I haven't been on this for a while. Just like the state i am 2 months clear of self harming. I am quite proud, feels longer though and i havent thought about suicide for the same amount. My life started looking up. Yes "started". I might sound like a whiny girl with the same problems as every other teenager but it still affects me. My parents were being nice to me, giving me more freedom and accepting my boyfriend somewhat. Then i was going to go downstairs yesterday to see if anyone wanted a hot drink when i overheard their conversation with my grandparents. They were saying that i was a emo, loner, lazy, bone idle, that i didnt deserve my summer job and i didnt deserve the life i had. It cut deep, especially when my grandparents agreed with them. I wish i had the courage to walk up to my parents and tell them the only reason i stay in my room is because of their arguing. They argue like every other married couple, over small things but instead of turning their anger on each other they turn it on me, their least favourite child. My sister gave them their first grandchild (though they told me if i got pregnant i would be disowned even though my sister was pregnant at 15 and i am 17. And i dont want a kid btw) and my brother is young enough to be moulded into whatever, still young enough to right his mistakes. Okay i am sort of lazy, i like to put things off but if someone asks me to do something i will, IE cleaning the house and sometimes i will do this without someone asking me. My room sometimes is a mess but that is a college student right? And i like to hang with my mates on the weekends but this is apparently not productive. They say i do nothing. Its summer and my mates are relaxing having parties. I am working 40 hours a week Monday to Friday 8-5. How is this nothing? and when i finish the summer holidays i am going right back into college, they call me lazy i think because some days i don't have to go in so i take the time to relax. And if i am relaxing i am being lazy. But i know if i told them this my parents would hit me, shout at me or kick me out the house then get my family to be mad at me too by exaggerating the facts (trust me they have done this plenty of times before). I cant wait to leave this house. Uni in two years, moving to London (despite my parents wishes for me to stay close to home, HA yeah right like i would do that!) to study Paramedical sciences (which my parents are dissapointed in me for) Another thing i dont know how to deal with. My parents say i can spend my wages on what ever i want. I brought GH: Metallica. They were "dissapointed" in me. I want to get a Bass Guitar. I have been wanting one for weeks and have tried out a few instruments round my boyfriends to see what fits me better (he is a musican) i already have a keyboard, i have tried the guitar, the flute, bass, drums, and others and i love the bass, the solid sounds and the thick strings that you can easily pluck its awesome. My parents hate my hobbies. And what will they think if i get one? I already have a friend who is a bassist and is willing to teach me. So i have my plans sorted out. I just want a new hobby. I love music. AHHHHH! i dont know what to do. They give me freedom but then say things to get me down for making such decisions. "yes you can go out with your mates AGAIN." "what are you doing" "relaxing" "relaxing? what do you need to relax for? you have done fuck all" "I've been working all week mum" "so have i. Me and your father will have words with you later"