Just Looking for a place to speak openly.. Hello

[soul_searching2006]

Hello...

I figured it would probably be appropriate for me to post here before I jump into the rest of the forum.

I am not suicidal at the moment. Just very depressed. It seems to have been the case for the past... well almost 2 years. I have experienced depression before when I was in my early teens... but it's been years. It's probably present events combined with suppressed things coming to the surface again that has brought this on. I will give a brief summary of where I am right now so that it's out there and known. What I am most looking for is to connect with someone. To have someone that understands... and will listen.

Currently I am in a marriage that I am less than happy with. I tried to end the marriage last year and it resulted in verbal and physical abuse... and I was weak... so I stayed.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago and she went through the chemo/radiation treatments... then last December they informed her that the cancer had spread to her brain in the form of 2 brain tumors. One being of a rather large size. Well, again she went through the radiation and had radiosurgery and again they thought they had the cancer controlled. Wrong. She has now been informed that the cancer has spread to her central nervous system. She is back having chemo and radiation but I have done the research... this is the final stage of her illness. There will be no recovery for her this time. She has a prognosis of 6-10 months. She is only 51.

I am here because for once... I would like to be seen. For me. Not for what I do for everyone. People lean on me and depend on me and expect a great deal from me and I wouldn't change that for the world…. But just once I would like someone to ask "How are you doing?" and mean it…. truly want to hear the answer.

I work full time in a career that is ok but it does pay the bills
I am a mother of 3 very beautiful children
I am the wife of a very dependant and controlling husband.
I am also soon to be her primary care giver for my mother as well as the one to handle all her affairs.

I am up every morning at 6-6:30 getting the kids ready for school and me and H ready for work. I leave the house by 8 every morning and usually don't get back home until close to 8 every night. Just in time to help with homework, get the kids ready for bed, clean the house, do the laundry and set everything up for the next day. I don't generally sit down for the first time each day until after 10pm... sometimes not until after 11.

I am tired. I am alone in a sea of people. I want to run away to a foreign country, change my name, and live out the remainder of my life in a cabin in the woods.

Oh… and by the way…. Hello! lol

 

[Abacus21]

Hi

Welcome to SF :welcome: :biggrin:

Hope to see you around

Joe

 

[Twisted F]

Welcome to SF. Whatever your problems are, here you will meet people who have gone through the same experience and are willing to help you. I can’t say I know what you’re going through, but I can offer you my support. PM me anytime if you want to talk.

T F

 

[~CazzaAngel~]

I am so sorry about your marriage and your mother, it must be very hard, I can understand the marriage part, I am going through a divorce, it's hard I now. But your mother I can't imagine how difficult of a time this is for you. I will pray for you. I hope you find every bit as much support as you want and need. Try and keep your chin up and hang in there.


If you ever want anything or need anything let me know, I sencerly mean that. If you need a friend you got me. :hug: If you have msn or yahoo you can message me anytime. My yahoo is [email protected] and the msn is [email protected] .


I also want to :welcome: you to SF!!! it's a great place, its always help me get by, it's a great support, we always have each others back. It's like an understand family to me, something I never had. I hope to see you around.... By the way I am Carolyn. I am glad you found us. :wink:

:handinhan,
Carolyn.

 

[Marshmallow]

welcome to SF, hope you get the support and friendship you came here for. Hope to see you around

vikki xxx :hug:

 

[thedeafmusician]

:welcome:

TDM

 

[soul_searching2006]

Thanks for all of the warm welcomes. Today is another very rough day and so I am here. I felt a little better after venting last time so I am hoping for the same effect this time. I don't think it even matters if someone is truly listening... I think it's more the fact that I am actually expressing my feelings.. I have an outlet of some kind.... anyways...

Besides being in a marriage that I am not happy with, and having a mother that is dying of cancer...

I also at this moment in time am:

1. Dealing with a drug addict mother-in-law that is staying with us in our house. I hate her and want her no where near my children... but since I know that if we did not take her in she would have no where to go... I cannot kick her out. If ever I were to catch her using drugs in my house I would not hesitate. She is a loser.. a lowlife. unfit mother and anything else I can think to call her.

2. Dealing with a former best friend turned heroine addict. I no longer talk to him at all... well would be kind of hard even if I wanted to since most of his time is spent in jail... but I do keep in touch with his 10 year old daughter and have since she was very young. I take her every weekend and she is like another child to me. I want her to know love but this also takes time. It also forces me to have dealings with her grandmother who is another example of the lowest form of humanity.

3. Dealing with fighting between my girls and mother-in-law. It will probably end this evening because I can no longer handle nor tolerate it. His mother has to go. If something happens to her because of my decision... well I suppose I will deal with it then. I just know that I no longer even want to go home to my own home anymore because she is there.

4. My best friend’s mother was murdered about 2 years ago now and she has never been able to properly deal with it. I can certainly understand why as it was her mother's boyfriend that murdered her and he is only being sentenced to 10 years... and should be eligible for parole after 6. So I am trying to research any legal avenues that may be available to her to ensure that he does not make parole in another 4 years... and also trying to help her cope with the loss. She was 6 months pregnant with her first child when it happened.

5. I am dealing with a grandmother and grandfather that are aging now and my grandmother at least is starting to show possible signs of alzheimers... my family is very small and my mother is so seriously ill she can not help and I only have 2 uncles and their wives fight so damn much we will be lucky to ever get them in the same house together again. It's f'in ridiculous.

6. My oldest daughter is 13 and struggles in school. She also has very poor taste in friends... so did I... but I need to dedicate a lot of time to making sure she makes it through her teenage years with little problems and doing the right things.

I CANNOT DO ALL OF THIS ALONE!!!!!!

Shit I don’t think I can do all of this with help. Lmao… there of course is more but these are the most pressing at the moment. lmao

I have not done shit at work all week but browse forums... why? Because I just can't make myself give a damn right now. I'm quite positive that getting fired would in no way benefit my situation..lol but I can't seem to give a damn anyways. I'm tired... I can't do this...

Thanks for listening.

 

[theleastofthese]

Dear Searching;

You certainly have your plate way too full thru no fault of your own.:ohmy: I empathize with you as you seem to be stretched beyond your breaking point. I too often wonder why I haven't "snapped" long before now - and have no idea why I haven't. You seem to be feeling the same: too much on you but you're still being and doing all you must be and do.:sad: I have no answers for you other than exploring community resources regarding help for your mother and grandparents in dealing with their illnesses and your helping them as best you can. Are there no Home Health Aide service available in your area? And, if so, are there financial resources to help with that end?

As far as your Self goes, are you getting any sort of therapy? Counseling, antidepressant/anti-anxiety meds, or anything like that? I believe that option is worth consideration, as it may help you in your dealings with all these problems and issues.:smile:

I feel for you with your "mother in law" problem.:sad: May I assume your husband is no help in giving ultimatums or actually giving her the boot out the door?

Please feel welcome to come here anytime you need to blow off steam. You must, hard as it may be, maintain your own mental health or you will be of no use to anyone - kids, mother, grandparents, or anyone else.

I wish for you some measure of peace and comfort in your too-busy life. I hope you take advantage of our international society of loving friends - I have, and have found the members here to be invaluable help to me in my toughest times.

Sending you love and hugs and hope,:smile: :smile:

least

 

[TLA]

Searching,
Please feel free to rant, share, cry and scream here. We will understand.

I too can make a list of my stress areas in my pressent life. Although, I am on the other end of the spectrum of you is that I am all alone and feel unwanted. YOU have too much pulling you from all directions. I love to go to the beach or lake and look at the water and be calmed by that. I have not done that in over 2 years. I miss it so.

Things I thought of:
1. Decide what you can do and let some of it wait a while. If that means, sitting down with a list of the day/month, do that. OR learn, find someone to delgate some things to.
2. Look for respite care and cancer support in your area in relation to your mom. It is a tough burden to bear, for you and especially for her.
3. Talk to your kids. Sit them down and explain what is happening, how you feel and what you need (not expect) from them. Then, later you can reward them. My son is only 3, but I used to be a teacher. I don't know what to say about the 13 yr. old. I will think on that one.
4. There are senior citizens centers, some of them have trasportation. Try to encourage the grandparents to do something. They will enoy feeling useful.
I love my 85 yr old grandmother to death. (She is my last one.) I would do anything for her.
5. About your best friends mom, some people do have a hard time grieving and letting someone go. They may not be able to face it or are afraid if they cry they will never stop. If she feels empowered by taking some legal action in behalf of her mom, do help her. I encourage you, but let her write some letters too, let her search with you.
In Houston (where I used to live) we had a victims Advocate group (victims advocacy), ANDY KAHAN, DIRECTOR OF VICTIM`S CRIME OFFICE FOR THE MAYOR OF HOUSTON. Also Victims Assistance Centers. Will help you get info so the individual does not get out on parole early. I have faith that if you both have the brains together, you will find the right answers.
6. As Least says above, You must take care of YOU. If for sanity, mental health reasons. If you can find a dr. to listen and tell you if you need anti-depressants that will be a start.

We may not have all the answers, but we do care!!
Take care and post again,

TLA

 

[blub]

A bit late, but I want to say welcome and
I hope you'll find some help etc here.
Take care :smile: