Just graduated. I want to kill myself. I don't think this is a "typical" deppression.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bennington, Jun 23, 2012.

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  1. Bennington

    Bennington New Member

    Wall of text, sorry.

    Possible trigger, read at your own risk.

    Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum. I really needed a place to put everything on the table, and to tell someone that I want to kill myself. I was close to telling my parents but they would immediately throw up a "insane!" card and send me to a psyche ward. Plus, I realized that was just a part of me hoping that the idea of killing myself would shock my parents into changing their ways with me (more on that later on in this post).

    I'm not sure where to start - there's so much - so I'll just continue typing. I'm an 18-year old girl and I graduated two days ago... Well, sort of. I missed the ceremony, which involves walking down the aisle to get one's diploma, and the throwing of the graduation caps. In other words, a milestone. I missed it.

    At the beginning of the year, I was selected to work on a video filled with photographs of the graduates. Every graduating student had to submit three baby photos and their grad photo. The deadline was in January and I received, perhaps, 30% of peoples' photographs. I couldn't even start the video until I received everyone's photos, and I actually only received (just about) all of them three days ago. And even then, I discovered that I was still missing one photo. I was very mad that these people had missed the deadline by months, but I figured I could finish it. Then, the head of the graduation committee informed me that I would have to do a second video, and this was two days before they would be shown at graduation! I worked for 12 hours on the first video, then the next day I was up until 6 in the morning trying to finish it... And I couldn't. It was nowhere close to being done, and the second video wasn't even started yet. The graduation ceremony was at 8 and I ended up missing it from exhaustion. My parents were distraught. My dad laughed in a very disappointed way and said, "we waited 12 years for this day... Haha!". My mom didn't care quite as much but both of them were very, very disappointed. I felt like I was at fault when I wasn't. I was held to an impossible standard and in a way, it was my fault for even bothering to do either video when the timeframe I had to do them both was so ridiculously unfair. But regardless, I missed that milestone where I could wear my white dress and get my diploma. The head of the graduation committee did not apologize at all for making me miss convocation, or telling me to still do the video even though the deadline for photos was back at the beginning of the year. She tried to guilt trip me into doing it by saying "you had a responsibility and you were the one who volunteered to make it". They had authority because they were leading the graduation developments, but authority is just another word for people who abuse power and don't care about anyone else.

    This leads me to talk more about my parents. My mother has an extremely low tolerance for disagreements and arguments. Today I went out for dinner with her, my only sister, and my dad, and it was a disaster. I am planning on taking a year off to work before heading to Vancouver for visual effects school (I'm a very talented artist), and in the meanwhile I was planning on getting a job for this summer to next fall. The problem is, I had been looking for one since December, almost seven months now, and I had no help from either of my parents. My dad insists to "do the job-hunting myself because it helps me be independent", but all it does is hinder my attempts. Everyone I know, who has a job, got that job because their parents or friends knew someone who could vouch for them in the job opening they saw. My parents don't care to do this. I'm never going to get a job. Whenever I ask to go drop off my resume and speak with a manager at a place I want to work at, it's either...

    - I don't have time.
    - Just send it in online.
    - We can do it later (and this never actually happens).

    And when I ask if my parents have connections or know people working at a place with a possible job opening, it's the classic "I don't know anyone like that".

    They don't listen to me. So anyways, at this dinner today, my sister (who is 15) suddenly brings up herself wanting a job, and my mom starts suggesting a whole bunch of places for her to work, and that she'd "put in a word for her". I didn't know she had so many friends with jobs that I was perfectly capable of working for/at, but she never let me know. I walked away from the table because I was incredibly upset, and when we got home, my mom starts calling up my dad to vent (my parents are divorced). She's like, "I won't take her abuse anymore!" and stuff. I didn't do anything. She continues on, "this is juvenile behavior and she is a young lady!"... Once again, it was very tense at dinner and I felt like I was going to cry. I didn't show it so I just said I would have to leave, and I did.

    I have never felt like the favourite child. When I do speak up about it, and sometimes even get mad, my mom will shoot me down and argue with what I'm feeling - unfair treatment and bitterness.

    This is one of many instances - when I try to argue - where my mother flips out and begins to say things like "she is so mean to me!", and she even starts saying things like "no one cares about me" and "I'm done, I can't do this anymore". I have also heard her on many occasions, once at a psychologist, saying that she is suicidal. This is the kind of depression that is a cry for attention, and she's getting help for it, but I'm not depressed in this way.

    This behavior from my mom has been occurring for years now, probably since I was 10.

    Why do I want to kill myself? There's quite a few reasons; the fact that my parents hinder me more than help by trying to make me "independent" is one of them.

    Another reason is that I find this world absolutely pathetic. People listen to the worst music, they don't understand that half the "popular" pop garbage is manufactured and basically a product of money-grubbers. Artists with tons of talent that actually sing about good subjects instead of "being in da club" and "looking at all da girls" get labeled as "bad", or "stupid", or for "nerds" - which is exactly what my sister says to me when I listen to my Linkin Park music. She hasn't known any better, which makes me sad. She doesn't try to look for anything better, because she thinks the best stuff out there is what she knows. Myself, I'm always looking for something better, something with real instruments, real homemade music, oldies...

    People are called outcasts and introverts when they don't fit in. I've never been interested in Hannah Montana, or shopping until I'm broke, or wasting $5 on a massive Starbucks drink every two days, which many of my classmates did. And the sad thing is, no one in my class was like me. One person had the same interests as me, but they left the country years ago. Everyone "likes" me, they will talk to me without rolling their eyes or finding me annoying. But I don't have any real friends that will call me up and say, "hey, how are you today?". My parents always say, "why don't you call someone to go out with or do something with?" and when I say I don't want to, they call me an introvert and say I will end up being a hermit. Absolutely disgusting. This is not my fault.

    My sister (yeah, I know I'm using her as an example again but it's the best way to get this across) has a crap load of friends. She's that person who listens to t-pain and artists who overabuse autotune, anything with a beat but with either extremely misogynistic, disgusting or terrible lyrics. She takes everything at face value and because of this she comes across as, to me, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Meanwhile, I care about what commercial artists I support and I look into things I'm not sure about, but where are my friends? People say "what the hell is this?" when I draw something that is related to a movie I like but no one else watches, like Fight Club or Taxi Driver.

    And advertising is a bunch of b.s.; I see it every day. People like my sister are brainwashed into getting crappy music, products and garbage because their teen magazines say so. She has no appreciation for artistic television. I watch Breaking Bad, and she watches Jersey Shore, Kim Kardashian. Is it just me, or does she not see that this idiotic fascination with those people makes her look stupid? And practically everyone else I meet is like this.

    They cannot open their eyes.

    And I feel like I've opened my own eyes to the point where I can't open them any wider. I see all this b.s. in the world and no one listens to me. I'm not considering killing myself because I'm "depressed" in the truest sense of the word. I want to kill myself because I am one of very few people that see how sick and vile this world is.

    There are good things. My boyfriend is incredible and he shares my interests. He is kind and doesn't hang out with the crowd that smokes and drinks, and he he modest; he tells me if he's uncomfortable. And he looks like the person I've envisioned myself being with for the rest of my life. He loves me and I love him; if I don't want to do something, he doesn't coerce me into doing it. I'm too young to say anything for sure, but I really think things would've worked out between us. And I've shown many visual effects schools my portfolio and they've all offered me acceptance into their programs, so I know I could land that dream job of working on special effects in movies or TV shows.

    But I don't think this is enough. I really don't want to hear the "your parents will miss you" stuff, because I really can't care at this point. They may love me, but they have failed as parents because they never show it. And as one would say, "your feelings and thoughts do nothing if you don't show them". My parents both said certain things to me after I missed my graduation ceremony that made me think, "was the whole point of me living just so they could see me walk down the aisle in my white grad dress?". I seriously feel like a lost cause to my parents because of this. This thought/feeling is probably my emotional reaction to their own reaction about me missing grad, but it is also hard evidence that people put too much value on what I do, instead of who I am. We are all, as people, too judgmental. I know there are others like me out there but I have not found them. I've met enough people so there should've been a few others like me, who are more "awake", but considering how many people I have met already, it seems I would have to meet an entire country to be able to pick out one or two people I could call my friend.

    What do I do? This is barely a cry for "help". I just want to be assured that I'm right before I do this. I'm not insane, and I don't need psychiatric help. I've actually asked my parents to see a psychologist to be able to vent and talk about how to deal with all this stuff, and he's told me that there's nothing wrong with me; it's just that many people have failed to grow up past the stages where they accept everything and question nothing. And this is so true. So don't say "get help". And I think it's SO sad that people are often stigmatized when they say they want to kill themselves or say they're depressed, just because the world isn't kind to them. But I'm taking it a step further and saying that I KNOW the world isn't just unkind to me, but others. So this entire situation isn't anecdotal; I know others feel the same way, wherever or whoever they may be.

    I'm off for the rest of the year and my parents are still working weekdays, so it would be easy to just turn my car on in the garage (I haven't gotten my license yet because my parents passed on a lot of bad habits to me when I was learning, like "not completely stopping at stop signs because the person behind me will get impatient"; I've been driving with my boyfriend's mother, who is an incredible person, to learn proper driving techniques) and <edit moderator total eclipse method>

    Somebody tell me something I don't already know. Heck, if you don't want to post here, I'll do a skype or voice chat.

    I feel like no one takes a moment to see how fucked up everything has become, and that I am more aware of everything that is happening. People cannot see eye-to-eye with me. You might think I feel that I don't deserve to live, but you're wrong. I feel that this world DOESN'T DESERVE ME.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2012
  2. angeljazz

    angeljazz Member

    Re: Just graduated. I want to kill myself. I don't think this is a "typical" deppress

    I think you care a little too much about what the world is doing and not enough about what you're doing. You might have the same problem I have--too much time on your hands and not enough things to do. If you create a deeper purpose for yourself, like volunteering, walking an older person's dog, painting murals for local places, etc, you might feel a little less like killing yourself. It's hard to find that "purpose" though because it's something only you can choose to find meaning in. Good luck on your journey. **** all those posers; you're the real deal. Don't let the world miss out on the fresh things you can express to them. You might wake a few people up.

    I also wanted to say that no parents are perfect. They're people, just like you and me. Some of them are not really suited to be parents. I used have a love/hate relationship with mine, but I realized that my parents are just human: they're afraid of change, they think they're right, they don't always have gloriously intelligent things to say. Sometimes they try the best they can with what traits were given to them. If you treat them as beings who sometimes mess up, you might feel a little differently about them. We're all human and we all deserve love and kindness. It sounds like your mom might have a depression issue. Have you ever sat down and talked to her about it?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2012
  3. Bennington

    Bennington New Member

    Re: Just graduated. I want to kill myself. I don't think this is a "typical" deppress

    Hi angeljazz,

    Thanks for the response. I think you hit the nail right on the head. I know my parents may love me, I've grown up in their household that has, essentially, allowed them (mainly my mother) to scapegoat me for all my life because I'm a bit "different" than the rest of my family. She always claims that I'm the source of arguments and problems, and because of this I may have developed something of a complex that I don't need her anymore, or that she's "lesser" than I am. And it's also hard to meet people, because I'm afraid of how they'll react towards the kind of person I am. So I usually stay at home and only go out when I feel like it - I have no problem with this, personally - but my parents take it as I'm being antisocial. I was very occupied this year and now that you mention it, I didn't really have much to do. I'm not sure how much this fits into my situation, but I'm going to be bowling and taking drumming lessons this summer so maybe that will lessen what I'm feeling.

    I've sat down with her many times, usually the conversation goes something like this.

    Me: Hey, mom, are you feeling okay?
    Mom: Yes, why?
    Me: I think you may be depressed.
    Mom: Oh, I'm not depressed. I just have a lot on my mind right now. What about you, are you okay?
    Me: Yeah.
    Mom: Because there's a new medication on the market that's supposed to really help people who are depressed. Want to try it? (Really casually)
    Me: No, I'm not depressed and the last time you put me on medication, nothing happened because I wasn't depressed.

    So I'm genuinely at a loss. It's kinda like she just projects it onto me. Either that, or she just shakes her head in a scoffing manner and says, "no, I'm not depressed".
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