just letting it out...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by assek, Oct 16, 2010.

  1. assek

    assek Well-Known Member

    not really sure why im writing this, but i guess im hoping that writing it down and actually 'seeing' what im thinking might help it make sense.

    but where do i start ? so many thoughts that link together yet have no rational or logical meaning.

    i wake up in the morning and wish it was bedtime already. i get into bed at night and wish it was morning already. the days just go by with me counting minutes and waiting for something but not knowing what.

    yes, i want to die. but no, i dont want to kill myself. there are times where i have started planning , but something always comes along to make me postpone it. i should be grateful, right ?
    do i do it subconsciously ? hope that i can end it all but at the same time hope that something will stop me, again, but making me feel like a failure at the same time.

    blah, im really not good at expressing myself. i know what im thinking but trying to type it out, it just sounds so incorrect. i know the fact that english is my second language has nothing to do with it as i cannot even express what im feeling in my mother tongue.
  2. clouds

    clouds Well-Known Member

    sometimes it helps just to let it out.Does it feel any better having written down your thoughts.
    In a way its good that you are only making plans and are able to be distracted from them. I know I often make plans and then as you say something comes along which halts them and I experience something which I enjoy and it makes me think Im glad I didnt kill myself.Is this similar to what you are feeling?
  3. assek

    assek Well-Known Member

    thank you for your reply.... did it help writing it down ? im not sure. maybe not now, but maybe if i re-read it again at another point, it will.

    im never really glad that i didnt kill myself. sometimes i get these intense happy moments, as if im floating in the clouds and everything is perfect. unfortunatelly they only last about 60 seconds.

    i had my plan date for last week of september, then i found out my father might be dying in a few months. i dont really want to go into details because im terribly paranoid. the bottom line is, i want my father to die. and its so awful to say that, but i dont know...