Just how I feel

[silver76]

Just how I Feel

Night Watchman

He’s coming
I wish he would
He’s here
I wish he could
My life feels like a thousand knives digging at my skin
Yet digging doesn’t help
Just want the night to come
Close the doors
Nothing
Close my eyes
Nothing
Handful of pills
Nothing
Let the Night Watchman come
Take my hand
Lead me away
Open his hand
Blow in my face
All my problems disappear
Away I float
Into the night
Accompanied by only the
Night Watchman[/CENTER]

 

[silver76]

If there was some way I can't see it. Im stuck in an endless cycle of hopelessness and sorrow. Funny that after so long of feeling this way, it is sort of comforting. I think I like feeling like this. Being in Limbo. Wanting to die, not being able to do it. I even fail at that. Limbo good word for it. I hate the way I feel, but at the same time it feels safe, comfortable. Pretty sad right. Sitting in a dark room with my comp. That is when I am happiest. Although it has been so long since I was happy, im not sure I would know what it felt like any more. You know really happy. Like it was when you were a kid, Christmas day, Disney Land. You know. I can't remember. Sex doesn't really do it for me anymore either. Used to hide in it. The world is bland, lifeless. Im bland Lifeless. What is the use. Im wasting oxygen. Taking up space. Adding nothing to the world only taking. Why cant it just end. Close my eyes and drift away. Choke on a piece of the bland tasteless food I force feed myself every night. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate the world. But at the same time I dont care about any of it. BANG, all that fast. Too spinless even for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Suicidal dreamer]

i dont have anything truly useful ro say except that i can identify and i hope things improve for you soon s tight*

 

[silver76]

My wife tells me im like a robot. Emotionless. I hold my kids and feel nearly nothing but obligation. Im obligated to continue breathing, to continue providing. I have no emotions left. Death would be a blessing. I pray for it through out every day. Spent years as a bouncer, Fighting was my only outlet. Hold it inside, be a good citizen. Cant any longer. I think all those years I was looking for someone to kill me. Had a couple pull guns. "Pull the trigger, do me a favor" I told them. They didn't do it. Why didn't they do it. Right kind of people. Start fights with gang members. Nothing. I cant even get getting killed right. Im a loser, dad you were right. Mom you ****. Thanks for the love, the days on end in a closet. the wonderful remarks of "Your just like your father, and I hate him." Fuck you bitch. Oh yeah and thanks for your friends that liked to get kids high and take advantage. Love you too. How could I not end up screwed up. No way out now. Been to long. Xanax dont help. Nothing does. Alchohol don't help, just makes me violent. Funny as violent as I have always been. Never towards family. Take it out on the world. The guy who bumped me in the bar. The guy who wanted my wallet. The guy who pulles a gun but wont use it. Am I stronger then them or weaker. Physically I take them out, Mentally I die inside. Joined the military. Took the most dangerous job I could find. Still couldnt get killed. Cant cry, cant mourne. Cant love. Numb. Dont care anymore. Death would be a relief. Help me die. Kill me, because Im too much of a coward to do it myself.

 

[itmahanh]

I do understand how you feel right now. I've stopped counting how many attempts I've made. A coward just the same, because if I had courage, I would of got it right the first time. And you're right limbo is the perfect word. I only pray that for you and me and others like us limbo brings us either real, honest hope and a chance to get well or doesn't stick around too long. I'm klnd of leaning to the hope side but not sure. Keep posting and let others here see your pain. Most everyone here has been down this road and can maybe offer you help or advice while you're in limbo. If nothing else it will help pass the time. Please give it a try. If you need to talk pm me anytime.

 

[silver76]

My limbo has lasted nearly 16 years. I dont know how to feel anymore. I dont know how to be happy. I dont remember what it was like to be happ. Would I even recognize it. I have lost hope. I live this way because while I dont know how to be happy or normal I have learned to fake it really well. I cant get help that I know I need. Wheather it would work or not. I have clearances that would be revoked. I am obligated to take care of my family. This is the only way for me to live. If you can call it that. Hate life, wish someone would end it for me. Worth more dead then alive. More help to my family dead. But suicide doesnt pay out. Even so I wish I could go through with it, in a way that no one would have to be affected by it.

 

[silver76]

Friends


Do I have any?
Does anyone have any?
They stab you when you not looking
They sleep with your woman
What is the use?
Perpetually lonely
Can’t stand people
If I met you on the street
Would you remember my name?
NO
Are you my friend?
Didn’t think so
Didn’t expect it to be so
Can you love me?
Can you like me?
NO
I don’t like myself
Two faced, Three faced
Nobody sees the real you
Nobody sees the real me
Closed off from the rest of the world
Who needs the heartache or headache?
More people in your life
More stress in your life
Less feeling in your life
Why live then
Friends don’t care
Don’t have any
Don’t want any
None want me
I am like a poison running rampant in the body of Society.
Society that is a joke as well
Civilized, yeah right
A bunch of animals ruled by there emotions
Or lack of
Looking for one more thing to purchase, take, or throw away
Animals in cages of rules
A zoo built in our minds
Mental bars trying to hold in the impulses that can’t be caged
Our society is built on lies
Muhammad, God, Jehovah, Buddha
All looking at us
Scrutinizing us
Ready to slap us like a misbehaving child if we step out of line
Are any of them really there?
Just another set of bars holding the zoo together
Do it Pull the trigger, cut too deep, pop the pills, step in front of the bus
Release yourself from you cage
Flip off the zoo keepers and free yourself
Yet Im stuck in the cage
Looking out at the passing tourist
Unable to free myself
And wanting nothing more then to run free again.