and i said to her this is worse than the dentist, she said noway!
    but it was, just sitting in there, it was worse than having my tooth pulled out lol. my doc did a depression test, i got 17 this time compared to 22 last time, he said well done your beating this, but not really. i was so anxious i didnt really answer the questions that well, just said anything to get it over with :( im an idiot really. and he said i want u to look for work soon, inside im like shit shit :/ there is noway i can work, i told him ok maybe certian things. he said to me aswell u need to go out more, i said i get anxious tho, he said well u cant sit inside all day, i dont think he is as understanding as i thought :(

    reacently ive ben feeling so worthless and lost, i could make a long list of bad stuff ive been feeling :( leaves me feeling totally hopeless.

    my mum says to me i should get a kitten :) i love cats and have had them all my life, my cat died a few years ago :( :(. i know in the evenings when im upset if i have a kitten to pay with and look after it would really help me, but im so scared if it dies :( these problems are like a curse