Just got a warning

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Calleo, Oct 27, 2011.

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  1. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    They'll disconnect my internet in a few days, so I can't even look for anything that might help me, or continue working. I'm doomed from there.

    The only thing I need now is advice on "methods" but as I know this forum doesn't/shouldn't give any.

    I know, no one cares. Just thought I should post somewhere.
  2. Bluey

    Bluey Active Member

    Sorry to hear that.

    I have looked on line a few times for ways to kill yourself pain free.
    There are no good ways to what I can work out.

    The only thing I learned from looking was that if you do try your moor then liable to hurt yourself even moor then your hurting now and then have to carry on as be for.

    Not having the net dose suck in many ways.
    But you know in other ways it can liberate you.
    For me a lot of the time things like looking on FB and different sights I go on can make me feel worse.

    But then it dose kill the time of and dose distract me from my own feelings.

    Not having the net has its pros and cones.

    By giving your self another day you give your self another chance.
    There is always hope, there just has to be. For me and you :)
  3. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    I don't even use my time on dumb things like facebook, most of the time I'm either learning or working on my stuff or trying to build connections, etc. I use my time well and the internet is vitally essential for me (everything in this little country works through the internet, plus I'm only qualified for anything to do with the internet).

    I don't have any more days, that's the problem.

    I just received a reply from a potential employer, they basically insulted and mocked me. I'm not even going to make an effort anymore. I deserve to be happy for once in my life, I'm not going to spend my last days feeling pathetic and inferior.

    The dumbest thing is that I'm only one month late with a ten euro bill, and they're going to cut off my connection just because of that; no extensions, nothing.

    I already borrowed money for this (last) month's bill, from a family member, but I really can't ask anymore. They're not well off either plus I have nothing to show that I can ever pay them back, plus we're not really close so it's not like they'll want to help me just because I'm family. They don't care about me.
  4. Bluey

    Bluey Active Member

    Sounds like your in a hard place there.
    Try and not be to disheartened. We have all struggled for money at one time or another.

    Things well turn around. When your at rock bottom the good thing is there is only one way to go from their. Obviously that's back up :Y

    It dose make it moor difficult when your trying to do it all alone as well. This I know of all to well. maybe your family would not mind borrowing you a little moor if its just for such a small amount. But with saying that I think the way I would look at that is if you don't borrow you don't owe anybody anything. I would rather go with out then borrow. But that's me. I have old fashioned view when it comes to money considering my age I think.
  5. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, I really don't find it encouraging. For enough people life gets so bad that they do have to kill themselves, I have no reason to believe I'm more special than them.

    It's not a small amount if you're dirt poor and unemployed. My family isn't any better off than me, 'they' have had to borrow money from 'me' in the past. (Just with them [my mother, sister] it's more obvious that they can regain their stability, but I have nothing going for me, and they know that. 'I' know that, so I don't want to borrow what I can't return, I'd rather die.)
  6. Bluey

    Bluey Active Member

    Now come on. You cant just wont to die cos of money now, surly.
    I know it sucks not to have any but you know some of the happiest ppl in the world are some of the poorest.

    OK money dose matter to a certain extant. But you know sometimes you have a little and sometimes you have none and the rest of the time its probably normal to just have enough to get by.

    Well, I know there's probably moor to do with this then money.

    Is there not a number you can call for help?
    Even if you don't have a phone is there not a phone box you could go to.
    Most help line numbers are free.
    I don't see that you have anything to loss by trying to talk to someone first be for you try and kill yourself.

    You really should tell a doctor how you feel.
    OK you may be embarrassed. But he/she wont say anything to anyone.
    If you do kill your self everyone well know that for sure.

    Pleas, for yourself try one of this things or both.
    You really do have nothing to loss. I don't see how trying this things first well hurt you.
  7. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    I don't know what planet you live on, but on this one people mainly kill themselves because of depression (and/)or financial despair.

    I don't want to be rich, I just want to have the resources to function properly. I have a mission, there's things I need to do, I'm not looking to live aimlessly.

    I don't have enough to get by. I'm not getting by right now, I haven't eaten properly for weeks.

    What, who do I call? A wizard?


    See my last thread; I know that "go to a doctor" is a standard response on this forum but it simply doesn't apply to me.

    Thank you for trying to help, but I'm really not enjoying turning my life into a debate when it's not helping me.

    I don't know why I'm here (SF), it just seems like the logical place to be given that I'm going to commit suicide.
  8. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Hey, i'm really wanting to hear about your mission and the things you need to do, if you are willing to share.

    So many folks are going through rough times right now. Sorry. Likely you tire of hearing that, it's so sad and true though. I know about five young people who have lost so much weight it's seriously concerning me. They work and go to school. One in particular has always been muscular and lean. He has gone from 150lbs to 105, as he cannot afford food even though working. I've radically changed my diet and lifestyle so i might help some of them and others (and i am already just barely getting by), but dang times are so hard for folks right now.

    Do you have any friends who would be willing to allow you internet access, a nearby library? i know that's not ideal, it's just a thought.

    Any temporary housing alternatives you can think of, just to save money? So many folks are having to share resources at this time.

    Sorry if my ideas are stupid. I don't know your situation, I'm just trying to be helpful as i really feel for you.

    I truly hope you can find a way, and that things work out in a positive manner for you.
  9. Bluey

    Bluey Active Member

    This link here if your in the UK


    If not then you might be able to find someone to talk to from this link#


    A Doctor would be a standard response because its good advice.
    Nobody is going to be able to help you if A, your not prepared to help yourself and B, they don't know you need help.

    When you see a Doctor you simply say I am unhappy and am here because I have been wanting to end my life. Coming here is my (The doctors) Is me asking for help because I cant go on as I am feeling. Or just what ever you need to tell them. I can not do that for you or any one else here. YOU have to be the one to do that.

    And I live on the same planet as you do.
    I live alone and have a body that's twisted and defamed. I get very little money as I have to live on benefits and the shame of that also.
    I cant even walk down the street normally cos of a limp.

    You have nothing to loss at all by seeing a doctor. You have everything to gain by doing this. You life. Do you wont to stay feeling this crap?
    Would you sooner end it then try this one little thing be for doing something so final? Well its up to you.

    What ever you do I hope your OK. I really do. Its not nice feeling that down./ Of that I do know.
  10. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    If I haven't been clear enough, I'll repeat. I shouldn't even be here, my issues aren't mental or emotional. There's nothing a doctor or anyone can help me with, at least not in such a short time.


    I really wish people on here would stop blaming me for not trying hard enough, you've no idea how hard I've tried. :( I just didn't have very favorable circumstances to start with.

    Considering everything, it's like I am indeed superhuman, for getting this far with most of my sanity and self-esteem intact. But it's not helping me here.

    I don't have any friends and it'd be impossible to get any work done at the library. They'll give me like one or two hours per week, plus I need my files and bookmarks and programs, etc.

    I'm good where I live now, I'm currently not even pressured to pay my share of the rent (though I should start doing so as soon as I can). I have to buy my own stuff though, anything and everything that I personally need, and I literally have no money left at all, besides like 3 euros that I keep for a final meal (I like food, and I deserve a last bit of happiness) and possibly booze to try to numb any possible pain. (Any "methods" that are available to me aren't fool-proof or pain-proof.)

    (Thank you for talking to me and thank you for trying to help, I do appreciate that.)
  11. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    I can't really get into details but I guess I could try to explain.

    I have a vision. It's probably not going to change the world, but if I can express it in its entirety then I think I could positively and substantially affect many people's lives. It's not for everyone, people are different, but I'm sure there are many people who would find it's perfect for them.

    It's partly spiritual in nature, but nothing woowoo, no "love and light, let's wait for 2012" crap. I'm a very pragmatic person. I just see the value in a certain dose of spirituality, and I think others could too if it was proven/explained to them in a way that would get across to them.

    It's partly philosophical in nature. I think that in the 21st century people should have worldviews that are comprehensive and also relevant to the modern times. It makes me sad when people still argue over the existence or non-existence of God and other entities, or over other philosophical dilemmas that aren't actual dilemmas at all. I think that if I could express and explain my worldview in its entirety, more people would move on from meaningless problems and get to work on things that really matter.

    It's partly, and importantly, cultural in nature. (I'm not sure right now how I could summarize this properly, so I'll skip this for now.)

    And (possibly) last but definitely not least, it's related to science. I don't have the education to get immersed in that, but alongside the other things I have to say, I would propagate the proper use of science to solve our global socio-political problems. (There are people who want to save the world but propagate doing so via religion or spirituality, but by what I've seen and experienced, believing only works for some, while science works for everyone.)
  12. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Hey, you don't need to be superman. although sounds like you've been doing a lot as it is. i suspect you are doing a good job, it's just things suck dirt for so many people right now. I surely put no blame on you. i have no doubts that you are trying really hard. People with a mission, tend to put a lot of effort into getting things done and doing. I have no doubt you've been trying. ((gentle hug)) if you want it. Would be a real hug if face to face just so you know it's genuine.

    Yeah, i hear you about trying to get work done at the library. It was a reach on my part. On the plus side, I'm glad you have a somewhat stable housing situation.

    Is there any way i can help you brainstorm work/employment ideas? Something to generate enough income to keep your internet going? Oh, and blow off those folks who insulted you. They are not worthy of your time or energy. I have to blow people off as well at times. Although it may have been a loss, the potential employment, if they are like that, then likely you did not need to be there. You may have eventually found yourself being bashed by them for some reason or another.

    Wish i could help you find a way to keep your chin up. I know. I know it's difficult. i really understand that part but look, you have a mission. To me that means that is your primary focus. Think of the loss to others, should you give up. i mean, just consider it. There is a stumbling block at the moment, and seems an answer to this stumbling block needs to be found, unless i misunderstand you. I may have some ideas, so will likely pm you later if that is okay. i have some important work that is on a time crunch atm.

    You know, not too many people have a vision. Vision i understand very well. A mission i understand very well. i know the types of people who possess these and i essentially know what it takes, the drive it takes, for these things to happen.

    I wholeheartedly support anyone with efforts to get to work and focus on the things that really matter. i think in a way, i somewhat understand your passion. I want to see you commit yourself to this. As i've said, not many people out there with a vision or a mission, so to me, to find another who possess such, is worthy of support and encouragement. So let's brainstorm what we can do, so you can get on with helping others and improving things.

    You've piqued my interest, and basically what you are seeing sounds rather interesting to me. If it helps bring people together, helps them focus, and bottom-line, somehow gets folks working on things that truly matter, then i am very interested. You understand the importance of conveying that vision to others in a way they can embrace? Surrounding yourself with others who can help support that vision, who will also feel passionately about it, yes?

    I'm really sorry, i have a bit of work that is pressing on me due to a time-frame. Once i finish it I'll get back here and let's see what we can come up with. Surely there is something.

    i really don't want to see you discouraged.

    Will you be okay for a bit?
  13. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    I had a lot of ideas and semi-ideas but now I've run all out, especially because now I'd need something that would work in like three days or otherwise be definite enough that I'd feel okay begging someone to pay for my necessities for the time being -- that's why I'm here, there's nothing left. It seems unlikely that you would know any better than me about any opportunities that are possible for me. I check different job ads sites daily, I've even sent unsolicited letters to potential employers (and not a là "I'm desperate you must employ me", I've tried my best to seem nice and worthwhile).

    It's not a decision that I would make. I just literally can't think of any way that I could keep going. I've even considered the worst, illegal things but the last of my integrity gets in the way.

    I hope I didn't get your hopes up; it may not be that great, at least not according to your taste (well I don't know you at all, but). Though I could clarify: I think when it comes to certain topics, I'm capable of expressing ideas in a way that simply make sense and remove prior confusion, I've developed a way of total comprehension and thinking about problems, that I haven't really noticed in most average people. It comes naturally to me but I've noticed that other people tend to get stuck over the weirdest theoretical issues, like they're incapable of seeing the big picture. Maybe I'm deluded, maybe I don't think too differently than other people. But as I see it from here, I do, and I may have something significant to contribute, applying this mode of comprehension to modern philosophical problems and socio-political issues. Or at least some people's personal issues; I'm not really striving to be a big politician or anything.

    But also... I don't see myself as a teacher of any sort. I'm just not. (Maybe when I'm older and smarter?) I see myself as an artist. Not a visual artist so much (lack talent), but a writer-artist. There's things I'll need to express through art, there's things I'll need to BE instead of explaining them through theory. And not everyone is going to understand that.

    I want to be crystal clear about some things, and intentionally confusing about other things, and I don't want to draw a line between those two.

    The above sounds either pretentious or interesting. If it's interesting, then as I said (somewhere) I don't have anything of substance to show yet, I've just recently been finalizing this understanding of my vision and have been trying to figure out how I can start expressing that while also making sure I have the necessities to keep functioning.

    It sounds like I should be smart enough to fix my own problem, but I swear to god I was played the worst cards to start with, it's just not as easy for me as it may be for other people. But I think it's exactly those impossible difficulties that have helped me become what I am -- it was all necessary. I could live with that. Even if I'm suffering now I can appreciate that if it means I've learned something that others yet haven't. But I won't appreciate any of this at all if I suffered for no reason.

    And that might be the case. I'm sure there have been many people who had significant potential for something or other, but simply got stuck somewhere. It does happen, and I have no reason to believe that I'm special.

    Actually I think/thought I just had the last breakdown (after I last posted). I break down often but then I get over it and try something new. But now... I figured with the few days left I should hurry and start deleting my resources and other stuff off the computer (I don't want 'em to be found by others later), and for some of that I still need the net connection if I want to upload things to the internet somewhere before deleting them from here. (I guess I still have the faintest hope that some miracle will save me on the last second, and then I'll need my stuff again.)

    I'll likely be available to talk til the end of the month, though it's somewhat possible I won't see any reason to come back here.

    Again, thank you for talking to me, I really appreciate it.
  14. 1dayatatime

    1dayatatime Member

    I'm sorry you feel that way, but no one is blaming you. If anything, some of us know how draining it can be to fight when you've been on the brink for a lifetime and want peace of mind. You said getting help won't matter "in such a short time", which makes me sincerely worried. I'm sure you've probably spent many agonizing years/decades fighting this. If anything, your roommates clearly care enough to cover you. Even if you have spoken with those in your life, take one more chance, but be completely honest. Let them read these posts. What's the harm if you plan on escaping? Trust me from experience, they'll feel much worse if they don't have at least a chance to help.
  15. 1dayatatime

    1dayatatime Member

    I'm sorry you feel that way, but no one is blaming you. If anything, some of us know how draining it can be to fight when you've been on the brink for a lifetime and want peace of mind. You said getting help won't matter "in such a short time", which makes me sincerely worried. I'm sure you've probably spent many agonizing years/decades fighting this. If anything, your roommates clearly care enough to cover you. Even if you have spoken with those in your life, take one more chance, but be completely honest. Let them read these posts. What's the harm if you plan on escaping? Trust me from experience, they'll feel much worse if they don't have at least a chance to help.
  16. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You know why you are here because this is a support forum you know that and you that noone will help you with methods you know that
    You continue to come here because you want help because that is what this place is for support i hope you continue to reach out and get the support you need to stay stable here and in real life hugs
  17. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    1day, thank you for trying to help, but what you're saying doesn't apply to me.

    I don't have that kind of connections with people, with anyone. There's no one I can turn to and expect to be helped just because I asked nicely. It'd just be rude of me to expect to get something for nothing when they're just as poor as I am.

    I promise you I won't (continue). It was a mistake.
  18. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Re; current issue
    Hey i'm not too internet savvy, so i hope you can fumble through my response. I have no clue how to quote your prior convo.

    Okay. Remember, i don't possess all the info you do, and if you have provided this info to me, forgive me if i've misplaced it in my head. Anyway, is it in three days you lose your internet? If so, let's talk privately, I'm tapped out feeding/assisting people but i may know a resource for you (or perhaps someone here has the resources and kind heart to assist). It's not a hand out. You basically will pay it forward once you are solid on your feet, or by way of working on that vision of yours. So let's connect today, okay? Yeah? Maybe? I'm not trying to tell you what to do, never would do that to you, I just don't want you to lose hope, not yet. I can still see some for you, even if you cannot. ...and hey, from one person with vision to another, we need to support those working to improve things, in whatever ways we can.

    Oh, and let me state up front, anything you share with me will be kept private. Ultimately you make your own decisions. I''m not going to interfere in that, I have clear boundaries. Let's try?

    Also, i have a lot going on here, so don't think i've forgotten about you if you don't hear from me right away, likely i am juggling as quickly as i can. I actually have quite a mess going on myself. It's okay though.

    Re; illegal activity
    I've been there myself. I've always tried to maintain clear boundaries about things, and at times when there are so many needing help, and my personal resources are few, at those times (even now), I too have toyed with ideas/thoughts, my mind has wandered dipping into the potentially not so up and up ways that I could gain further resources to assist someone. I won't do that, but my head has surely gone there. Sigh, i guess i should not say i won't do that...if someone has a desperate need for food/shelter/warm clothing/medical i don't know what i would do but i suspect their need would weigh heavily on a decision based on what is right and what is wrong. For instance how right is it, for someone to suffer hunger or lack of urgent medical care compared too... Black and White thinking just doesn't apply in such circumstances.

    These times are trying for so many people. I would never blame anyone in this current state of affairs, for delving in some light form of illegal activity (as long as it hurts no one), in an effort to feed, shelter, continue themselves etc. Cannot judge a person for going there. It's sad they become that pressured, and trust me, i have seen it all, and all i feel is compassion towards those who do find themselves in that position. If someone is eating cat food (and yes i know ppl who do) how can I judge them lifting a head of broccoli? (and to everyone, NO, this is not open to debate so do not engage me in one)

    Re; Your Vision/working towards it
    Look, i don't know if it is to my tastes or not, usually a vision has a particular audience or target population or group. It really does not matter whether i am part of that population, as there are others for you to reach. If your vision is going to help refocus people, so they may begin to actively work on the real issues, actively do something, i suspect i would be supportive of your efforts. So few people have any vision, any passion, any motivations, that i find it important and worthwhile to encourage anyone who actually does. Anyone who actually cares and is willing to put forth the effort to do something, is worthy of our support. Does not have to jive with my personal agenda. It does sound interesting though. It takes a lot of work, it's often slow getting there, but it is surely worth the efforts.

    Hey, most of the people i know who have started something, have had rough times. i can tell you story after story of this. They struggle to get there but it's usually worth the efforts. It's a process, often slow, but enjoy the trip, even the down parts as they will be there. I don't think it has anything to do with whether you are smart enough, this economy is bad.

    It's rough and I do believe you when you say you were dealt a crappy hand (gentle hug), and i too have been there. Hey, it was never easy for me either (nor is it currently), nor for many i know who have gone on to contribute in some way. It is often a heavy burden and struggle, but most definitely worth the effort. Oftentimes the experience is worth the effort. Also, your vision may change or evolve over time as well, i hope you can find a way to enjoy the process and at various points, when you stop to reflect, I hope you can say; It's been worth it. A caution not to set everything in stone either, as i don't want to see you set yourself up to later bash yourself. Be gentle (and flexible) with you.

    Yeah, some people get stuck, but others fight like hell to continue despite odds stacked against them. some thrive, others fail, cannot make that judgement or make assumptions until one struggles heavily and works like hell to get there (and it sounds like you have been working hard). It's worth the struggle. The fight. A lot has to do with drive. So much i could say or share with you i just don't know which direction to go except right now, to focus on the immediate need, the immediate issue.

    I think uploading them to the internet is an excellent idea. I'd hate to see you toss away your work and resources. I truly don't wish to see you do that to yourself.

    Re; Being okay
    I'd hate to see you leave here. There are good folks here and there are some who can understand what you are saying/experiencing. Also, it can be a decent place to at least get some of your thoughts out, perhaps some of the frustration. The diary section is decent for this as well. I hope you don't toss away all these good folks here. You don't have to agree with everything they say, and some may not understand, but most will try too, just keep in mind their hearts are usually in the right place, and i think that is very important. I understand it can be frustrating though.
  19. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Kali.

    I PM replied to some of that.
  20. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Your welcome.

    Will check pm now. Also sent you email.
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