Just kill me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Casey., Aug 26, 2006.

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  1. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    I just need to stop complaining and whining so much. That is the real problem; the sniveling.

    I don’t need to be so sad.

    I’m not talking about ‘getting in touch with my feelings‘, or ‘learning to love myself’ or any other hollow clichés that we all try to act like we understand, and I’m not talking about recovery. I’m talking about doing whatever it is that I feel like I need to be doing, while asking less questions. Or just giving up entirely.

    I need to stop paying so much attention to my ED, basically. I need to stop staring at it, inspecting it, talking to it. I need to stop gripping its bony hand and telling myself it is helping me balance when I know deep down that it is only dragging me along. Jeez.. Just let go.

    Ash: Starve if you want to, starve and eat if that is what you really want to do, but either way just stop bitching about it!

    It really is not as big of a deal as I have made it to be. It is not the looming monster or wicked witch I have built in my head. Think about it: this is not going to kill me. I’m not deadly thin (and I’m not saying that doesn’t exist, or that certain other girls are not toying with death, I’m just saying my situation is not at that point) and my health is not failing me the way that Seventeen Magazine and Lifetime Network would have me believe.

    It can’t be, because there are many people thinner than me that are getting around just fine! Legions of other women who maintain rail-thin (even unnaturally thin) bodies intentionally are getting through life without constantly estimating when the end will come. If things were as bad for me as I make them out to be, the “Supermodel” would be an endangered species, dropping like flies and slumping dead off the runways of Milan and Paris. What I’m doing is not so bad.

    If it were, Calvin Klein would be the modern-day Hitler.

    This life may be unhealthy and unnatural, but so is Coca-Cola.

    So what I need to do is similar to what I’ve been doing most of my life; log off the wrong Ashton and on the right one. Swapping from Ashton to Ashton is easy because it has always been a fact of life for me. Melancholic, lonely Ashton needs to just shut the heck up for a while and let a more functional version ride shotgun. This is easier than it sounds, and no I’m not crazy… maybe I am.

    I’m not trying to claim that I’m several people; they are all me.

    I suppose it is like a Swiss Army Knife… A Swiss Army Knife is not any one thing which morphs. It is not a knife that changes to scissors, nor is it a pair of scissors with a screwdriver attached, etc. It is merely a vessel which holds various tools that can be easily chosen based on the individual task. Need scissors? You got scissors! Need a magnifying glass or a tiny toothpick? There you go! We all do this with our personality. Some of us do it consciously or unconsciously, and some of us do it inappropriately or rarely or in excess.

    i need to kill myself.
  2. zura

    zura Guest

    Ermm...What the heck r u talking bout?
  3. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    I'm talking about my ED. I'm talking about switching back from the good me to the bad me, and im talking about killing myself.

  4. That makes perfect sense * My health isn't hurting either * And yeah, there are lots of skinnier girls than me * God, I wish I had been able to write that * It's like you took a trip into my head and discovered what I needed to say when you wrote that bit * If your health isn't hurting then you have a lot left to do yet * So don't kill yourself * You can PM me anytime if you want * xx *
  5. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    I should not have written that. Its not true. I am going to die from this. I barely weigh ninety. I have to stop this. damnit.
  6. If you are ready for help go to your doctor * That's what everyone tells me *
  7. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 26, 2006
  8. Hun * I don't know what to say to help you * I don't think I'm the person to reply to you because I'm like you * If you get what I mean * Anything I say is going to be classed as motivating or something and I don't want to motivate you because you are clearly upset by your current situation * I don't want you to kill yourself * But I also know it's so hard to stop losing and gain * I don't know what to say to you except I'm so sorry you are feeling like this and I wish, so much, I could help you through it *
  9. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    Thank you. And you have helped, and I appreciate it.
  10. painsource

    painsource Well-Known Member

    Your first step on the long road to happiness is to learn to treat people how you would want to be treated.
  11. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    :hug: i am really sorry you feel this way, and i hope you are feeling abit better now
  12. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I really do appreciate all of the replies. I'm feeling a bit better now. As for Zura, or whatever it is, I dont think she was intending to be rude. Thanks again
    take care.
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