Doing this in an open area because I find that even this is enough of a conversation to put the inside stuff out. I think Im ok but not one hundred percent sure, about 85% sure Im ok but have to get this out before it spirals further. I feel upset. I dont even know why Im upset. It could be PMS, it could be pain, it could be from being sick. Constantly blowing my nose and coughing is downright painful. I feel sick. I am tired. I was feeling so much better this morning. I felt happy, I did laundry. Then booooom out of no where I am fighting back tears! I am unmotivated, I hurt, Im sad, Im lonely, I just want all of this to be over. My dogs even stood guard as I took a shower and I felt safe. I know I have been having weird dreams. I have been sleeping good though. It doesnt hurt to breathe anymore so thats been another plus. Things have been slowed down, I have been relaxed. I feel like Ive been decompressed. So why oh why does my brain want so badly to destroy me? Is it because I finally have time to myself? I havent been thinking about anything negative let alone dwelling on anything. Maybe it was a short conversation I had with my friend earlier today. I felt uneffected when she left, but maybe it did? I dont know. I want to cry so badly. Since I started typing this is the first time I have had truly violent thoughts towards my abuser. I want him to be destroyed. I am so frustrated. I hope getting this out will start to make me feel better. I feel a more relaxed, but more down. My head feels loud. what is that, the loud feeling? its almost like static.. when it stops, it feels overly quiet. Im only having cuts of silence right now. I dont know whats worse, the noise, or the silence that follows.