Just keeping myself honest

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sunnypseudo, Jun 18, 2016.

  1. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    Doing this in an open area because I find that even this is enough of a conversation to put the inside stuff out. I think Im ok but not one hundred percent sure, about 85% sure Im ok but have to get this out before it spirals further.

    I feel upset. I dont even know why Im upset. It could be PMS, it could be pain, it could be from being sick. Constantly blowing my nose and coughing is downright painful. I feel sick. I am tired. I was feeling so much better this morning. I felt happy, I did laundry. Then booooom out of no where I am fighting back tears! I am unmotivated, I hurt, Im sad, Im lonely, I just want all of this to be over. My dogs even stood guard as I took a shower and I felt safe. I know I have been having weird dreams. I have been sleeping good though. It doesnt hurt to breathe anymore so thats been another plus. Things have been slowed down, I have been relaxed. I feel like Ive been decompressed. So why oh why does my brain want so badly to destroy me? Is it because I finally have time to myself? I havent been thinking about anything negative let alone dwelling on anything. Maybe it was a short conversation I had with my friend earlier today. I felt uneffected when she left, but maybe it did? I dont know. I want to cry so badly. Since I started typing this is the first time I have had truly violent thoughts towards my abuser. I want him to be destroyed. I am so frustrated.

    I hope getting this out will start to make me feel better. I feel a more relaxed, but more down. My head feels loud.

    what is that, the loud feeling?

    its almost like static..

    when it stops, it feels overly quiet.

    Im only having cuts of silence right now.

    I dont know whats worse, the noise, or the silence that follows.
  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Sorry you are feeling so poorly sunny. I guess I prefer silence to noise. But even silence gets old after a bit. I think we can only take so much. I hope your cold and coughing ends soon. It must be a relief, anyway, to be breathing easier. I wish I knew why our brains tried so hard to destroy us at times. Then I might be able to figure a way to stop it.
  3. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kindness. Strangely I have been fine today. I ended up crying and talking for hours with my spouse last night. Everything processed out after spending a day feeling like a loon. One good thing was, I didn't feel suicidal or even like SH. Heck yes it is a relief to be able to breathe, and this cough is waring out its welcome. I too like quiet, not silence but quiet. I hate loud noises and lots of noise. I like having on a mellow show running in the background with the sound turned down. But man yesterday was weird. I know everything is a long process when healing is concerned, I just forget I guess that I maybe better but I'm not ok yet.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am sorry to hear about how you are feeling :( Have you seen a doctor about your physical health as well as mental health? I am sorry you are suffering so much, keep talking to us and keep the faith :)
  5. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    I'm recovering from gallbladder removal, but had caught a cold so anything dealing with sneezing, coughing ect is just the pits. I have fibromyalgia as well but the pain from that has been minor at most. All of this is fine most of the time. Mental health, yes I have a therapist but haven't been able to go for financial reasons. Spouse wants me to go anyways, says we will make it work one way or another and that this is a priority. When I'm feeling OK I don't tend to think about going, which is bad I know. So much has happened this year that I seem to not notice when I go numb and not let anything process. I'm working on it, trying to feel my feels as it were so the breaks don't happen. It sucks, I don't like it when he cracks show, when reality seems to take a different turn, when everything is askew. It makes no sense when I feel ok, nothing about it is logical, although after I can see why it happened it doesn't exactly mean I am equipped yet to deal with it when it does happen. The best thing I have found so far is talking about it all even the weird stuff, it is like confession. It puts everything out there in the open and is available for disection and inspection not for myself alone, but others as well. Cause and effect sometimes can be found with some of the deepest or longest afflictions I've had.