So this happens from time to time. I become really conflicted for one reason or another. So I do the only thing I can do... bother other people with it. This is what happens when you have no one in real life you can trust with your insecurities... oh well.. sorry for taking up the forum space. Anyway, I have been recently conflicted with myself about whether or not to pick up trying to be good with females again. Around February, during the longest part of my job hunt, I guess I had a mental snap... Between the hate of my old job and my anxiety from interviewing. I just was thrown into a huge depression. I decreed that I am just genetically flawed. Other human beings can see, smell, hear.. whatever that I am a loser from the second any one of these senses are touched by me. From there I am instantly labeled as garbage barely worth being stepped on for a boost. The only thing that most people see is a wallet. They figure I am a huge loser and a sucker. Chances are that I will not be able to see through their using of me until they have gotten what they need. I direct this heavily at females. I know that there is a part of me that hates females. If I had no sex drive I would have no use for them at all. They just ruin my world. So I say that most see me as free drinks or a free meal or if I am lucky as a placeholder. Of course I will get nothing out of this. I might get a hug, but that is it. No sex or anything from it. So why even bother right? So now that I have a new job I am feeling better. I mean I am feeling WAY better. I am out of the shitty job that I hate. Plus I get to work from home. So I get to stay inside and be away from people 90% of the time. In the 3 weeks since I got this new job. I have only ventured outside in a social sort of medium once. The rest I have been looking for food or going to the gym. With the anxiety of being in an office gone I feel much better. With this feeling better comes an annoying bit of... I guess you would call it hope. The world is less bleak, the world is more bright. Maybe all of this stuff is just in my head. Maybe I just want to believe it because that way responsibility falls off of me. If I am stuck with flawed genes then I just have to accept it right? It is like all my depression was caused by my old job. I of course swing back and forth. I had one such trigger yesterday. I had a new friend from another forum friend me on Facebook. After seeing pictures of me she asked me how come I am so insecure. She said I am rather handsome and all that jazz. It is easy to get angry at that. I mean after all if I am so gosh darn good-looking Why the hell am I just not being showered with potential mates? Why is it that when I go out I am alone and no one talks to me? So like I said it is easy to fly off the handle. I mean I get so tired of hearing that I am handsome... that is all I hear... I do not know if people are just trying to boost my self-esteem or if they are being sincere. That drives me insane, I wish I could figure it out. Another trigger that has hit me recently is there is a conference for the PUA book that I like. It is not till October, but they are getting the pre-registration going now. I cannot afford it this year. I mean their crappy ticket which just gets you into the lectures is $1000. I have a goal of trying to get a house and move... so... that can wait. Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because a few months ago I actually went out with some guys from the forum and received some advice and at least talked to females. It was fun relaxing and I felt pretty damn good afterwards. I am sure plenty of you can find my posts from that time. Yet another thing that makes me doubt my original claims. I mean I could just be riding the high from actually talking to someone... but still. My mind trickles back to knowing that there was a time when I was ok. I know that it comes when I feel accepted. Something I do not feel when I am out with my soon to be roommate. Another reason I am skeptical of these feelings. Because I have a soon to be roommate coming to me. Yeah that makes no sense bite me. Anyway, he responds with shock to anything that I do that is out of the ordinary. Not the surprised shock. The shock of annoyance and disappointment. When I am around him I just feel like I cannot change without the fear of being alienated by him. All of my friends are that way. They fear change within me. I do not know why. Again, right now I am alone. This friend is about as reclusive as me so. he will be around a lot more you know... uhh I just do not know what to do. All these feelings take me back to the time with the ex. I can safely say that when I was with the ex I was happy. Well most of the time when I was with the ex. When the sex started to drop off the suicidal self-hate came back. I am not kidding, that is why I started to feel down. Yeah hate me if you will, but that is the only thing I can think of. After all, for 3 years I was happy and not suicidal. Those 3 years I had sex. When I had her but no sex I was depressed. So that is my justification. Anyway, she really hurt me when she said she had to give this other guy a fair chance. Is it just me or if you are saying stuff like that. Doesn't that mean that there was no chance to begin with? Anyway, I went through a lot of different feelings. Again, check the forum I am sure you can find those feelings on here. At the end I settled on revenge. I wanted to change myself for the better. I wanted to become such an amazing sexy guy. That she would not even recognize me. I also secretly harbored a desire to seduce her, have an affair with her, then once that relationship was ruined dump her. All hoping that I would be able to reveal who I am at the very end. Anyway those feelings start to come up. That desire to never feel miserable like that again. To have everything that I wanted to have all that kind of stuff. It gets really annoying. SO anyway I am not sure what I am going to do. I think a lot of my feelings are coming back because of me being distracted. I am setting a lot of goals and stuff. I am figuring out a new diet. I am trying to pack to move. I am figuring out a good savings plan. I have to say I am swamped with stuff. So I do not know what to do or make of these feelings. They feel fragile though. Especially the social hopes one. I mean that is not like working out where I can measure the results... with physical numbers... I do not know... I just hate this feeling of being torn. It makes me feel hypocritical and that makes me want to die. Anyway, thanks for reading. If you have any thoughts feel free to give them. Otherwise thanks for hearing me.