After years of hiding my pain, masking what's really wrong, or just turning my cheek, I can't keep it in any longer. By not talking to anyone about my inner pain, it has found other ways to manifest itself in me and my life. It won't let me pacify the war in my head anymore. It seems like everyday I lose a little more of myself. I have insomnia so severe that I'm lucky if I get 2 hours of sleep a night. I worry constantly, my anxiety is in overdrive. And of course, I'm depressed. My life has taken a nose dive into the dirt. I push everyone away mostly because I know eventually something painful will happen, mostly they will leave me. So I auto protect, my walls are very high and made of steel. My truest friend is my dog, pathetic I know. I'm scared of life and mainly stay in my home letting my mind reverberate all the negatives I've ever had. I absolutely hate who I've become. I have so many painful memories, it seems that they are overtaking the good ones. I am becoming my pain. I can make excuses and say it's because I went through difficulties like being a teen mom, or waking up to a man raping me at a party while on vacation with a friend and having my friend turn her back on me, then coming home to my boyfriend telling him I was raped, showing him the bruises in between my thighs only for him to push me down and rape me himself. Maybe the seven years of abuse with my sons father or the abuse from my daughter's father made me this way. No, I don't blame anyone and I'm not a victim. I've been single for 7+ years now trying to be strong & raise my kids right, but the flashbacks of the rape really bother me and are increasing lately, I'm afraid to talk about it but I want the pictures to stop. Most of all I want to be able feel again and not be afraid to feel. Right now I'm lost, I feel hopeless. In the past year I've tried to end myself a few times, once seriously. I've been able to manage my cutting, it had been a year or more until today. Today, I did not know what to do with my pain. I could not stop it from hurting and I could not deal with the emotion. So I messed up today, but I activated my safety plan and made sure someone stayed with me so it stopped then and there. I could have and wanted to go further but I didn't, to me that is a small success. I always worry what would someone think of me if they knew, because people that partially know, do not understand me. I have no true friends and I'm sure it's my fault. I just wish they'd tell me what I do wrong so I can change it, because I could really use a friend and I would like to be one too. If you read this, thank you for hearing me. It helps me to think I may not be so alone. This is me, trying..not to hide my pain for once.