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Just Hide It

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Miss Invisible, Feb 14, 2015.

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  1. Miss Invisible

    Miss Invisible Well-Known Member

    After years of hiding my pain, masking what's really wrong, or just turning my cheek, I can't keep it in any longer. By not talking to anyone about my inner pain, it has found other ways to manifest itself in me and my life. It won't let me pacify the war in my head anymore. It seems like everyday I lose a little more of myself. I have insomnia so severe that I'm lucky if I get 2 hours of sleep a night. I worry constantly, my anxiety is in overdrive. And of course, I'm depressed. My life has taken a nose dive into the dirt. I push everyone away mostly because I know eventually something painful will happen, mostly they will leave me. So I auto protect, my walls are very high and made of steel. My truest friend is my dog, pathetic I know. I'm scared of life and mainly stay in my home letting my mind reverberate all the negatives I've ever had. I absolutely hate who I've become. I have so many painful memories, it seems that they are overtaking the good ones. I am becoming my pain. I can make excuses and say it's because I went through difficulties like being a teen mom, or waking up to a man raping me at a party while on vacation with a friend and having my friend turn her back on me, then coming home to my boyfriend telling him I was raped, showing him the bruises in between my thighs only for him to push me down and rape me himself. Maybe the seven years of abuse with my sons father or the abuse from my daughter's father made me this way. No, I don't blame anyone and I'm not a victim. I've been single for 7+ years now trying to be strong & raise my kids right, but the flashbacks of the rape really bother me and are increasing lately, I'm afraid to talk about it but I want the pictures to stop. Most of all I want to be able feel again and not be afraid to feel. Right now I'm lost, I feel hopeless. In the past year I've tried to end myself a few times, once seriously. I've been able to manage my cutting, it had been a year or more until today. Today, I did not know what to do with my pain. I could not stop it from hurting and I could not deal with the emotion. So I messed up today, but I activated my safety plan and made sure someone stayed with me so it stopped then and there. I could have and wanted to go further but I didn't, to me that is a small success.

    I always worry what would someone think of me if they knew, because people that partially know, do not understand me. I have no true friends and I'm sure it's my fault. I just wish they'd tell me what I do wrong so I can change it, because I could really use a friend and I would like to be one too. If you read this, thank you for hearing me. It helps me to think I may not be so alone. This is me, trying..not to hide my pain for once.
  2. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Good for you! Keep talking and talking, let it out, there is absolutely no shame in what you have been through and the more you talk the more people will HEAR you. You seem to be making a lot of steps in the right direction and I hope the more you share the more of you will shine through this dreadful pain.
    I wish you all the best and keep posting as often as the need arises, I am sure some on here will relate better than me to such an horrific situation. I must say though that you have AMAZING strength to have kept going carrying this burden on your own. I am happy that you had a safety plan.

    Take care and please stay safe.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum. Wow you have so much trauma that you did not need to suffer. You have nothing to worry but you are a true AMAZING person.

    Let me you have found a wonderful community who will help you through this tough time. We are here for you as first thing did was to open up to strangers who understand you feelings and suffering. I sympathize each is no doubt hard but you can through it. You ARE NO LONGER ALONE. You are brave and strong in character. I take my /\ (hat) off to YOU. (bad graphics)

    Remember life is important AND SO ARE YOU. Keep posting here for support you deserve.
  4. Miss Invisible

    Miss Invisible Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much. Kind words go along way and I really appreciate support right now. I'm trying to begin confronting my pain and it really helps to know I'm not alone. I have to start lifting off the shame I feel that's been piled on for years. So I guess step one, talk to someone is in session :)...progress?
  5. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Good for you, I really think you have much more strength than shame, and I hope you have less and less because you should have none of that.
    Like Unknown said you will never be alone on here at least and I wish you courage in your jouney and for starting the painful process. The good thing is the more you share the more those dreadful feeling of shame will dissipate and you will see the strength you have.
    When I read your post I was already stunned at the courage you have to continue and raise your kids to boot. I hope one day you can come to see what an amazing thing that is.

    Take care and keep sharing whenever you need support.
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