Just how I feel

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by silver76, Dec 17, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    Just how I Feel

    Night Watchman

    He’s coming
    I wish he would
    He’s here
    I wish he could
    My life feels like a thousand knives digging at my skin
    Yet digging doesn’t help
    Just want the night to come
    Close the doors
    Nothing
    Close my eyes
    Nothing
    Handful of pills
    Nothing
    Let the Night Watchman come
    Take my hand
    Lead me away
    Open his hand
    Blow in my face
    All my problems disappear
    Away I float
    Into the night
    Accompanied by only the
    Night Watchman[/CENTER]
     
  2. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    If there was some way I can't see it. Im stuck in an endless cycle of hopelessness and sorrow. Funny that after so long of feeling this way, it is sort of comforting. I think I like feeling like this. Being in Limbo. Wanting to die, not being able to do it. I even fail at that. Limbo good word for it. I hate the way I feel, but at the same time it feels safe, comfortable. Pretty sad right. Sitting in a dark room with my comp. That is when I am happiest. Although it has been so long since I was happy, im not sure I would know what it felt like any more. You know really happy. Like it was when you were a kid, Christmas day, Disney Land. You know. I can't remember. Sex doesn't really do it for me anymore either. Used to hide in it. The world is bland, lifeless. Im bland Lifeless. What is the use. Im wasting oxygen. Taking up space. Adding nothing to the world only taking. Why cant it just end. Close my eyes and drift away. Choke on a piece of the bland tasteless food I force feed myself every night. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate the world. But at the same time I dont care about any of it. BANG, all that fast. Too spinless even for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  3. i dont have anything truly useful ro say except that i can identify and i hope things improve for you soon *hugs tight*
     
  4. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    My wife tells me im like a robot. Emotionless. I hold my kids and feel nearly nothing but obligation. Im obligated to continue breathing, to continue providing. I have no emotions left. Death would be a blessing. I pray for it through out every day. Spent years as a bouncer, Fighting was my only outlet. Hold it inside, be a good citizen. Cant any longer. I think all those years I was looking for someone to kill me. Had a couple pull guns. "Pull the trigger, do me a favor" I told them. They didn't do it. Why didn't they do it. Right kind of people. Start fights with gang members. Nothing. I cant even get getting killed right. Im a loser, dad you were right. Mom you ****. Thanks for the love, the days on end in a closet. the wonderful remarks of "Your just like your father, and I hate him." Fuck you bitch. Oh yeah and thanks for your friends that liked to get kids high and take advantage. Love you too. How could I not end up screwed up. No way out now. Been to long. Xanax dont help. Nothing does. Alchohol don't help, just makes me violent. Funny as violent as I have always been. Never towards family. Take it out on the world. The guy who bumped me in the bar. The guy who wanted my wallet. The guy who pulles a gun but wont use it. Am I stronger then them or weaker. Physically I take them out, Mentally I die inside. Joined the military. Took the most dangerous job I could find. Still couldnt get killed. Cant cry, cant mourne. Cant love. Numb. Dont care anymore. Death would be a relief. Help me die. Kill me, because Im too much of a coward to do it myself.
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I do understand how you feel right now. I've stopped counting how many attempts I've made. A coward just the same, because if I had courage, I would of got it right the first time. And you're right limbo is the perfect word. I only pray that for you and me and others like us limbo brings us either real, honest hope and a chance to get well or doesn't stick around too long. I'm klnd of leaning to the hope side but not sure. Keep posting and let others here see your pain. Most everyone here has been down this road and can maybe offer you help or advice while you're in limbo. If nothing else it will help pass the time. Please give it a try. If you need to talk pm me anytime.
     
  6. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    My limbo has lasted nearly 16 years. I dont know how to feel anymore. I dont know how to be happy. I dont remember what it was like to be happ. Would I even recognize it. I have lost hope. I live this way because while I dont know how to be happy or normal I have learned to fake it really well. I cant get help that I know I need. Wheather it would work or not. I have clearances that would be revoked. I am obligated to take care of my family. This is the only way for me to live. If you can call it that. Hate life, wish someone would end it for me. Worth more dead then alive. More help to my family dead. But suicide doesnt pay out. Even so I wish I could go through with it, in a way that no one would have to be affected by it.
     
  7. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    Friends


    Do I have any?
    Does anyone have any?
    They stab you when you not looking
    They sleep with your woman
    What is the use?
    Perpetually lonely
    Can’t stand people
    If I met you on the street
    Would you remember my name?
    NO
    Are you my friend?
    Didn’t think so
    Didn’t expect it to be so
    Can you love me?
    Can you like me?
    NO
    I don’t like myself
    Two faced, Three faced
    Nobody sees the real you
    Nobody sees the real me
    Closed off from the rest of the world
    Who needs the heartache or headache?
    More people in your life
    More stress in your life
    Less feeling in your life
    Why live then
    Friends don’t care
    Don’t have any
    Don’t want any
    None want me
    I am like a poison running rampant in the body of Society.
    Society that is a joke as well
    Civilized, yeah right
    A bunch of animals ruled by there emotions
    Or lack of
    Looking for one more thing to purchase, take, or throw away
    Animals in cages of rules
    A zoo built in our minds
    Mental bars trying to hold in the impulses that can’t be caged
    Our society is built on lies
    Muhammad, God, Jehovah, Buddha
    All looking at us
    Scrutinizing us
    Ready to slap us like a misbehaving child if we step out of line
    Are any of them really there?
    Just another set of bars holding the zoo together
    Do it Pull the trigger, cut too deep, pop the pills, step in front of the bus
    Release yourself from you cage
    Flip off the zoo keepers and free yourself
    Yet Im stuck in the cage
    Looking out at the passing tourist
    Unable to free myself
    And wanting nothing more then to run free again.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.