Just had a complete breakdown

[darkrider]

I don't quite know what's wrong with me anymore.

I left the dinner table before and came up here crying my eyes out. I was feeling depressed so i was quiet at the table as usual, and my dad had a go at me saying i cant even be bothered talking anymore. Snap out of it etc.

I dont like being shouted at but it made me feel more that they have no idea about me. Of course they have no idea about these issues and torments. I came down and my mum was there to console me but I feel terrible because now she feels down through having to witness me crying and feeling at a loss with what to do.

Upstairs I was crying thinking about killing myself when no one is here, but at the same time scared of doing it. I don't want to be here any more, I havent for a long time, but im just so hopeless. I wish there was a simple off switch.

It's not that i'm only depressed. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm too scared/anxious to get a job, too lethargic to look for one, and have no enthusiasm for anything. I don't want to be this way. I feel I maybe suffering from 'depersonalization' because I don't feel anything. This can't be my life. I'm in a daze. All day i'll just stare into the computer or eat or even go for a walk but then I feel totally alienated and self conscious. I walk with my head down and I never know what to do with my hands. So much time alone had damaged my mind.

I don't want to be a part of this world no more but I don't want to hurt my mother. What is life if all I do is suffer every day :sad:

 

[Hotwaffles]

I'm sorry things are going bad for you, but you just have to hang in there.

I'm kind of in your same situation, too anxious to get a job, sitting on the computer most of the day, usually sleep all day from depression. But don't kill yourself, that's not good at all, one day you'll be glad you never went through with it.

PM me if you need someone to talk to. :drunk:

 

[mdmefontaine]

sorry for how you are feeling right now. . .. don't feel bad for your mom 'having' to console you and see you cry - that's her job! we moms do that because we love you. . .. i hope it helped some.

i am glad you reached out and shared - please stay with us, and lean on us while you are so down.....stay alive. . and there is always the chance of things getting better -

and i am here anytime if you need to talk - and as you already know - many of us are. . . . :hug:

 

[jenn90]

I was going through the same thing a few years ago. I was always alone and crying in my room, hoping somebody would help me. I wanted to kill myself but I didn't want to hurt my mother, too. I went to school and felt like a ghost. Nervous all the time - I even got health problems :unsure:

What I want to tell you is that you have people (your mother) worrying about you, don't run away from her, let her help you. It's hard to feel positive when you don't even want to be alive... I don't know how old you are but try figuring your future out. Go against your ego - it's telling you to give it up, that it's easier to be lazy and cry. Show yourself that you can do it, you can 'rescue' yourself!

I wish you the best, PM if ya want!

 

[Stranger1]

Hello Darkrider,
You don't have to deal with this alone. It sounds like your mom is very supportive of you..Why not say mom can we go for a walk I need to talk to you..That way you are on equal ground and feel a little more comfortable. Tell her what is going on..It will probably shock her at first but she loves you and that will take presidence over any other feelings she might have.
You really need to get this out. If it means going to the hospital then go..If she decides a therapist will help then go..You will always have us also for support and for what ever advice we can give. Take care of your self now...It is time to heal yourself!! Take Care and feel free to PM any of us if you want to talk privately!!!