I joined a few days ago, not because anyone forced me, asked me, or even told me. I joined because I felt like I had no one, and that there had to be someplace for me to go. I'm still really nervous and unsure around this site, and I don't feel like I belong...again. It's not because of the people here, everyone is wonderful, but I feel like I'll just get better and move on, that what I'm going through isn't as bad as others, so why should I get attention?
I've never been sexually abused, been through abusive relationships, and my family doesn't live to see the end of my existance. I'm going off to college in the fall, in a good relationship with a great girl for more than 2 years, and I guess I have good friends (even if they are assholes sometimes). I have the rest of my life to live for, right?
But right now, things...I don't know how to describe them. I guess I'll start at the beginning.
At a young age, my dad physically abused me. He wasn't a drunk, and it wasn't continual, but I've been thrown across rooms, slapped hard in the face, and cowered while my mom tries to protect me from my raging father. It's hard to talk about, because I was so young, and it hurts, but it's hard to really know what went on for certain. All I know is that I hate it when people yell, and it sends me back to the age of an 7 year old or younger, helpless against the world.
What makes it worse is that I'm becoming like my father. I am prone to violent outbursts, and I usually inflict harm when i am harm, either physically or emotionally. I've stabbed my friend in the arm with a pencil, just because he punched me since i was being annoying. So fucked up.
Then there is the feeling of never fitting in. Sure, I've had a good friend, even a few good friends, but over the years, school was at its worst, at least socially. I moved around as a little kid, or moved to diffrent schools, so i never developed friendships since elementary school, except for one. Even then, we've grown distant, we dont talk about the important things anymore. I'm accustomed to the fact that I will never fit in, so why try?
Also in middle school there was a situation that feeds my self hatred. No amount of repenting can clean that up.
I also hate myself. Not just a hating, simmering resentment to myself. No, im a fuckup, im the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone. No...thats not right. That is just something that came out in this rant, but that isnt it. No, its a hatred of ultimate betrayal. I betrayed myself, my ideals, the very thing that made me who i am. After breaking that bond, that trust in myself, I can't trust myself with anything, cause I wont be able to go through with it. Im so unworthy of anything, even to myself. Its a perspective that makes me almost feel sorry for my girlfriend, why is she even bothering? I hate telling other people this, (which i have recently) and it makes me sick. I am making thier lives worse, Im making them depressed, cause I'm in this mess. I see that they hug me, tell me its okay, but i feel like im just a burden on the rest.
I'll illuminate my ideals a little bit, because then you'll understand. My dad as I've said, was abusive. My mom was an alcoholic for years, and i just found out a few years ago. So, she was drunk probably for most of my life. They fought a lot, and I always ran into the bathroom, or outside, because i was scared. Scared that my dad might yell for me, and then I'd probably get hit again. Growing up, I held a very naive hope that got me through this time. It was my little plant, just taking root and I did everything to keep it alive. My hope was that I would grow up, find a nice, pretty girl, and we would love each other. Not just in the sense of the word, that we cared for, supported each other, or were so attracted to each other that we threw off our clothes at every moment, but in the most simple terms. Love meant happiness, warmth, and safety.
And then with my first girlfriend, that was the biggest mistake ever. I went out with her, in 8th grade, a little because i was slightly interested, but she had a big crush on me. Problem is, that we had nothing in common. Absolutely nothing. We would IM for nights with nothing but...nothing. Why didn't we break up? At least on my end, i didn't want to, not in a million years. She was my first girlfriend, THE girl, the one that might make me happy with love. I was, and still am, stubborn, hopelessly stubborn in that way, even though I've moved on to my second girlfriend, now of two years. Anyway, back to the relationship with my first girlfriend. We made out one day, and then things started going downhill. We snuck out to see each other, but it was really only to make out. When we were together, we would be together just long enough to make out, and then leave. It got to the point that we progressed to the point of having sex, and it was a relationship ultimately devoid of any warmth or even any support, or common ground. We were together just because of making out/sex and the fear that we didnt want to be alone. Not to mention there was incredible fear after each time we "went too far" and we weren't prepared. Nothing ever happened as far as pregnancy, but the fear was there.
Then my parents caught me sneaking out, after my girlfriend had been caught by her parents upon coming inside. I swear, there is nothing worse than admitting to your parents, the very ones that you DIDNT EVER WANT TO BECOME, that you were off having sex in the middle of the night. Im not sure how i can express this, but my mom gave me a stare without words. I can only describe it in its emotions. Her eyes rang of fury, but of intense disappointment and sadness. It is one of those rare times where we have no words for such a feature in our language.
Sophomore year came around, and I basically became an automaton. Life was just get up, put on my happy face, and go and do schoolwork. I largely did what i always did, and brush off all my problems, forgotten for the moment.
Then tragedy struck. Dramatic, i know, but i dont know what else to call it. My sister tried to commit suicide. It hurt, but mostly by the fact that my family brushed me aside, even when i wanted to help. They told me that i should just go to my videogames, while my sister was potentially fighting for her life upstairs. I felt betrayed, useless, and at the same time, furious at my sister, for not wanting me. Am i so worthless that i can't even support my family emotionally? Fuck them all.
There was also an emptiness within myself, like my girlfriend snatched something essential away and ran away, never to return. I tried filling in that hole in the spring, hopelessly throwing myself at girls, hoping that they would ever take me. One did, and I would have to say that she is my savior, or at least, someone who delayed my thoughts until now. Without here, i probably would have been here much sooner. Over the years, we have loved, and fought, and cried together, and she is essential to my life. However, I also can't really talk to her, cause she doesn't know. I wont tell her story, but we come from similar families. The best she says is "Can you fix it?" If yes, then she says do it, and if no, she says forget about it. I know she only means the best.
Now occasionally in the past, i would look at things like knives, or be in a car, and have a split second thought of ending my life. It would come, even when i was happy. These thoughts were uncontrolled, and happened on their own. More on that later.
senior year, I began in a funk. It was a depressive funk of I just couldn't do anything. I didn't want to do school, didn't want to apply to college, and it was hard to just do things like write, which I at least, used to love. By March it progressed to not wanting to deal with life anymore. It seemed almost oppressive to me, and i just didn't want to go on anymore. The flashes of danger also became more common, but i didn't know what to make of it. Just because i didn't want to deal with life doesn't mean i wanted to end it.
We also used my senior year as a time of moving. My parents moved to DC after my graduation, so right now im living with a friend. I say its okay, but i feel almost like they are abandoning me again. We also had to put the dog down, understandably so, but still...i loved that dog.
During the spring, i started looking at smoking. Just looked at people who smoked, and i donno, a fascination took hold. I never ever wanted to in the past, but there was something alluring to it now. Also, my flashes of my death were becoming more common, and my girlfriend and i were coming to deal with our separation this coming year (she is a year behind academically me). It got to the point where serious doubt entered our relationship, which it had before on my part, but i also told her that i was having those brief suicidla thoughts, wanted to smoke, and another personal issue. That effectively destroyed her trust in me. We are still together, but i dont feel like im worthy of her anymore.
This brings me to where i am right now. Before I could just forget things or just put them off on the side, but they were never resolved. People just said i should move on, and I effectively "moved on" if that means just forget it by the wayside. Though at the same time, how can i FUCKING MOVE ON??? its impossible to just wish it all away, or pretend it never happened. MY DAD HIT ME AS A KID WHEN I LOOKED UP TO HIM, AND MY MOM WAS DRUNK OUTTA HER MIND I CANT TRUST MYSELF CAUSE I BROKE MY PROMISE TO MYSELF IM WORTHLESS IM A FUCK UP I LIED TO MY GIRLFRIEND I DONT WANT TO BE HERE I LOOK AT CUTTING LIKE SOMEONE DREAMS OF A LOVED ONE im totally worthless, why do i even bother
sorry, that is just my mind right now. ever since i listened to the new blue october CD, its like my means of forgetting have vanished. its filled up, and i cant just forget anymore
heh, now that ive written all of this, it makes a little more sense that im here right now. im still fucked up, and i am probably going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. sorry if this is a trigger to anyone, and i know ive probably left something out.
I didnt put this in the diary section because i want feedback, i want people to respond, so yeah
I've never been sexually abused, been through abusive relationships, and my family doesn't live to see the end of my existance. I'm going off to college in the fall, in a good relationship with a great girl for more than 2 years, and I guess I have good friends (even if they are assholes sometimes). I have the rest of my life to live for, right?
But right now, things...I don't know how to describe them. I guess I'll start at the beginning.
At a young age, my dad physically abused me. He wasn't a drunk, and it wasn't continual, but I've been thrown across rooms, slapped hard in the face, and cowered while my mom tries to protect me from my raging father. It's hard to talk about, because I was so young, and it hurts, but it's hard to really know what went on for certain. All I know is that I hate it when people yell, and it sends me back to the age of an 7 year old or younger, helpless against the world.
What makes it worse is that I'm becoming like my father. I am prone to violent outbursts, and I usually inflict harm when i am harm, either physically or emotionally. I've stabbed my friend in the arm with a pencil, just because he punched me since i was being annoying. So fucked up.
Then there is the feeling of never fitting in. Sure, I've had a good friend, even a few good friends, but over the years, school was at its worst, at least socially. I moved around as a little kid, or moved to diffrent schools, so i never developed friendships since elementary school, except for one. Even then, we've grown distant, we dont talk about the important things anymore. I'm accustomed to the fact that I will never fit in, so why try?
Also in middle school there was a situation that feeds my self hatred. No amount of repenting can clean that up.
I also hate myself. Not just a hating, simmering resentment to myself. No, im a fuckup, im the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone. No...thats not right. That is just something that came out in this rant, but that isnt it. No, its a hatred of ultimate betrayal. I betrayed myself, my ideals, the very thing that made me who i am. After breaking that bond, that trust in myself, I can't trust myself with anything, cause I wont be able to go through with it. Im so unworthy of anything, even to myself. Its a perspective that makes me almost feel sorry for my girlfriend, why is she even bothering? I hate telling other people this, (which i have recently) and it makes me sick. I am making thier lives worse, Im making them depressed, cause I'm in this mess. I see that they hug me, tell me its okay, but i feel like im just a burden on the rest.
I'll illuminate my ideals a little bit, because then you'll understand. My dad as I've said, was abusive. My mom was an alcoholic for years, and i just found out a few years ago. So, she was drunk probably for most of my life. They fought a lot, and I always ran into the bathroom, or outside, because i was scared. Scared that my dad might yell for me, and then I'd probably get hit again. Growing up, I held a very naive hope that got me through this time. It was my little plant, just taking root and I did everything to keep it alive. My hope was that I would grow up, find a nice, pretty girl, and we would love each other. Not just in the sense of the word, that we cared for, supported each other, or were so attracted to each other that we threw off our clothes at every moment, but in the most simple terms. Love meant happiness, warmth, and safety.
And then with my first girlfriend, that was the biggest mistake ever. I went out with her, in 8th grade, a little because i was slightly interested, but she had a big crush on me. Problem is, that we had nothing in common. Absolutely nothing. We would IM for nights with nothing but...nothing. Why didn't we break up? At least on my end, i didn't want to, not in a million years. She was my first girlfriend, THE girl, the one that might make me happy with love. I was, and still am, stubborn, hopelessly stubborn in that way, even though I've moved on to my second girlfriend, now of two years. Anyway, back to the relationship with my first girlfriend. We made out one day, and then things started going downhill. We snuck out to see each other, but it was really only to make out. When we were together, we would be together just long enough to make out, and then leave. It got to the point that we progressed to the point of having sex, and it was a relationship ultimately devoid of any warmth or even any support, or common ground. We were together just because of making out/sex and the fear that we didnt want to be alone. Not to mention there was incredible fear after each time we "went too far" and we weren't prepared. Nothing ever happened as far as pregnancy, but the fear was there.
Then my parents caught me sneaking out, after my girlfriend had been caught by her parents upon coming inside. I swear, there is nothing worse than admitting to your parents, the very ones that you DIDNT EVER WANT TO BECOME, that you were off having sex in the middle of the night. Im not sure how i can express this, but my mom gave me a stare without words. I can only describe it in its emotions. Her eyes rang of fury, but of intense disappointment and sadness. It is one of those rare times where we have no words for such a feature in our language.
Sophomore year came around, and I basically became an automaton. Life was just get up, put on my happy face, and go and do schoolwork. I largely did what i always did, and brush off all my problems, forgotten for the moment.
Then tragedy struck. Dramatic, i know, but i dont know what else to call it. My sister tried to commit suicide. It hurt, but mostly by the fact that my family brushed me aside, even when i wanted to help. They told me that i should just go to my videogames, while my sister was potentially fighting for her life upstairs. I felt betrayed, useless, and at the same time, furious at my sister, for not wanting me. Am i so worthless that i can't even support my family emotionally? Fuck them all.
There was also an emptiness within myself, like my girlfriend snatched something essential away and ran away, never to return. I tried filling in that hole in the spring, hopelessly throwing myself at girls, hoping that they would ever take me. One did, and I would have to say that she is my savior, or at least, someone who delayed my thoughts until now. Without here, i probably would have been here much sooner. Over the years, we have loved, and fought, and cried together, and she is essential to my life. However, I also can't really talk to her, cause she doesn't know. I wont tell her story, but we come from similar families. The best she says is "Can you fix it?" If yes, then she says do it, and if no, she says forget about it. I know she only means the best.
Now occasionally in the past, i would look at things like knives, or be in a car, and have a split second thought of ending my life. It would come, even when i was happy. These thoughts were uncontrolled, and happened on their own. More on that later.
senior year, I began in a funk. It was a depressive funk of I just couldn't do anything. I didn't want to do school, didn't want to apply to college, and it was hard to just do things like write, which I at least, used to love. By March it progressed to not wanting to deal with life anymore. It seemed almost oppressive to me, and i just didn't want to go on anymore. The flashes of danger also became more common, but i didn't know what to make of it. Just because i didn't want to deal with life doesn't mean i wanted to end it.
We also used my senior year as a time of moving. My parents moved to DC after my graduation, so right now im living with a friend. I say its okay, but i feel almost like they are abandoning me again. We also had to put the dog down, understandably so, but still...i loved that dog.
During the spring, i started looking at smoking. Just looked at people who smoked, and i donno, a fascination took hold. I never ever wanted to in the past, but there was something alluring to it now. Also, my flashes of my death were becoming more common, and my girlfriend and i were coming to deal with our separation this coming year (she is a year behind academically me). It got to the point where serious doubt entered our relationship, which it had before on my part, but i also told her that i was having those brief suicidla thoughts, wanted to smoke, and another personal issue. That effectively destroyed her trust in me. We are still together, but i dont feel like im worthy of her anymore.
This brings me to where i am right now. Before I could just forget things or just put them off on the side, but they were never resolved. People just said i should move on, and I effectively "moved on" if that means just forget it by the wayside. Though at the same time, how can i FUCKING MOVE ON??? its impossible to just wish it all away, or pretend it never happened. MY DAD HIT ME AS A KID WHEN I LOOKED UP TO HIM, AND MY MOM WAS DRUNK OUTTA HER MIND I CANT TRUST MYSELF CAUSE I BROKE MY PROMISE TO MYSELF IM WORTHLESS IM A FUCK UP I LIED TO MY GIRLFRIEND I DONT WANT TO BE HERE I LOOK AT CUTTING LIKE SOMEONE DREAMS OF A LOVED ONE im totally worthless, why do i even bother
sorry, that is just my mind right now. ever since i listened to the new blue october CD, its like my means of forgetting have vanished. its filled up, and i cant just forget anymore
heh, now that ive written all of this, it makes a little more sense that im here right now. im still fucked up, and i am probably going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. sorry if this is a trigger to anyone, and i know ive probably left something out.
I didnt put this in the diary section because i want feedback, i want people to respond, so yeah
