not really sure why im writing this, but i guess im hoping that writing it down and actually 'seeing' what im thinking might help it make sense. but where do i start ? so many thoughts that link together yet have no rational or logical meaning. i wake up in the morning and wish it was bedtime already. i get into bed at night and wish it was morning already. the days just go by with me counting minutes and waiting for something but not knowing what. yes, i want to die. but no, i dont want to kill myself. there are times where i have started planning , but something always comes along to make me postpone it. i should be grateful, right ? do i do it subconsciously ? hope that i can end it all but at the same time hope that something will stop me, again, but making me feel like a failure at the same time. blah, im really not good at expressing myself. i know what im thinking but trying to type it out, it just sounds so incorrect. i know the fact that english is my second language has nothing to do with it as i cannot even express what im feeling in my mother tongue.