Just looking for a friend not a thread

I'm not looking for this thread to go on and on and on. But I'm looking for a friend. Someone who knows what "a-typical mood disorder with reoccurring severe clinical depression" means. Someone who knows why and understands why I take 5 to 6 different meds up to 4 times a day. Someone who knows why I can't play with my kids today, or cuddle in bed this evening. I'm looking for someone to be a friend that knows what it's like to be alone and be lonely, yet at the same time be around just one person and wish you were alone. My wife used to be that friend. But now she's left me and no longer understands. My job is ending up right beside my marriage too. They don't understand why I am the way I am either. They understand I'm mentally "sick" but they still want excuses for every doctor visit, every hour left of work. They stay on my case about the work I should be doing. They don't know though that I sit here getting more and more upset, struggling not to cut or have thoughts of suicide. They don't understand what it's like to have the thoughts scrolling over and over in my mind until I feel like I'm going to explode. I just want someone to say hello, I understand. Tell me you understand while I sit here and cry wondering why my life is falling apart.

 

I understand. :hug: I'm not in a good place to offer much support but I do hear what you're going through. I'm not sure if you've tried counselling but I've found counsellors to be very helpful at times like this in offering at the very least, emotional support.

 

I go see him Monday actually. But I can only afford to see him like once a month for an hour. There's still those 732 other hours. 244-300 hours are full of sleepless nights and awkward dreams that wake me up every few hours. The rest is spent awake wishing I was living any other life but mine. Wishing that God himself would just talk to me. One word. Wishing that the person behind me in line would put their hand on my shoulder and simply say, I understand. I hate people most the time. Most the time I would rather be alone. But when I'm feeling bad, or just in one of my moods, it would be nice to have that companionship to lean on. Someone to go to the coffee house with me. Someone to lay there on the other side of the bed and say, life does suck.

I've been awake for an hour. (well out of bed for an hour). I'm at work. I'll be alone in the emotional sense all day as I was first thing this morning. I'll get off work, go to what used to be my house and see my kids. They'll give me love, but it's still not the emotional support I need. I need the love of a stranger I think. Stranger in the sense that they are not blood related.

I guess I'm sort of just ranting on and loathing in my self pity. I'll be quiet now and drink my coffee, and wish my life away........<sigh>

 

You don't need to be quiet. You summed up how I've felt(and still feel to some extent) perfectly.

I'm sorry I can't be of much help. I can hear you though. And life does suck.

 

lots of people here on SF feel as you do and will be happy to help if they can and when they are able
Ill b your friend pm anytime:smile: